The diagram below shows the stages in the production of yogurt.

The given diagram presents a sequential process of making yogurt.

Overall, there is a four-stage process, commencing with pasteurization and concluding with packaging.

Initially, milk is put into the hygienic stainless steel vessel firstly, followed by three different ingredients are combined by stabilizers, dry milk and sugar. The temperature of pasteurization can be heated to 85 degrees. Subsequently, the mixture which is called homogenization is chilled to 42 degrees.

Upon completion of the previous step, the mixture is stirred while the cultures are poured into it at the same time in order to ferment it ( stop at 7 degrees). Finally, the finished product is packaged into individual cups.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the hygienic stainless steel vessel firstly" -> "the hygienic stainless steel vessel initially"
Explanation: "Firstly" is redundant here as "initially" already conveys the idea of being the first step in the process.
"three different ingredients are combined by stabilizers, dry milk and sugar" -> "three different ingredients, stabilizers, dry milk, and sugar, are combined"
Explanation: The original sentence structure is awkward. Placing the list of ingredients after "combined" makes the sentence clearer and more concise.
"The temperature of pasteurization can be heated to 85 degrees." -> "The pasteurization temperature reaches 85 degrees."
Explanation: The original sentence is unnecessarily wordy. Simplifying it improves readability and conciseness.
"Subsequently, the mixture which is called homogenization is chilled to 42 degrees." -> "Subsequently, the mixture, known as homogenization, is chilled to 42 degrees."
Explanation: "which is called homogenization" is awkward and could be replaced with a more concise phrase, "known as homogenization," to improve the sentence’s flow.
"the cultures are poured into it at the same time in order to ferment it (stop at 7 degrees)." -> "the cultures are added to ferment the mixture, stopping at 7 degrees."
Explanation: The phrase "pour into it at the same time in order to ferment it" is redundant and unclear. Simplifying the sentence clarifies the process of adding cultures to ferment the mixture.
"Finally, the finished product is packaged into individual cups." -> "Finally, the finished product is packaged in individual cups."
Explanation: "into" can be replaced with "in" for better fluency.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the stages of yogurt production and provides a general overview of the process. Key features such as pasteurization, mixing of ingredients, fermentation, and packaging are mentioned. However, some details are unclear or inaccurate, such as the mention of "three different ingredients" without specifying what they are, and the ambiguous statement "the mixture which is called homogenization." Additionally, the sequencing of the stages could be clearer.
How to improve: To improve, provide more clarity and specificity regarding the ingredients used in yogurt production and the process itself. Ensure that the stages are presented in a clear and logical sequence, avoiding ambiguity or confusion in the description. Ensure accurate terminology is used throughout the essay. Consider providing more detail on each stage while avoiding irrelevant information.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, outlining the stages in the production of yogurt. However, there is a lack of overall progression, as the description feels somewhat disjointed, lacking smooth transitions between stages. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate; there is a mix of inaccurate and overused cohesive devices, which hinders the flow of the essay. Additionally, the essay lacks clear referencing and substitution, leading to some repetitive language. Paragraphing is present, but it could be improved for better logical structure.

How to improve:

Overall Progression: Ensure a smoother transition between stages to create a more cohesive narrative. Each stage should logically flow into the next, creating a clear progression.
Cohesive Devices: Focus on using cohesive devices more accurately and sparingly. Avoid overusing conjunctions or transitional phrases, and instead, aim for a more natural flow of ideas.
Referencing and Substitution: Use pronouns and other referencing techniques to avoid repetitive language. Clearly indicate which pronouns refer to which nouns to improve clarity.
Paragraphing: Ensure logical paragraph breaks to organize the information effectively. Each paragraph should focus on a central topic related to the production process of yogurt.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the essential stages of the process. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "pasteurization" and "homogenization," indicating some effort to diversify lexical choices. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and usage throughout the essay, such as "three different ingredients are combined by stabilizers," which lacks clarity and precision. Additionally, there are errors in word formation, as seen in "the cultures are poured into it at the same time in order to ferment it ( stop at 7 degrees)," where the phrase "stop at 7 degrees" seems out of place. These errors slightly impede communication but do not completely obscure the message.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, focus on using vocabulary more accurately and precisely. Instead of vague phrases like "three different ingredients are combined by stabilizers," specify the ingredients and their role in the process. For example, "stabilizers are added to combine milk, dry milk, and sugar." Additionally, ensure consistency and clarity in word usage and formation. Reviewing the essay for coherence and refining the choice of words will help improve the lexical resource and overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex forms, such as in the introductory sentence and the description of each stage of the process. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and inaccuracies throughout the essay that hinder clarity and precision. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("three different ingredients are combined"), incorrect word order ("firstly"), and unclear phrasing ("the temperature of pasteurization can be heated to 85 degrees"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences ("The temperature of pasteurization can be heated to 85 degrees. Subsequently…"). These errors and inaccuracies affect the overall coherence and accuracy of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures to ensure clarity and precision. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, word order, and the use of appropriate punctuation. Avoid unnecessary complexity in sentence construction and aim for more concise and coherent phrasing. Proofreading carefully for grammatical errors and revising where necessary will help to enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with a wider range of sentence structures and grammatical concepts will contribute to improving accuracy and fluency in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram provided outlines the steps involved in yogurt production.

Overall, the process involves four key stages, beginning with pasteurization and ending with packaging.

Initially, milk is placed into a hygienic stainless steel vessel, then three additional ingredients are added: stabilizers, dry milk, and sugar. The milk is pasteurized by heating it to 85 degrees Celsius. Afterward, the mixture undergoes homogenization and is subsequently cooled to 42 degrees.

In the next step, cultures are added to the mixture while it is stirred, allowing the fermentation process to take place (the temperature is maintained at 42 degrees). Once fermentation is complete, the mixture is cooled to 7 degrees. Finally, the yogurt is packaged into individual cups for distribution.