The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased items in a particular bakery for the year 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased items in a particular bakery for the year 2014.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph compares the turnover from the three most frequently purchased dishes in one bakery in the year 2014.
In January, there were about $80,000 in the turnover from bread. The figure fluctuated before rising significantly to the same point as the first month in the last four months. The sale of buns in the first month was $40,000, then the figure witnessed a slight growth in the following seven months, occupying $70,000. From then on, however, there was a marked reduction to $30,000 in the amount of buns earned.
Turning to the third item, the amount of pies obtained was the lowest in the beginning of the year, accounting for $10,000. The figure experiened a gradual increase to $20,000 in October. In addition, in the middle of November, the turnover from buns was overtaken by the figure for pies to become the lowest sale in the bakery.
Overall, the sale of bread surpassed the figure for buns to reach a peak. It is also noticeable pies showed a steady climb in sales towars the end of the year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph compares" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "compares," which is somewhat vague and less specific in this context.
"the three most frequently purchased dishes" -> "the three most popular items"
Explanation: "Items" is a more neutral and formal term than "dishes," which may imply food specifically, making it more suitable for a general description of products sold in a bakery.
"there were about $80,000 in the turnover" -> "the turnover was approximately $80,000"
Explanation: "The turnover was approximately" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction "there were about" which is less formal and less clear.
"The figure fluctuated before rising significantly" -> "The figure experienced fluctuations before rising significantly"
Explanation: "Experienced fluctuations" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the description.
"the same point as the first month in the last four months" -> "a level comparable to that of the first month in the last four months"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and avoids the awkward phrasing of the original.
"The sale of buns in the first month was $40,000, then the figure witnessed a slight growth" -> "The sales of buns in the first month totaled $40,000, followed by a slight increase"
Explanation: "Totalled" and "followed by a slight increase" are more precise and formal, improving the academic tone.
"occupying $70,000" -> "amounting to $70,000"
Explanation: "Amounting to" is more appropriate in this context, indicating the total value reached, whereas "occupying" is typically used for spatial or figurative positions.
"there was a marked reduction to $30,000" -> "there was a significant decline to $30,000"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more specific term than "reduction" in this context, and "significant" is more formal than "marked."
"the third item" -> "the third product"
Explanation: "Product" is more specific and formal than "item" in the context of goods sold in a bakery.
"the amount of pies obtained was the lowest" -> "the sales of pies were the lowest"
Explanation: "Sales" is more specific and appropriate in this context, and "were" agrees in number with "sales."
"the figure experiened a gradual increase" -> "the figure experienced a gradual increase"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "experiened" to "experienced."
"the turnover from buns was overtaken by the figure for pies" -> "the sales of buns were surpassed by those of pies"
Explanation: "Surpassed" is more precise and formal than "overtaken," and "those of" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"the lowest sale in the bakery" -> "the lowest sales in the bakery"
Explanation: "Sales" should be plural to match the context of ongoing sales over time.
"pies showed a steady climb in sales towars the end of the year" -> "pies demonstrated a steady increase in sales towards the end of the year"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" is more formal and precise than "showed," and "towards" corrects the spelling error in "towars."

These changes enhance the formal and academic tone of the essay, improving clarity and precision in the description of the data.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is recounted mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents key features/bullet points, but it inadequately covers them. There is a tendency to focus on details rather than the overall trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that bread sales were the highest throughout the year, while bun sales were the lowest. The essay could also provide more specific details about the trends, such as the fact that bread sales fluctuated before rising significantly in the last four months of the year. The essay should also avoid recounting details mechanically and instead focus on presenting the information in a clear and concise way.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, presenting a clear overall progression. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion that detract from the overall fluidity. The referencing could be clearer, particularly in distinguishing between the different items discussed. Paragraphing is present, but the organization within paragraphs could be improved for better clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on refining the use of cohesive devices to ensure they contribute to a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., consistently using "buns," "bread," and "pies" rather than switching between terms) would help. Structuring paragraphs more logically, perhaps by dedicating each paragraph to a specific item and its trends, would also improve the overall organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms such as "turnover," "fluctuated," "significantly," and "accounting for." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary that are not always accurate, such as "experiened" (which is a spelling error) and "towars" (another spelling error). While the vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the task, the inaccuracies in word choice and spelling detract from the overall effectiveness of the communication. The essay does not fully convey precise meanings in some instances, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accuracy in spelling and word formation. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items while paying attention to their correct usage in context would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context would help improve clarity and coherence in the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the figure experiened a gradual increase" and "the turnover from buns was overtaken by the figure for pies" exhibit issues with verb tense and clarity. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, which aligns with the criteria for this band.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Proofreading: Carefully check for spelling and grammatical errors, such as "experiened" (should be "experienced") and "towars" (should be "towards").
Variety in Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately. This could involve using more subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expression of ideas, avoiding awkward phrasing that may confuse the reader. For example, rephrasing sentences for better flow and coherence can enhance overall clarity.
Practice with Punctuation: Ensure correct use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks to improve the readability of sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph compares the turnover from the three most frequently purchased items in a bakery during the year 2014.

In January, the turnover from bread was approximately $80,000. This figure fluctuated before rising significantly to match the initial amount in the last four months of the year. The sales of buns in January were $40,000, followed by a slight increase over the next seven months, reaching $70,000. However, from that point onward, there was a marked reduction, with the turnover from buns dropping to $30,000.

Turning to the third item, the turnover from pies was the lowest at the beginning of the year, accounting for $10,000. This figure experienced a gradual increase, reaching $20,000 in October. Additionally, in mid-November, the turnover from pies surpassed that of buns, making pies the lowest-selling item in the bakery.

Overall, the sales of bread consistently surpassed those of buns, reaching a peak. It is also noticeable that pies showed a steady increase in sales towards the end of the year.