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The education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important, and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important, and governments should spend more money on this.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Young people are play important role to develop their country. In many countries, the education of youth is highly prioritized. Whereas othe argue that the government should allocate more money to education the adult group who do not ability to read and write. From my respectively, I strongly belive that money should be spent on adults to learn.
On the one hand, it is undoubtedly vital to focus educating children from a young to develop their knowledge, therefore decreasing the education in schools has been the main has been priority. For example, in Vietnam, the governments spend billions of dollar on the young generation, developing economy in the future and a better society. Moreover, since adults who are not capable of reading and writing often meet difficulties in social and professional life. For instance, they cannot answer or read all the story when they don't know and understand about the storytelling.
In short, I strongly agree that the government should be invest for the generations who can read and write. Their die for the next generation which means the youth and the governments should do something for them.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Young people are play important role to develop their country." -> "Young people play an important role in the development of their country."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks grammatical correctness and uses informal language. The suggested alternative maintains clarity and formality while correcting the structure of the sentence.

  2. "In many countries, the education of youth is highly prioritized. Whereas othe argue that the government should allocate more money to education the adult group who do not ability to read and write." -> "In many countries, there is a strong emphasis on youth education. However, others argue that the government should allocate more funding to educate adults who lack the ability to read and write."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains awkward phrasing and informal language. The suggested alternative provides a more polished expression with improved grammar and formality.

  3. "From my respectively, I strongly belive that money should be spent on adults to learn." -> "In my perspective, I strongly believe that financial resources should be allocated to adult education."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and contains informal language. The suggested alternative rephrases the sentence for clarity and uses more formal language.

  4. "On the one hand, it is undoubtedly vital to focus educating children from a young to develop their knowledge, therefore decreasing the education in schools has been the main has been priority." -> "On the one hand, it is undeniably crucial to prioritize the education of children from a young age to enhance their knowledge. Therefore, reducing funding for schools has been a primary concern."
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and contains repetitive phrases. The suggested alternative clarifies the message, eliminates redundancy, and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "For example, in Vietnam, the governments spend billions of dollar on the young generation, developing economy in the future and a better society." -> "For example, in Vietnam, the government allocates billions of dollars to invest in the younger generation, fostering economic development and contributing to a better society in the future."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper subject-verb agreement and uses informal language. The suggested alternative enhances clarity, corrects grammar, and employs more formal vocabulary.

  6. "Moreover, since adults who are not capable of reading and writing often meet difficulties in social and professional life." -> "Furthermore, adults who lack proficiency in reading and writing often encounter challenges in both social and professional spheres."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat informal, and the suggested alternative maintains a formal tone while improving the expression and precision of the idea.

  7. "For instance, they cannot answer or read all the story when they don’t know and understand about the storytelling." -> "For instance, they may struggle to comprehend or respond to a narrative if they lack knowledge and understanding of storytelling."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and informal. The suggested alternative enhances clarity, uses more precise language, and maintains a formal tone.

  8. "In short, I strongly agree that the government should be invest for the generations who can read and write." -> "In conclusion, I strongly advocate for government investments in the education of generations proficient in reading and writing."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains grammatical errors and informal language. The suggested alternative improves clarity, corrects grammar, and uses more formal vocabulary.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing both the importance of educating young people and arguing in favor of allocating more money to educate adults who cannot read or write. However, the explanation lacks depth, and the connection between the two aspects is not well-established. Key components of the prompt, such as the extent of agreement or disagreement, could be explored more explicitly.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, provide a more thorough exploration of the prompt. Explicitly express the extent of agreement or disagreement and establish a clear link between the prioritization of young people’s education and the proposed increase in funding for adult education.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay’s stance is generally clear but lacks depth and consistency. While the author mentions a strong belief in allocating money to adults’ education, the argument lacks sufficient development and nuanced reasoning. There is also a minor inconsistency in the introduction where the role of young people is highlighted without a clear connection to the main argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the thesis by providing more detailed and nuanced reasons for prioritizing adult education. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition from the introduction to the main argument by clearly linking the importance of young people’s education to the subsequent focus on adults.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For example, the mention of Vietnam’s government spending on the young generation and the difficulties faced by adults who cannot read or write lacks elaboration and concrete examples. The arguments are somewhat superficial and need more depth.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on examples and provide more specific details to support the presented ideas. Develop the reasoning behind the importance of adult education, using real-world examples and statistics to strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially stays on topic but includes some irrelevant points. The introduction briefly discusses the role of young people without a clear connection to the main argument. Additionally, the reference to the government investing in the next generation could be seen as straying from the focus on adult education.
    • How to improve: Focus the introduction more directly on the main argument, ensuring every point made is directly relevant to the importance of allocating more funds for adult education. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas that may distract from the central theme.

In summary, while the essay presents some relevant points, it requires more depth, coherence, and focus on the prompt’s specific elements. Strengthening the thesis, providing more detailed support, and maintaining a clear connection to the prompt will contribute to a more effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some issues in organizing information logically. The introduction lacks clarity, and the transition between ideas is not smooth. The first paragraph is somewhat disjointed, with abrupt shifts between discussing the importance of educating youth and the opposing view about allocating funds for adult education.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the essay’s stance. Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and maintain a clear line of argument throughout. Consider restructuring sentences for coherence and relevance.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. There is a single, lengthy paragraph in the main body that combines arguments related to both educating youth and adults. This affects the clarity and organization of ideas.
    • How to improve: Break down the essay into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Begin new paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea, providing a more organized and reader-friendly structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The use of cohesive devices is limited. While some linking words are used (e.g., "on the one hand"), they do not contribute significantly to the overall coherence of the essay. The lack of clear connections between sentences hampers the flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., furthermore, moreover, however) and pronouns to create smoother connections between sentences. Ensure these devices guide the reader through the logical progression of arguments, fostering coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay presents relevant ideas, addressing the issues in logical organization, paragraphing, and cohesive device usage will significantly improve the coherence and cohesion. Ensure a clear structure, distinct paragraphs, and effective use of linking words to enhance overall readability and comprehension.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, and there is a noticeable lack of diversity in word choice. For instance, the repeated use of the word "generation" and the lack of synonyms or varied expressions reduce the richness of the vocabulary. The essay lacks depth in exploring the topic, as it relies on general and commonly used terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, incorporate more varied and precise terms related to education, such as "academic institutions," "scholastic pursuits," or "intellectual development." Additionally, consider using synonyms for frequently repeated words to avoid redundancy.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is inconsistent. There are instances where words are used imprecisely, affecting the clarity of the message. For example, the phrase "die for the next generation" seems to be a misuse, and the intended meaning is unclear. This imprecise language impacts the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Ensure the precise use of words by carefully selecting terms that accurately convey the intended meaning. In this case, consider revising the phrase to something like "dedicate themselves to the well-being of the next generation." This adjustment clarifies the expression and improves overall precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits numerous spelling errors, such as "play" instead of "play a," "belive" instead of "believe," "education" instead of "educating," and "die" instead of "dye." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and create confusion for the reader.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools, and consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors. Taking the time to review and edit the essay will significantly enhance the accuracy of spelling and improve the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences predominate, with minimal use of complex or varied structures. For example, the frequent use of basic structures like "On the one hand" and "Moreover" indicates a need for diversification.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, introduce more complex sentence structures. Incorporate a variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences and conditional structures. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "Young people are play important role"), incorrect prepositions (e.g., "the main has been priority"), and awkward phrasing (e.g., "their die for the next generation"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization, also detract from overall accuracy.
    • How to improve: Focus on fundamental grammar rules, including subject-verb agreement and proper preposition usage. Additionally, proofread for punctuation errors to ensure consistent and accurate punctuation throughout the essay. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct these issues.

In summary, while the essay effectively presents the writer’s viewpoint, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Diversifying sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and proficient piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Young people play a crucial role in advancing their country’s development. Many nations prioritize youth education, yet some argue for increased government funding directed towards educating adults who lack basic literacy skills. In my perspective, I firmly believe that financial resources should be directed to adult education.

On one hand, it is undeniably important to prioritize the education of children from a young age to enrich their knowledge. Therefore, reducing funding for schools becomes a primary concern. For instance, in Vietnam, the government allocates billions of dollars to invest in the younger generation, fostering economic development and contributing to a better society in the future.

Furthermore, adults facing challenges in reading and writing proficiency encounter difficulties in both social and professional spheres. For example, they may struggle to comprehend or respond to a narrative if they lack knowledge and understanding of storytelling.

In conclusion, I strongly advocate for government investments in the education of generations proficient in reading and writing. It is essential to strike a balance between youth education and addressing the needs of adults lacking basic literacy skills, as both contribute significantly to a well-rounded and educated society.

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