the graph and the chart below show the number of students choosing different kinds of courses in a particular university in 2012

The provide chart represents the sexual category of scholars in the various genres of progression. Furthermore, the below line chart shows the entire amount of learners through the specific major during 2012.
Overall, it is evident that female students preferred Management and engineer, whereas male learners decided more on Engineer, Management and Health as well. Noticeably, both genders leaned toward Agricutures.
Looking more closely, the Management number of female students choosing this course was around 4000, which was dual of male, making it the highest portion in the chart. Additionally, Engineer followed as two- third in comparison with Management, which was the greatest male students selecting in a particular university compared to female just made up more than a thousand. Through the others, almost majors made up a tiny and negligible part in total.
In addition, the leading course in this year was Management with a total of 6000 students. Engineering trailed behind with around 4000 leamers, which was the second most common course in almost majors. Following by Health which was equal to out number 1 to 4 compared to the largest profession. The smallest were Math, Art and Agricuture which was equal to a half when comparing with Management. Lastly, only 250 students engaged in Agriculture, making it the least common course among all

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provide chart" -> "The provided chart"
Explanation: "The provide chart" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "The provided chart" to agree with the passive voice used in the sentence.
"sexual category" -> "subject categories"
Explanation: "Sexual category" is inappropriate and unclear in this context. "Subject categories" is more precise and appropriate for describing academic disciplines.
"genres of progression" -> "fields of study"
Explanation: "Genres of progression" is vague and unclear. "Fields of study" is the correct term for academic disciplines.
"the below line chart" -> "the following line chart"
Explanation: "The below" is an incorrect phrase; "the following" is the correct adverbial phrase to introduce a subsequent element.
"learners" -> "students"
Explanation: "Learners" is too general and less specific than "students," which is the correct term for individuals enrolled in educational institutions.
"decided more on" -> "opted for"
Explanation: "Decided more on" is informal and vague. "Opted for" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style.
"Noticeably" -> "Notably"
Explanation: "Noticeably" is not typically used to introduce a factual observation in academic writing. "Notably" is more suitable for formal texts.
"leaned toward Agricutures" -> "showed a preference for Agriculture"
Explanation: "Leaned toward" is informal and imprecise. "Showed a preference for" is more formal and accurate.
"dual of" -> "twice that of"
Explanation: "Dual of" is incorrect; "twice that of" correctly conveys the comparative relationship intended.
"making it the highest portion" -> "making it the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Highest portion" is less formal and slightly ambiguous. "Largest proportion" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"two- third" -> "two-thirds"
Explanation: "Two- third" is a typographical error; "two-thirds" is the correct form.
"just made up more than a thousand" -> "exceeded 1,000"
Explanation: "Just made up more than a thousand" is informal and vague. "Exceeded 1,000" is clear and formal.
"Through the others" -> "In other cases"
Explanation: "Through the others" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "In other cases" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"out number 1 to 4" -> "outnumbered the first four"
Explanation: "Out number 1 to 4" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Outnumbered the first four" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"the largest profession" -> "the largest field"
Explanation: "Profession" is incorrect as it refers to a specific occupation, not a field of study. "Field" is the correct term.
"equal to a half" -> "equivalent to half"
Explanation: "Equal to a half" is awkward and incorrect. "Equivalent to half" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"only 250 students engaged in Agriculture" -> "only 250 students were enrolled in Agriculture"
Explanation: "Engaged in" is too vague and informal for this context. "Were enrolled in" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the charts. However, the overview is not clear and the essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay also presents key features/bullet points but inadequately covers them. For example, the essay states that "the leading course in this year was Management with a total of 6000 students" but does not provide any further information about the number of male and female students choosing this course.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the data and by presenting the key features/bullet points in a more comprehensive way. The essay could also be improved by using more accurate and precise language. For example, instead of saying "almost majors made up a tiny and negligible part in total," the essay could say "the remaining courses had a significantly lower number of students."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to discuss the data from the charts, the ideas are not clearly connected, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some sections lacking clear topic sentences or logical flow.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information and ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding repetition will improve the flow of ideas. Furthermore, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next will help create a clearer overall progression in the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to use some less common lexical items, such as "scholars," "genres of progression," and "negligible," there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "sexual category" instead of "gender," and "the entire amount of learners" instead of "the total number of students." Additionally, there are errors in spelling ("leamers" instead of "learners," "Agricutures" instead of "Agriculture") that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the vocabulary used does not consistently convey precise meanings and lacks the flexibility and sophistication required for higher band scores.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise terms relevant to the context. Practicing with synonyms and collocations can help improve word choice. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will aid in achieving clearer communication. Engaging with a variety of academic texts can also expose the writer to more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions, which can be incorporated into future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. Issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect word forms, and punctuation errors are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Overall, the grammatical control is inconsistent, and errors are noticeable throughout the text.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following strategies:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as relative clauses and conditional sentences, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
Proofreading: Carefully review the essay for grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word forms, to ensure clarity and correctness.
Practice Punctuation: Improve punctuation use to enhance readability and ensure that sentences are correctly structured.
Use of Academic Vocabulary: Employ more precise and varied vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively and accurately.
Seek Feedback: Engage with peers or instructors for constructive feedback on grammatical usage and overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart represents the gender distribution of students in various types of courses. Furthermore, the line chart below shows the total number of learners in specific majors during 2012.

Overall, it is evident that female students preferred Management and Engineering, whereas male learners opted more for Engineering, Management, and Health. Notably, both genders showed a preference for Agriculture.

Looking more closely, the number of female students choosing Management was around 4,000, which was double that of male students, making it the highest proportion in the chart. Additionally, Engineering followed with two-thirds of the Management figure, being the most selected course among male students, while female students comprised just over 1,000. In contrast, the other majors represented a small and negligible part of the total.

In addition, the leading course in this year was Management, with a total of 6,000 students. Engineering trailed behind with around 4,000 learners, making it the second most common course among the majors. Following this were Health, which had a ratio of 1 to 4 compared to the largest course. The smallest enrollments were in Math, Art, and Agriculture, which were each equal to half of the Management figure. Lastly, only 250 students engaged in Agriculture, making it the least common course among all.