The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for
different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period
2000 to 2020.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and
make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph shows the number of participants in various activities at a social centre in Melbourne from 2000 to 2020. Overall, the number of film club members was at an all-time high. Flim and martial arts clubs were the most stable activities, with no huge changes in the number of members while other activities had experienced many changes.
Starting with the year 2000, it showed that film clubs with the most participants at around 63 members, leaving others far behind, followed by martial arts club with 36 members and amateur dramatics having 26 participators. The lowest in number of member clubs are table tennis and musical performances club with 26 and no members.
In the year 2020, the number of members in each club has changed. Film club, still the biggest club with 65 members, slightly higher than in 2000. Table tennis club had had a noticeable increase, being in second place with over 50 members. Martial arts participants had roughly the same number of members as in 2000. They started to have their first member in 2005, musical performances club in 2020 had about 15 members. In contrast with other activities, the amateur dramatics club had declined in members and lost nearly 20 members.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph shows" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "shows," which is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe the presentation of data.
"various activities at a social centre" -> "various activities at the social centre"
Explanation: Using "the" instead of "a" corrects the definite article usage, as the social centre is being referred to as a specific entity throughout the essay.
"at an all-time high" -> "at its peak"
Explanation: "At its peak" is a more precise and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more colloquial "at an all-time high."
"Flim" -> "Film"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring accuracy and professionalism in the text.
"huge changes" -> "significant changes"
Explanation: "Significant" is more academically appropriate than "huge," which can sound informal and vague.
"had experienced many changes" -> "experienced significant fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experienced significant fluctuations" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.
"Starting with the year 2000" -> "Beginning in 2000"
Explanation: "Beginning in 2000" is a more concise and formal way to introduce the time period discussed.
"leaving others far behind" -> "outpacing the others"
Explanation: "Outpacing the others" is a more precise and formal way to describe the relative position of the film club compared to other clubs.
"lowest in number of member clubs" -> "fewest member clubs"
Explanation: "Fewest" is the correct comparative form for "few," and "member clubs" is redundant, so it can be simplified to "clubs."
"had had a noticeable increase" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and avoids the double negation of "had had," which can be confusing.
"being in second place" -> "ranking second"
Explanation: "Ranking second" is a more formal and precise way to describe the position of the table tennis club.
"roughly the same number of members as in 2000" -> "similar membership numbers to those in 2000"
Explanation: "Similar membership numbers to those in 2000" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "roughly."
"They started to have their first member" -> "They began to attract their first members"
Explanation: "Began to attract their first members" is more precise and formal, indicating the start of membership growth.
"had declined in members" -> "saw a decline in membership"
Explanation: "Saw a decline in membership" is a more formal and precise way to describe the decrease in the number of members.
"lost nearly 20 members" -> "suffered a loss of nearly 20 members"
Explanation: "Suffered a loss of nearly 20 members" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the graph, including the highest and lowest numbers of participants in each activity in 2000 and 2020. It also makes some comparisons between the activities, such as noting that film club was the most popular activity in both years. However, the essay does not fully develop all of the key features of the graph. For example, it does not mention the overall trend in the number of participants in each activity, or the fact that the number of participants in table tennis increased significantly between 2000 and 2020.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in film club remained relatively stable over the period, while the number of participants in table tennis increased significantly. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the number of participants in each activity, such as stating that the number of participants in amateur dramatics decreased by 20 between 2000 and 2020.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression in the narrative. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the logical flow is disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear references. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, leading to some confusion in understanding the relationships between ideas. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, as the ideas within paragraphs do not always connect logically.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for each main point or comparison. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively would help clarify relationships between ideas. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between ideas are smooth will improve the overall progression of the essay. Additionally, avoiding repetition and ensuring accurate referencing will contribute to a more coherent narrative.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "participants," "activities," and "members." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, like "amateur dramatics" and "musical performances," but inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the lowest in number of member clubs" and "table tennis and musical performances club with 26 and no members" are unclear and grammatically incorrect. There are also some spelling errors, such as "Flim" instead of "Film," which affect the overall impression. While the communication is generally clear, these issues prevent the essay from achieving a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly synonyms and more precise terms related to the topic.
Improve Word Choice: Ensure that word choices are accurate and appropriate for the context. For example, replace "the lowest in number of member clubs" with "the clubs with the fewest members."
Check Spelling and Grammar: Proofread the essay to correct spelling mistakes and grammatical errors to avoid confusion.
Use Collocations: Practice using common collocations and phrases that are typical in academic writing, which can enhance fluency and naturalness in expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, such as "Flim" instead of "Film," and "the lowest in number of member clubs are" which could be more clearly expressed. While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. The essay generally conveys the main features of the graph, but the inaccuracies and occasional awkward phrasing indicate that the writer has not fully controlled grammatical structures.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of complex sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are clear and concise would help. Practicing the use of subordinate clauses and varying sentence beginnings can also contribute to a more sophisticated writing style. Finally, paying closer attention to punctuation will improve overall readability.
]

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph shows the number of participants in various activities at a social centre in Melbourne from 2000 to 2020. Overall, the number of film club members reached an all-time high. The film and martial arts clubs were the most stable activities, with no significant changes in the number of members, while other activities experienced considerable fluctuations.

Starting with the year 2000, the film club had the most participants, with around 63 members, leaving others far behind. This was followed by the martial arts club with 36 members and amateur dramatics with 26 participants. The clubs with the lowest number of members were table tennis and musical performances, with 26 and no members, respectively.

By the year 2020, the number of members in each club had changed. The film club remained the largest, with 65 members, slightly higher than in 2000. The table tennis club saw a noticeable increase, securing second place with over 50 members. The number of martial arts participants remained roughly the same as in 2000, with their first member joining in 2005. The musical performances club had about 15 members in 2020. In contrast, the amateur dramatics club experienced a decline in membership, losing nearly 20 members.