the graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne , Australia from 2000 to 2020

The provided chart illustrates the contributor figures during the various social pastime in Melbourne between the early 20th century.
As it is presented, the highest participants increased rapidly when joining in table tennis, regardless of amateur dramatics, was dropped after 2005.
It is apparently seen that the number of members participating in table tennis soared through starting to 2010. Even though, during the initial period, the figure just had a slight increase and then outnumbered 2 to 1. Moreover, followed by martial arts, which had a slow starting point of at least 5 years, made up roughly 20 times and achieved the similar data in comparison with the previous figure of table tennis.
Looking more closely, film clumb, which was the top number during the whole period, got a slightly change and remain static compared to almost activities

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided chart illustrates the contributor figures during the various social pastime in Melbourne between the early 20th century." -> "The chart provided illustrates the participation figures for various social activities in Melbourne between the early 20th century."
Explanation: "Contributor figures" is unclear and "social pastime" is a less precise term. "Participation figures for various social activities" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.
"regardless of amateur dramatics, was dropped after 2005." -> "regardless of amateur dramatics, declined after 2005."
Explanation: "Dropped" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Declined" is more precise and appropriate for describing changes in data.
"It is apparently seen that the number of members participating in table tennis soared through starting to 2010." -> "It is evident that the number of participants in table tennis increased significantly from 2010 onwards."
Explanation: "Soared" is an emotional and informal term; "increased significantly" is more neutral and academically suitable. "Starting to 2010" is incorrect; "from 2010 onwards" is the correct temporal expression.
"Even though, during the initial period, the figure just had a slight increase and then outnumbered 2 to 1." -> "Although the initial increase was slight, the figure then surpassed 2:1."
Explanation: "Even though" is a less formal conjunction; "although" is preferred in academic writing. "Just" is too informal and "outnumbered 2 to 1" is an informal idiom; "surpassed 2:1" is more formal and precise.
"followed by martial arts, which had a slow starting point of at least 5 years, made up roughly 20 times and achieved the similar data in comparison with the previous figure of table tennis." -> "followed by martial arts, which had a slow start-up period of at least 5 years, increased by approximately 20 times and reached similar levels to those of table tennis."
Explanation: "Made up roughly 20 times" is unclear and informal; "increased by approximately 20 times" is more precise and formal. "Achieved the similar data" is awkward and unclear; "reached similar levels" is clearer and more appropriate.
"Looking more closely, film clumb, which was the top number during the whole period, got a slightly change and remain static compared to almost activities" -> "Upon closer examination, film club, which was the top-ranked activity throughout the period, experienced a slight change and remained static compared to most other activities."
Explanation: "Looking more closely" is informal; "Upon closer examination" is more formal. "Film clumb" is a typographical error and unclear; "film club" is the correct term. "Got a slightly change" is grammatically incorrect; "experienced a slight change" is correct. "Remain static" is awkward; "remained static" is grammatically correct. "Compared to almost activities" is incorrect; "compared to most other activities" is grammatically correct and clearer.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. It focuses on individual activities and does not make comparisons between them. The essay also contains some inaccuracies, such as stating that the number of participants in table tennis "soared through starting to 2010". This is not accurate as the number of participants in table tennis increased steadily from 2000 to 2010.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in table tennis increased steadily from 2000 to 2010, while the number of participants in amateur dramatics decreased. The essay could also make comparisons between the different activities, such as stating that the number of participants in table tennis was significantly higher than the number of participants in musical theatre in 2020. The essay should also be more accurate in its descriptions of the data. For example, the essay should not state that the number of participants in table tennis "soared through starting to 2010". Instead, the essay should state that the number of participants in table tennis increased steadily from 2000 to 2010.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While there are attempts to describe the data, the ideas are not clearly connected, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the flow of information does not guide the reader effectively through the analysis of the chart.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas in a logical sequence, ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will reduce repetition and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured and contribute to a clear progression of ideas will elevate the score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the graph, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "contributor figures" instead of "participant numbers," and "social pastime" instead of "social activities." Additionally, spelling errors like "clumb" instead of "club" and awkward phrases such as "the highest participants increased rapidly" detract from clarity. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 5.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary and use more precise terms relevant to the topic. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors would improve clarity. Incorporating less common lexical items accurately and ensuring appropriate collocations would also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in verb forms and sentence structure, which can cause difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. For example, phrases like "the highest participants increased rapidly when joining in table tennis" and "the figure just had a slight increase and then outnumbered 2 to 1" exhibit awkward constructions and unclear references. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, which further detract from clarity.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with appropriate subordinate clauses. Practicing the correct use of verb tenses and ensuring subject-verb agreement will help reduce grammatical errors. Furthermore, careful proofreading for punctuation and clarity can improve overall communication. Engaging with more advanced grammar resources or writing exercises may also contribute to a better command of the language.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the participant figures for various social activities in Melbourne between 2000 and 2020.

As presented, the highest number of participants increased rapidly when joining table tennis, while participation in amateur dramatics declined after 2005.

It is apparent that the number of members participating in table tennis soared starting in 2010. Although during the initial period, the figure experienced only a slight increase, it eventually outnumbered the participants in other activities by a ratio of 2 to 1. Moreover, martial arts, which had a slow starting point of at least five years, made up roughly 20 participants and achieved similar figures compared to the previous table tennis data.

Looking more closely, film clubs, which had the highest number of participants throughout the entire period, showed only slight changes and remained static compared to almost all other activities.