the graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

the graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given line graph illustrates the amount of engagement in different type of activities at social centre in Melbourne of Australia from 2000 to 2020.
In general, film club was an activity that attracted a large number of individual to take part in over the period time between 2000 and 2020. In contrast, musical performances was not only the activity which had least number of people in the the first time but it was also organized later than each others one year.
As can be seen in the film club and Martial arts, this both activities had a static fluctuation during the period time. While Film club accounted the highest number of participants at 64 percent in 2000 and fluctuate slightly from 60 to 65 percent from 2005 to 2020, in 2000, Martial art had less participants at 36 percent and had variation gradually between 33 and 36 percent.
According to table tennis and Musical performances, two types of this had an upward trend. We can see that Table tennis reach at 16 percent in 2000 and increased marginally in the two following years, after that this figure went up considerably in remainning period time. However, in 2005 as well as the first year that Musical performances was organized, there was not participants to engage in and after that this number had a moderate jump from 10 to 17 percent over the period time. In contrast, Amateur dramatics had a significant collapse from 2005 to 2020 between 2005 to 2020.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph illustrates" -> "The provided line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat casual and vague in this context.
"different type of activities" -> "different types of activities"
Explanation: Adding the plural form "types" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the plural subject "activities."
"individual to take part in" -> "individuals to participate in"
Explanation: "Individuals" is the correct plural form to match the subject, and "participate" is more formal than "take part in."
"over the period time" -> "over the period"
Explanation: Removing "time" corrects the redundancy and maintains the formal tone.
"not only the activity which had least number of people" -> "not only the activity with the least number of participants"
Explanation: "With the least number of participants" is grammatically correct and more precise than "which had least number of people."
"each others one year" -> "each other year"
Explanation: "Each other" is the correct phrase to use when referring to two entities, and "year" should not be modified with "one."
"this both activities" -> "these two activities"
Explanation: "These two activities" is grammatically correct and clearer than "this both activities."
"accounted the highest number of participants" -> "accounted for the highest number of participants"
Explanation: "Accounted for" is the correct preposition to use with "highest number of participants."
"fluctuate slightly from 60 to 65 percent" -> "fluctuated slightly between 60 and 65 percent"
Explanation: "Fluctuated" should be in the past tense to match the time frame discussed, and "between" is the correct preposition for indicating a range.
"had variation gradually between 33 and 36 percent" -> "experienced gradual variation between 33 and 36 percent"
Explanation: "Experienced gradual variation" is a more precise and formal way to describe changes over time.
"two types of this" -> "two types of these"
Explanation: "Types" should be plural to agree with "two," and "these" is the correct demonstrative pronoun to refer back to the previously mentioned activities.
"reach at 16 percent" -> "reached 16 percent"
Explanation: "Reached" should be in the past tense to match the time frame discussed.
"increased marginally in the two following years" -> "increased marginally over the next two years"
Explanation: "Over the next two years" is more precise and formal than "in the two following years."
"remainning period time" -> "remaining period"
Explanation: "Remaining" is the correct adjective form, and "period" should not be repeated unnecessarily.
"there was not participants to engage in" -> "there were no participants to engage in"
Explanation: "Were no" corrects the verb agreement and removes the awkward construction.
"had a significant collapse" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant decline" is a more formal and accurate way to describe a decrease in participation.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the graph. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents key features/bullet points but does not fully extend them. For example, the essay states that "Film club was an activity that attracted a large number of individual to take part in over the period time between 2000 and 2020" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made about the different activities. For example, the essay could state that "Film club was the most popular activity in 2000, with 64% of participants taking part." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the graph. For example, instead of saying that "Table tennis reach at 16 percent in 2000 and increased marginally in the two following years," the essay could say that "Table tennis participation increased from 16% in 2000 to 18% in 2002."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare different activities, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas are not grouped effectively.

How to improve:

Enhance Logical Flow: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas progress logically from one to the next. Use linking phrases to guide the reader through the argument.
Refine Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately. Avoid repetitive phrases and ensure that references are clear and accurate.
Improve Paragraphing: Organize the essay into distinct paragraphs that each focus on a specific activity or comparison, making sure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
Clarify Comparisons: When making comparisons, explicitly state the relationships between the activities and their trends to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "amount of engagement" instead of "number of participants," and "individual" instead of "individuals." Additionally, errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the the first time" and "this both activities," can cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource is insufficient to convey the information clearly and effectively.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to data description and comparison. Practicing with synonyms and less common lexical items can help avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors will improve clarity and coherence. Engaging with high-quality writing samples can also provide insight into effective vocabulary usage in similar contexts.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and article usage, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the amount of engagement in different type of activities" and "the activity which had least number of people" contain errors that detract from clarity. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, further hinder the overall readability of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and proper punctuation to reduce errors. For example, use "types of activities" instead of "type of activities" and ensure that sentences are properly punctuated.
Proofreading: Allocate time to review the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasing. This can help catch mistakes that may not be immediately obvious during writing.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify recurring grammatical issues and work on them systematically.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the amount of engagement in different types of activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020.

In general, the film club was an activity that attracted a large number of individuals to participate in over the period from 2000 to 2020. In contrast, musical performances not only had the least number of participants initially but were also organized one year later than the other activities.

As can be seen in the film club and martial arts, both activities experienced static fluctuations during this time. While the film club accounted for the highest number of participants at 64 percent in 2000 and fluctuated slightly between 60 and 65 percent from 2005 to 2020, martial arts had fewer participants at 36 percent in 2000 and varied gradually between 33 and 36 percent.

Regarding table tennis and musical performances, these two types showed an upward trend. Table tennis reached 16 percent in 2000 and increased marginally in the following two years; after that, this figure rose considerably for the remaining period. However, in 2005, which was also the first year that musical performances were organized, there were no participants, but this number saw a moderate increase from 10 to 17 percent over the period. In contrast, amateur dramatics experienced a significant decline from 2005 to 2020.