The graph and the chart below show the number of students choosing different kind of courses in a particular university in 2012

The chart compares the total amount of time both genders expensed daily on domestic tasks and leisure activities in minutes in the 2008 year.
In Overall, while most of the entertainment activities show the total of time that males spent on more than females, women overwhelmed in the amount of time spent on household works.
To begin with, in each of entertainment activities, almost the amount of minutes that men spent on each activity were higher than women.For example, in term of social media such as TV, radio, and video men show the domination in the total of time consuming on . Moreover, the average time expensed on workout activities by males were slightly higher than females – just only 4 minutes. However , in the term of reading , women show higher than men in the time amount of time spent on.
Turning to another columb, the average minutes that both gender spent on showed the overwhelming by female gender. Moreover, while most of the domestic tasks show dominance in average minutes expensed by women,men spent more than women in term of repairing. Additionally, the laundry task showed the significantly dominance in the average of time women expensed compared to men.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"expensed" -> "spent"
Explanation: "Expensed" is not typically used in the context of time allocation, where "spent" is the correct verb to describe the allocation of time to activities.
"in the 2008 year" -> "in 2008"
Explanation: The phrase "in the 2008 year" is redundant and incorrect. "In 2008" is the correct form for referring to a specific year.
"In Overall" -> "Overall"
Explanation: "In Overall" is grammatically incorrect. "Overall" is an adverbial phrase that should not be preceded by "in."
"overwhelmed in the amount of time spent" -> "outnumbered in the time spent"
Explanation: "Overwhelmed" is emotionally charged and incorrectly used here. "Outnumbered" is the correct term to describe when one group has a greater quantity or number than another, which is appropriate in this context of comparing time allocation.
"almost the amount of minutes" -> "nearly all the minutes"
Explanation: "Almost the amount of minutes" is awkward and unclear. "Nearly all the minutes" is clearer and more natural in academic writing.
"in term of" -> "in terms of"
Explanation: "In term of" is a grammatical error. The correct phrase is "in terms of," which is used to introduce a topic or subject.
"domination in the total of time consuming on" -> "dominance in the total time spent on"
Explanation: "Domination in the total of time consuming on" is awkward and incorrect. "Dominance in the total time spent on" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"just only 4 minutes" -> "just 4 minutes"
Explanation: "Just only" is redundant. "Just" is sufficient to convey the idea of a small difference or exception.
"in the term of" -> "in terms of"
Explanation: Same correction as point 6.
"columb" -> "column"
Explanation: "Columb" is a typographical error. The correct term is "column," referring to a vertical arrangement of data or information.
"dominance in average minutes expensed" -> "dominance in the average minutes spent"
Explanation: "Expensed" is again incorrect in this context. "Spent" is the correct verb to use when referring to the allocation of time.
"significantly dominance" -> "significant dominance"
Explanation: "Significantly dominance" is grammatically incorrect. "Significant dominance" is the correct phrase, indicating a notable or important aspect of the data.

These corrections and improvements enhance the clarity, precision, and formality of the academic style required for the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3

Explanation: The essay fails to address the task, which has been completely misunderstood. The essay does not describe the data presented in the graph and chart. Instead, it describes a different set of data about the time spent on domestic tasks and leisure activities.

How to improve: The essay needs to be rewritten to accurately describe the data presented in the graph and chart. The essay should provide an overview of the main trends in the data, and then highlight the key features of the data. The essay should also use appropriate language to describe the data, such as "increase", "decrease", "higher", "lower", "more", "less", etc.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but it lacks overall progression and clarity. While there are attempts to compare the time spent by genders on various activities, the ideas are not always logically sequenced, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the flow of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument effectively.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on clearly structuring paragraphs with distinct central topics. Each paragraph should logically progress from one idea to the next, using appropriate cohesive devices to connect sentences and ideas. Additionally, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring accurate referencing will improve clarity. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help eliminate confusion and enhance overall readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the comparison between genders in terms of time spent on activities, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "expensed" instead of "spent," and "overwhelmed" instead of "dominated," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation that detract from clarity, such as "columb" instead of "column" and "in term of" instead of "in terms of." Overall, the lexical resource does not meet the expectations for higher bands due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to the topic. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items can help convey meanings more effectively. Additionally, attention should be given to common collocations and phrases to improve fluency and naturalness. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will also help to reduce errors that impede communication. Engaging with a wider range of texts can provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and improve overall language control.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent, with frequent grammatical errors that can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the total amount of time both genders expensed" and "the overwhelming by female gender" reflect awkward constructions and misuse of vocabulary. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas and incorrect use of articles, which further detract from clarity. Overall, while the essay attempts to convey information, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder effective communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility. This can include using subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions.
Grammar and Vocabulary: Pay attention to correct word forms and usage (e.g., "expended" instead of "expensed"). Review common grammatical rules to reduce errors.
Punctuation: Practice proper punctuation, especially with commas and conjunctions, to improve the flow and clarity of sentences.
Proofreading: Before finalizing the essay, take time to proofread for minor errors and awkward phrasing to ensure that the intended meaning is clear.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart compares the total amount of time both genders spent daily on domestic tasks and leisure activities in minutes in the year 2008.

Overall, while most entertainment activities show that the total time spent by males is greater than that of females, women dominate in the amount of time spent on household tasks.

To begin with, in each entertainment activity, the amount of minutes that men spent was higher than that of women. For example, in terms of social media activities such as TV, radio, and video, men show dominance in the total time consumed. Moreover, the average time spent on workout activities by males was slightly higher than that of females—just 4 minutes more. However, in terms of reading, women spent more time than men.

Turning to another column, the average minutes that both genders spent on domestic tasks showed overwhelming dominance by females. While most domestic tasks indicate a higher average time spent by women, men spent more than women in terms of repairs. Additionally, the laundry task showed significant dominance in the average time spent by women compared to men.