The facebook has a lot of bad effects on our lives.

Secondly, in spite of many appealing contents,Facebook also provides civilians with a lot of negative contents such as: violent video games,gambling which can cause problems about people's behavior.These things encourage them to behave aggressively,even illegally.As a result, there are more and more people breaking the law,making harmful things for the public.For example:there are numerous of users default because of the gambling websites. Consequently, they become poorer and depend on their families, friends.
Finally, many people have to face the risk/horizon of being revealed their private information without permission on Facebook.There are more and more hackers using dubious ways to intrude other figures' personal accounts and steal their information for unclear purposes such as threatening them to earn money.A case in point is that many girls has been stolen private pictures and forced to give the hacker money, If they want to delete all of those. In short,the security of Facebook is not always good so people can have their personal information stolen without notice.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"appealing contents" -> "attractive content"
Explanation: The term "appealing contents" is awkward and unclear. "Attractive content" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts to describe engaging or appealing information on social media platforms like Facebook.
"civilians" -> "users"
Explanation: The term "civilians" is typically used to refer to non-combatants in a war or conflict, which is inappropriate in this context. "Users" is the correct term for individuals who access and utilize Facebook.
"violent video games,gambling" -> "violent video games and gambling"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper punctuation, which disrupts the flow of the sentence. Adding a comma and the conjunction "and" corrects this error and improves readability.
"can cause problems about people’s behavior" -> "can lead to behavioral issues"
Explanation: "Problems about people’s behavior" is vague and informal. "Behavioral issues" is a more precise and formal term that is commonly used in academic discussions about the effects of media on behavior.
"encourage them to behave aggressively,even illegally" -> "encourage aggressive and illegal behavior"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased and uses informal language. The revised version is more concise and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"making harmful things for the public" -> "posing a threat to the public"
Explanation: "Making harmful things for the public" is unclear and informal. "Posing a threat to the public" is a more precise and formal way to express the negative impact on society.
"there are numerous of users default" -> "numerous users default"
Explanation: The phrase "there are numerous of users" is grammatically incorrect. Removing "there are" corrects the grammar and maintains the formal tone.
"because of the gambling websites" -> "due to gambling websites"
Explanation: "Because of" is a bit informal and less precise in this context. "Due to" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"making them poorer and depend on their families, friends" -> "leaving them financially dependent on their families and friends"
Explanation: The original phrase is vague and informal. The revised version clarifies the impact of defaulting on financial dependence, which is more specific and formal.
"the risk/horizon of being revealed their private information" -> "the risk of having their private information revealed"
Explanation: "Risk/horizon" is incorrect and unclear. "Risk of having their private information revealed" is grammatically correct and clearer, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.
"dubious ways to intrude other figures’ personal accounts" -> "suspicious methods to infiltrate other users’ personal accounts"
Explanation: "Dubious ways" is somewhat informal and vague. "Suspicious methods" is more precise and appropriate for describing illegal activities on social media platforms.
"for unclear purposes such as threatening them to earn money" -> "for unclear purposes, including extorting money from them"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the nature of the extortion and maintains a formal tone.
"many girls has been stolen private pictures" -> "many girls have had their private pictures stolen"
Explanation: "Has been stolen" is grammatically incorrect. "Have had their private pictures stolen" corrects the verb tense and clarifies the passive voice, aligning with formal academic style.
"forced to give the hacker money" -> "forced to pay the hacker"
Explanation: "Give the hacker money" is informal and slightly awkward. "Pay the hacker" is more direct and formal, fitting the context better.
"the security of Facebook is not always good" -> "Facebook’s security is not always reliable"
Explanation: "The security of Facebook is not always good" is informal and imprecise. "Facebook’s security is not always reliable" uses more formal language and emphasizes the reliability aspect, which is more appropriate for an academic discussion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the negative effects of Facebook on people’s lives. However, it primarily focuses on two key areas: the promotion of negative behaviors (e.g., gambling and violence) and privacy concerns. While these points are relevant, the essay does not fully explore the breadth of negative effects that could be discussed, such as mental health issues, misinformation, or social isolation. The lack of a comprehensive approach limits the effectiveness of the response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to cover a wider range of negative effects associated with Facebook. This could involve brainstorming additional points before writing and ensuring that each aspect of the prompt is addressed in detail. A structured outline could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all parts of the question are covered.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position regarding the negative impacts of Facebook. However, the argument lacks consistency and clarity in its presentation. For instance, the transition between discussing gambling and privacy issues is abrupt, which may confuse the reader about the overall stance. Additionally, the use of phrases like "in spite of many appealing contents" could lead to ambiguity regarding the writer’s view on Facebook as a whole.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that relate back to the main argument can help guide the reader. Additionally, smooth transitions between points will enhance coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to negative content and privacy risks but fails to extend or support these ideas effectively. For example, while the mention of gambling and its consequences is relevant, it lacks depth and specific examples that could strengthen the argument. The essay also does not provide sufficient evidence or elaboration on how these issues manifest in real life, which weakens the overall impact.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve discussing statistics related to gambling addiction or citing studies on the impact of social media on mental health. Additionally, using real-life examples or case studies can help to substantiate claims and make the argument more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the negative aspects of Facebook. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the transition between discussing gambling and privacy issues. The phrase "making harmful things for the public" is vague and could be more directly tied to the specific negative effects being discussed.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each point is clearly linked to the overall topic will help keep the essay on track. Regularly revisiting the prompt during the writing process can help ensure that all content remains relevant.

In summary, to improve the overall band score for Task Response, the writer should aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the topic, maintain a clear and consistent position, provide detailed support for their ideas, and ensure that all content remains focused on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a generally logical order, with a clear progression from one negative aspect of Facebook to another. The use of transitional phrases like "Secondly" and "Finally" helps to guide the reader through the points being made. However, the connection between the points could be strengthened. For instance, the transition from discussing negative content to privacy issues feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that ties the two ideas together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases that connect the ideas. For example, after discussing negative content, a sentence like "In addition to the harmful content, users also face significant risks regarding their personal information" would create a smoother transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea can help the reader follow the argument more easily.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains two main paragraphs, which is a good start, but they could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph discusses the negative content on Facebook, while the second addresses privacy concerns. However, both paragraphs lack clear internal structure, with multiple ideas presented in a single block of text. This can overwhelm the reader and make it difficult to identify the main points.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and include supporting details. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on negative content and its effects, and another discussing the consequences of that content. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by explanations and examples that support that main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Secondly," "Finally," and "Consequently," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "A case in point is that many girls has been stolen private pictures" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify how it relates to the discussion of privacy issues.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "As a result." This will help to clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and demonstratives are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain coherence throughout the text.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant points, enhancing the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will significantly improve coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. For instance, phrases like "appealing contents" and "negative contents" show an effort to differentiate types of content on Facebook. However, the repetition of words like "contents" and "people" indicates a lack of lexical variety. Additionally, terms such as "civilians" and "users" are used, but they could be more effectively replaced with synonyms or more specific terms to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For example, instead of repeating "contents," alternatives like "material," "information," or "posts" could be used. Additionally, using phrases like "individuals" or "members of society" instead of "people" would enhance the essay’s lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "making harmful things for the public" is vague and could be interpreted in various ways. The term "horizon" in "risk/horizon of being revealed" is also misused, as it does not accurately convey the intended meaning of risk. Furthermore, "numerous of users default" is grammatically incorrect and unclear in its meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended message. For example, instead of "making harmful things," a more precise phrase could be "engaging in harmful activities." Additionally, replacing "horizon" with "risk" or "threat" would clarify the intended meaning. Ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct will also improve overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect readability and professionalism. For instance, "appealing contents" should be "appealing content," "has been stolen" should be "have been stolen," and "default" appears to be a misuse of the term, likely intended to mean "indebted" or "in financial trouble." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("in spite of many appealing contents, Facebook also provides civilians with a lot of negative contents") and compound sentences ("Consequently, they become poorer and depend on their families, friends"). However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are quite similar in structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear constructions, such as "many girls has been stolen private pictures," which detracts from the clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence types, such as conditional sentences ("If people are not careful, they may expose their personal information") and different introductory phrases ("Despite the risks, many continue to use Facebook"). Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more dynamic flow. Practicing the use of different conjunctions and transitions will also help in creating more complex and engaging sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "there are numerous of users default because of the gambling websites" should be corrected to "there are numerous users who default because of gambling websites." The use of commas is inconsistent and often missing, particularly before conjunctions in compound sentences (e.g., "aggressively, even illegally" should have a semicolon or a conjunction to connect the ideas more clearly). Additionally, the phrase "many girls has been stolen private pictures" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("has" should be "have").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can also be beneficial. For punctuation, consider revisiting the rules for comma usage, especially in complex and compound sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify where pauses are needed, indicating where punctuation should be added or adjusted. Additionally, using tools like grammar checkers can provide immediate feedback on errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas, focusing on enhancing grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Secondly, in spite of many appealing contents, Facebook also provides civilians with a lot of negative content such as violent video games and gambling, which can lead to behavioral issues. These things encourage users to behave aggressively, even illegally. As a result, there are more and more people breaking the law and making harmful choices for the public. For example, there are numerous users who default due to gambling websites. Consequently, they become poorer and leave their families and friends financially dependent on them.

Finally, many people have to face the risk of having their private information revealed without permission on Facebook. There are more and more hackers using dubious methods to infiltrate other users’ personal accounts and steal their information for unclear purposes, including extorting money from them. A case in point is that many girls have had their private pictures stolen and are forced to pay the hacker if they want to delete them. In short, Facebook’s security is not always reliable, so people can have their personal information stolen without notice.