The first chart below gives information about the money spent by Bristish parents on their children's sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who particpated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

The first chart indicates the amount of money spent by parents in Britain on their children’s sports in the period of 2008 to 2014. The second chart describes children's participation in three different sports which are football, athletics, and swimming during the surveyed time. Overall, it can be said that these charts both have an significant incline over the same period
Looking at the first graph, at the start of the survey period, parents spent an average of 20 pounds per month for their children’s sport activities. The spending kept increasing significantly til the end of the graph, 2014, at over 30 pounds a month and is expected to continue to incline.
Moving on to the second graph, in 2008, British kids participation in football was the highest with over 7.5 million children, and swimming with close to 2.5 million participants and athletics was the least participated sport. Football statistic was stable over the years and ended the period at roughly 8 millions participants. Swimming number of participators increased noticeably with around 4 million children in 2014. Athletics participants started to had a leap in number in 2010 and ended up having close to 5 million in 2014.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"spent an average of 20 pounds per month" -> "averaged £20 per month"
Explanation: Using "averaged" instead of "spent" is more precise in this context, as it specifically refers to the average amount spent, which is the correct term for describing the statistical average of a variable. Additionally, using the pound symbol (£) is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than the word "pounds".
"The spending kept increasing significantly til the end of the graph, 2014" -> "Expenditure continued to increase significantly until the end of the period, in 2014"
Explanation: "Expenditure" is a more formal term than "spending", and "continued to increase" is more precise than "kept increasing". Also, "until" is the correct preposition to use instead of "til", which is informal. Additionally, specifying "the period" instead of "the graph" clarifies that the time frame is being referred to.
"is expected to continue to incline" -> "is expected to continue increasing"
Explanation: "Increasing" is a more natural and direct verb choice than "incline", which can be awkward in this context.
"British kids participation" -> "participation of British children"
Explanation: "Participation of" is grammatically correct and more formal than "kids participation", which is too informal for academic writing.
"least participated sport" -> "least participated sport"
Explanation: The correct phrase should be "least participated in sport" to correctly indicate the verb form needed for the passive construction.
"Football statistic was stable" -> "Football participation remained stable"
Explanation: "Participation" is the correct noun to use here, and "remained" is a more formal synonym for "was", which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"ended the period at roughly 8 millions participants" -> "ended the period with approximately 8 million participants"
Explanation: "With" is the correct preposition to use with "approximately", and "million" should be written as a single word.
"Swimming number of participators" -> "Swimming participation"
Explanation: "Participation" is the correct noun form, and "number of participators" is redundant and awkward.
"started to had a leap" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and precise than "started to had a leap", which is grammatically incorrect and informal.
"ended up having close to 5 million" -> "ended with approximately 5 million"
Explanation: "Ended with" is more formal and precise than "ended up having", and "approximately" is more appropriate than "close to" in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in both charts, but the information is not always appropriately selected. For example, the essay states that "Football statistic was stable over the years" but this is not entirely accurate as the number of participants in football did fluctuate slightly. The essay also provides some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "The spending kept increasing significantly til the end of the graph, 2014, at over 30 pounds a month and is expected to continue to incline." This statement is not supported by the data in the chart and is therefore irrelevant.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends in the charts and providing more accurate and relevant information. The essay should also avoid making predictions or assumptions about future trends.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While the introduction outlines the charts, the body paragraphs do not consistently follow a logical structure. There is some use of cohesive devices, but they are often inadequate or repetitive, leading to confusion in the flow of ideas. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between the discussions of the two charts could be clearer.

How to improve:

Enhance Logical Progression: Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next. Use clear topic sentences and transitions to guide the reader through the information.
Vary Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and sentences. Avoid repetition of phrases and ensure that each device used accurately reflects the relationship between ideas.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Clearly separate discussions of the two charts into distinct paragraphs, and ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus. For example, one paragraph could summarize the first chart, while another could summarize the second chart, followed by a comparative analysis.
Clarify References: Use referencing more effectively to avoid ambiguity. For instance, instead of saying "the second graph," specify "the second chart showing children’s participation in sports."

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of ideas. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary (e.g., "incline," "participators"), but inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present (e.g., "significant incline," "had a leap in number"). Additionally, there are some spelling errors (e.g., "particpated," "til," "millions") and issues with word formation that detract from the overall clarity, though they do not completely impede understanding.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on the following:

Expand Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items, while ensuring accurate usage.
Improve Word Choice: Use more precise and contextually appropriate words (e.g., replace "incline" with "increase" or "rise").
Check Spelling and Formation: Proofread to correct spelling errors and ensure proper word formation (e.g., "participants" instead of "participators").
Use Collocations: Familiarize with common collocations to enhance fluency and naturalness in expression (e.g., "increased participation" instead of "had a leap in number").

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences, but these attempts are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as "an significant incline" (should be "a significant incline"), "til" (should be "until"), and "had a leap in number" (should be "saw a leap in numbers"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While the essay communicates the main ideas, the inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the response.
How to improve: To improve the score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures accurately. Practicing complex sentences with correct conjunctions and ensuring subject-verb agreement will help. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors and punctuation issues before submission can enhance clarity and reduce errors. Engaging in exercises that reinforce grammatical rules and sentence variety will also be beneficial.

Bài sửa mẫu

The first chart indicates the amount of money spent by parents in Britain on their children’s sports during the period from 2008 to 2014. The second chart describes children’s participation in three different sports: football, athletics, and swimming during the surveyed time. Overall, it can be said that these charts both show a significant increase over the same period.

Looking at the first graph, at the start of the survey period, parents spent an average of £20 per month on their children’s sports activities. This spending increased significantly until the end of the graph in 2014, reaching over £30 a month, and is expected to continue to rise.

Moving on to the second graph, in 2008, British children’s participation in football was the highest, with over 7.5 million children, followed by swimming with close to 2.5 million participants, while athletics had the least participation. The football statistics remained stable over the years, ending the period with roughly 8 million participants. The number of children participating in swimming increased noticeably, reaching around 4 million in 2014. Participation in athletics began to rise significantly in 2010 and ended up with close to 5 million participants in 2014.

The first chart below gives information about the money spent by Bristish parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who particpated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.