The government’s investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Do you agree or disagree?

The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Do you agree or disagree?

The first reason why government should spend money in arts, music and theatre is that arts, music and theatre is kept our culture from past to now. For example, foreign tourists can know more about my country cultures such as tradition foods like pho, bun bo,…through arts. Not only that, traditional music such as Quan Ho folk songs, Cheo,… also well know for tourists when they come to Viet Nam. In the other side, many theatre in Viet Nam like Sai Gon opera house, Hoi An Lune Centre,…which have a big history also a famous place for tourist to visit. Consequently, many arts, music and theatre help Viet Nam develop our country.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "government should spend money in arts, music and theatre" -> "the government should allocate funds to arts, music, and theatre"
   Explanation: "Allocate funds" is a more precise and formal term than "spend money," and using "the government" instead of "government" clarifies the subject. Additionally, the Oxford comma after "music" is necessary for clarity and adherence to formal writing standards.

2. "arts, music and theatre is kept our culture" -> "arts, music, and theatre preserve our culture"
   Explanation: "Preserve" is the correct verb form for the passive construction, and using "arts, music, and theatre" without the definite article "the" is more appropriate as it refers to the general categories rather than specific instances.

3. "from past to now" -> "from the past to the present"
   Explanation: "From the past to the present" is a more formal and precise way to express the time span, aligning better with academic style.

4. "foreign tourists can know more about my country cultures" -> "foreign tourists can gain a deeper understanding of my country’s cultures"
   Explanation: "Gain a deeper understanding" is more formal and precise than "know more about," and adding "my country’s" corrects the possessive form.

5. "like pho, bun bo,," -> "such as pho and bun bo"
   Explanation: "Such as" is more appropriate for listing examples in formal writing, and removing the comma after "bo" corrects the punctuation.

6. "traditional music such as Quan Ho folk songs, Cheo,," -> "traditional music such as Quan Ho folk songs and Cheo"
   Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "and" is needed after "songs" for proper listing, and the comma after "Cheo" is unnecessary.

7. "In the other side" -> "On the other hand"
   Explanation: "On the other hand" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "In the other side."

8. "many theatre in Viet Nam like Sai Gon opera house, Hoi An Lune Centre,," -> "many theaters in Vietnam, such as the Sai Gon Opera House and the Hoi An Lune Centre"
   Explanation: "Theaters" should be plural to match the context, and "in Vietnam" should be used instead of "in Viet Nam" for consistency with the country’s formal name. Also, "such as" is used correctly to introduce examples, and the list should be separated by commas and "and."

9. "which have a big history also a famous place for tourist to visit" -> "which have a rich history and are renowned tourist attractions"
   Explanation: "A rich history" is more precise than "a big history," and "renowned tourist attractions" is a more formal and accurate description than "a famous place for tourist to visit."

10. "many arts, music and theatre help Viet Nam develop our country" -> "many arts, music, and theater contribute to Vietnam’s development"
    Explanation: "Contribute to" is a more precise verb than "help," and "Vietnam’s development" is the correct possessive form. Additionally, "theater" should be used instead of "theatre" for consistency with American English usage in academic contexts.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by arguing in favor of government investment in arts, music, and theatre. However, it fails to explicitly state a clear position on whether the investment is a waste of money or not. The argument presented focuses more on the benefits of arts and culture rather than directly addressing the prompt’s assertion. The essay lacks a counterargument or acknowledgment of opposing views, which is essential for a balanced response.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, including a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint (that government spending on arts could be seen as wasteful) would strengthen the argument and demonstrate critical thinking.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position throughout. While it argues for the importance of arts, music, and theatre, it does not explicitly state whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the prompt’s claim that such investments are a waste of money. The position seems to lean towards supporting investment, but this is not clearly articulated.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their stance in the introduction and consistently refer back to this position in each paragraph. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" can help clarify the writer’s viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the cultural significance of arts, music, and theatre, such as their role in attracting tourists and preserving culture. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient detail or examples. For instance, the mention of traditional foods and music is relevant, but the connection to government investment is weak and not thoroughly explained.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each point made should be backed up with specific evidence or reasoning that ties back to the main argument. For instance, discussing how government funding has led to specific cultural projects or events could strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the benefits of arts, music, and theatre. However, it occasionally veers off by focusing on cultural aspects without directly linking them back to the government’s role in funding these areas. The mention of foreign tourists and cultural heritage, while relevant, does not directly address the question of whether the investment is a waste.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that ties back to the main argument, and the writer should consistently link examples back to the question of government investment.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on clearly stating their position, developing their arguments with detailed support, and ensuring that all content remains relevant to the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of government investment in the arts, music, and theatre. The points made about cultural preservation and tourism are relevant and logically connected. However, the organization could be improved by clearly delineating the introduction, body, and conclusion. For instance, the transition from discussing cultural aspects to tourism is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from clearer linking phrases that guide the reader through the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using a more structured approach. Start with a clear introduction that outlines your main argument, followed by distinct paragraphs for each supporting point. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea, and ensure that each point is developed fully before transitioning to the next.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as it presents multiple ideas within a single block of text. This makes it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. Each idea related to the benefits of arts, music, and theatre should ideally be separated into its own paragraph to enhance clarity and focus.
  • How to improve: Implement clear paragraph breaks to separate distinct ideas. For example, one paragraph could focus on cultural preservation, while another could discuss the economic benefits of tourism related to the arts. This not only improves readability but also allows for a more in-depth exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "not only that," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some transitions feel repetitive or forced. For instance, the phrase "In the other side" is incorrectly used and should be "On the other hand," which affects the overall coherence of the argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Moreover" to introduce new points, and "However," "Conversely," or "Nevertheless" to present contrasting ideas. This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of arts, music, and theatre. Phrases such as "foreign tourists," "traditional music," and "big history" indicate an attempt to incorporate relevant terminology. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "arts, music and theatre," which appears multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary variety, the writer could use synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "arts, music and theatre," alternatives like "cultural expressions," "performing arts," or "artistic endeavors" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the language, such as "vibrant traditional music" or "historically significant theatres."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, the phrase "is kept our culture from past to now" is awkward and unclear. The intended meaning seems to be that arts preserve culture, but the wording does not effectively convey this idea. Similarly, "also well know for tourists" should be "also well-known to tourists," indicating a lack of grammatical precision.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical correctness. Revising sentences for grammatical structure will enhance understanding. For example, the sentence could be rephrased to: "Arts, music, and theatre play a crucial role in preserving our culture throughout history." Additionally, using phrases like "renowned among tourists" instead of "well know for tourists" would improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "theatre" (which is spelled correctly but inconsistently used), "Viet Nam" should be "Vietnam," and "tradition foods" should be "traditional foods." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can hinder comprehension.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools. Practicing spelling of commonly used words in the context of the essay topic can also be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and attempts to utilize relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, the sentence "The first reason why government should spend money in arts, music and theatre is that arts, music and theatre is kept our culture from past to now" uses a basic structure that could be more complex. The use of phrases like "Not only that" introduces a compound structure, but overall, the essay lacks complex sentences that could enhance the argument’s depth and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "arts, music and theatre is kept our culture from past to now," the writer could say, "arts, music, and theatre not only preserve our culture from the past but also enrich it for future generations." This approach would improve the essay’s overall fluency and coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "government should spend money in arts, music and theatre" should use "on" instead of "in." Additionally, the phrase "arts, music and theatre is kept our culture" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "keeps" instead of "is kept." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in lists, where there should be a comma before "and" (Oxford comma) for clarity. Furthermore, the phrase "In the other side" should be "On the other hand," which is a more commonly used expression.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on verb forms and prepositions, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that lists are punctuated correctly will improve clarity. Reading more complex texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy for future IELTS essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The first reason why the government should spend money on arts, music, and theatre is that they preserve our culture from the past to the present. For example, foreign tourists can gain a deeper understanding of my country’s cultures through traditional foods like pho and bun bo, as well as through the arts. Not only that, traditional music such as Quan Ho folk songs and Cheo is also well known to tourists when they come to Vietnam. On the other hand, many theaters in Vietnam, such as the Sai Gon Opera House and the Hoi An Lune Centre, which have a rich history, are renowned tourist attractions. Consequently, arts, music, and theatre contribute to Vietnam’s development.