The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on
their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of
children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

Two charts given illustrate information about the money spent by parents on their children's sports and the number of children taking part in three sports in Britain during the 6-year period starting from 2008.

From an overall perspective, there were upward trends in the amount of money parents spent on their children's sports and the number of children participating in all three sports in Britain. In addition, the trend for the number of children joining in athletics was different from others throughout the surveyed time span.

Looking at the graph in move detail, in 2008, British parents, allocated average 20 pounds son their kids' sports. Besides, the number of children taking part in football was the highest, at about 8 millions, followed behind by those taking part in swimming with the figure of around 2 millions In comparison, the figure for those participating in athletics was slightly lower , at 0.5 millions.

By 2014, a significant growth had been seen in average spending on British children's sports, reaching nearly 32 pounds. Moreover, the number of children joining in football and swimming witnessed slight increases, hitting about 9 millions and 3,5 millions respectively .Similarly, those taking part in athletics rose considerably to approximately 4,5 millions in 2014.

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Errors and Improvements:

"illustrate information about" -> "depict data regarding"
Explanation: "Illustrate information about" is somewhat redundant. "Depict data regarding" maintains clarity while introducing a more precise phrase.
"From an overall perspective" -> "From a comprehensive standpoint"
Explanation: "From an overall perspective" is slightly informal. "From a comprehensive standpoint" maintains the idea of considering the entirety of the information while using a more sophisticated phrase.
"upward trends" -> "ascending trends"
Explanation: "Upward trends" is commonly used but "ascending trends" provides a more nuanced and formal expression.
"joining in athletics" -> "participating in athletics"
Explanation: "Joining in athletics" sounds awkward. "Participating in athletics" is more commonly used and clearer in meaning.
"in move detail" -> "in greater detail"
Explanation: "In move detail" is incorrect. "In greater detail" provides a clearer and more formal expression of examining something more closely.
"British parents, allocated average 20 pounds son" -> "British parents allocated an average of 20 pounds on"
Explanation: "British parents, allocated average 20 pounds son" lacks grammatical correctness. Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and grammatical accuracy.
"at about 8 millions" -> "approximately 8 million"
Explanation: "At about 8 millions" lacks grammatical accuracy. "Approximately 8 million" is the correct grammatical form.
"behind by those" -> "followed by those"
Explanation: "Behind by those" is incorrect usage. "Followed by those" accurately describes the sequence of events.
"with the figure of around 2 millions" -> "with a figure of around 2 million"
Explanation: "With the figure of around 2 millions" lacks grammatical accuracy. "With a figure of around 2 million" is the correct form.
"In comparison, the figure for those participating in athletics was slightly lower, at 0.5 millions." -> "In contrast, the figure for those participating in athletics was slightly lower, at 0.5 million."
Explanation: "In comparison" is inappropriate because it implies a comparison between two things, which is not explicitly stated. "In contrast" accurately introduces a comparison between the figures. Also, "0.5 millions" should be corrected to "0.5 million" to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"By 2014, a significant growth had been seen" -> "By 2014, significant growth had occurred"
Explanation: "A significant growth had been seen" is somewhat passive. The suggested alternative is more direct and active.
"witnessed slight increases, hitting about" -> "witnessed slight increases, reaching approximately"
Explanation: "Hitting about" is informal. "Reaching approximately" maintains formality and clarity.
"Similarly, those taking part in athletics rose considerably to approximately 4,5 millions in 2014." -> "Similarly, the number of those participating in athletics rose considerably to approximately 4.5 million in 2014."
Explanation: "Those taking part in athletics" is slightly awkward. "The number of those participating in athletics" is clearer. Also, "4,5 millions" should be corrected to "4.5 million" for grammatical accuracy.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by presenting an overview of the main trends in the data provided. It highlights key features such as the increase in spending on children’s sports and the corresponding rise in the number of children participating in various sports. The essay also correctly identifies that the trend for athletics differs from the others. However, there are some areas where the response could be more fully developed, such as providing more specific details about the trends and avoiding minor inaccuracies in the data presentation.

How to improve:
To improve, provide more specific details regarding the trends observed in the data, such as exact figures for the increases in spending and participation numbers. Additionally, ensure accuracy in the data presented, including proper formatting of numbers (e.g., £20 instead of "20 pounds"). Finally, consider expanding on the significance of the observed trends to offer a more comprehensive analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion to a satisfactory extent. It follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction provides an overview of the two charts and outlines the main trends. Each body paragraph focuses on specific data points and trends from the charts, allowing for logical progression and organization of ideas. However, there are some instances of faulty cohesion within sentences, such as "British parents, allocated average 20 pounds son their kids’ sports," which should be revised for clarity. Additionally, while there is paragraphing, it could be improved for better logical flow between paragraphs.

How to improve:

Revise sentences for clearer cohesion, ensuring that the meaning is conveyed smoothly.
Improve paragraphing logic to enhance the flow between paragraphs and ensure a smoother transition between ideas.
Consider integrating more cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It covers the necessary terminology related to the charts presented and attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "allocated," "witnessed," and "considerably." However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, as seen in phrases like "allocated average 20 pounds son" (should be "spent an average of £20 on") and "witnessed slight increases" (should be "witnessed slight increases"). Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling, such as "move detail" (should be "more detail") and "those taking part in swimming with the figure of around 2 millions" (should be "those taking part in swimming, with a figure of around 2 million"). These errors do not impede communication but affect the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on using more precise and accurate vocabulary and expressions. Review the correct collocations and word forms for the vocabulary used in the essay. Additionally, pay attention to spelling and word formation to avoid errors that may distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating varied structures such as introductory phrases ("From an overall perspective," "Looking at the graph in more detail," "By 2014,") and relative clauses ("the trend for the number of children joining in athletics was different from others"). However, there are notable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, such as missing articles ("average 20 pounds son their kids’ sports"), subject-verb agreement issues ("British parents, allocated average 20 pounds son their kids’ sports"), and punctuation errors ("swimming with the figure of around 2 millions In comparison"). Despite these errors, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve, focus on refining grammar and punctuation. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use articles correctly. Additionally, ensure consistent punctuation usage for clarity. Consider revising sentences for clarity and precision, and aim for more accurate expressions throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts delineate the expenditures made by British parents on their children’s sports activities and the corresponding participation rates in three different sports in Britain over the span of six years, commencing from 2008.

From a holistic viewpoint, there was a consistent upward trajectory observed in both the financial investments made by parents in their children’s sports endeavors and the engagement levels of children across all three sports in Britain. Notably, the trend pertaining to participation in athletics diverged from that of the other sports throughout the duration under consideration.

Delving into the specifics, in the initial year of 2008, British parents expended an average of £20 on their children’s sporting pursuits. Concurrently, football emerged as the most popular sport among children, with approximately 8 million participants, followed by swimming, which garnered a participation rate of around 2 million. In contrast, athletics witnessed a comparatively lower participation rate, standing at 0.5 million.

Fast forward to 2014, a notable surge was evident in the average expenditure allocated by British parents for their children’s sports activities, peaking at nearly £32. Furthermore, there were marginal increments in the participation rates for football and swimming, reaching approximately 9 million and 3.5 million participants, respectively. Similarly, the number of children engaging in athletics witnessed a substantial rise, reaching approximately 4.5 million by the year 2014.