The graph below presents the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010. Summarise information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relavant.

The line chart provides information about the proportion of labour force employment in five different categories, surveyed from 1930 to 2010.
Overall, due to the advance of technology, industrial, technical, sales and office sectors developed significantly and created the most jobs respectively. On the contrary, agricultural sector witnessed a plummet, falling from the most popular category to become the least at the end of the period.
Regarding industries, there was no worker in this field in this field until 1940, at around 2% of the total workforce. After stabilizing till 1960, the portion of industrial jobs significantly surged and finally reached 38% in the end of the period, becoming the highest sectors among five surveyed categories. Sharing the same pattern with the aforementioned sector, technical fields only accounted for 2% of the employment in 1930, then it attracted more workers and gradually increase percentage of participants to be the second highest in 2010. Following behind, despite the fluctuation during the period, the American employees engaged in sale and office jobs increased by around 10% in 2010, at 20%, comparing to 10% in 1930.
On the contrary, approximately 75% of the labour force employed in the farming, fishing and foresting in 1930. This sector was predominant for 60 years until replacing by the industrial ones, despite of the dramatic plummet over the years to become the least common, reaching a low of only 5% in 2050. Lastly, the percentage of workers in other services is generally stable at 10% over throughout the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the proportion of labour force employment" -> "the proportion of employment within the labor force"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the relationship between employment and the labor force, enhancing precision and formality.
"due to the advance of technology" -> "as a result of technological advancements"
Explanation: "As a result of" is more formal than "due to," and "technological advancements" is a more precise term that conveys the idea of progress in technology.
"the most popular category" -> "the most prevalent category"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more formal and precise term than "popular," which can imply subjective preference rather than objective occurrence.
"witnessed a plummet" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal verb than "witnessed," and "significant decline" is more precise than "plummet," which is somewhat informal.
"the highest sectors among five surveyed categories" -> "the highest sector among the five categories surveyed"
Explanation: This change corrects the plural form "sectors" to singular "sector" for grammatical accuracy, and reorders the phrase for clarity.
"increase percentage of participants" -> "increased the percentage of participants"
Explanation: The verb "increase" should be in the past tense "increased" to maintain consistency in verb tense throughout the essay.
"Following behind, despite the fluctuation during the period" -> "Subsequently, despite fluctuations during the period"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal transition than "following behind," and "fluctuations" is more precise than "fluctuation."
"engaged in sale and office jobs" -> "employed in sales and office positions"
Explanation: "Employed" is a more formal term than "engaged," and "sales and office positions" is more precise than "sale and office jobs."
"approximately 75% of the labour force employed in the farming, fishing and foresting" -> "approximately 75% of the labor force was employed in agriculture, fishing, and forestry"
Explanation: "Was employed" clarifies the verb tense, and "agriculture" and "forestry" are more precise terms than "farming" and "foresting."
"until replacing by the industrial ones" -> "until it was replaced by the industrial sector"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical structure, making it clearer and more formal.
"despite of the dramatic plummet over the years" -> "despite the dramatic decline over the years"
Explanation: "Despite" does not require "of," and "decline" is a more formal and precise term than "plummet."
"the least common, reaching a low of only 5% in 2050" -> "the least common sector, reaching a low of only 5% by 2050"
Explanation: Adding "sector" clarifies what is being referred to, and "by" is more appropriate than "in" for indicating a future point in time.
"over throughout the period" -> "throughout the period"
Explanation: "Over" is redundant when used with "throughout," so it can be removed for conciseness.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "industrial, technical, sales and office sectors developed significantly and created the most jobs respectively," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the portion of industrial jobs significantly surged and finally reached 38% in the end of the period, becoming the highest sectors among five surveyed categories." This information is not relevant to the task, which is to summarise the main features of the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "the proportion of workers in the industrial sector increased from 2% in 1940 to 38% in 2010, while the proportion of workers in the agricultural sector decreased from 75% in 1930 to 5% in 2010." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details and focusing on the main features of the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the way transitions between ideas are managed. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some paragraphs could be better structured to enhance clarity and flow. The central topics within paragraphs are generally clear, but some sentences could benefit from more precise referencing to improve coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and distinct central idea. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding repetitive phrases will improve the overall cohesion of the essay. More attention to the logical arrangement of ideas and clearer referencing would also contribute to a more coherent response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "plummet," "surged," and "predominant," which shows some awareness of lexical variety. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the highest sectors among five surveyed categories" (should be "the highest sector") and "despite of the dramatic plummet" (should be "despite the dramatic plummet"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "increase percentage of participants" (should be "increased the percentage of participants"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further and ensuring the correct usage of less common lexical items. Practicing synonyms and collocations, as well as proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy, would also be beneficial. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more sophisticated vocabulary can help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. For example, phrases like "the highest sectors among five surveyed categories" and "increase percentage of participants" are not grammatically correct and could confuse the reader. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation and sentence structure, such as "in this field in this field" and "despite of the dramatic plummet," which detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve clarity and coherence.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid run-on sentences and ensure proper sentence boundaries.
Word Choice: Use precise vocabulary and avoid redundancy to enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart provides information about the proportion of the labor force employed in five different categories, surveyed from 1930 to 2010. Overall, due to advancements in technology, the industrial, technical, sales, and office sectors developed significantly and created the most jobs, respectively. In contrast, the agricultural sector witnessed a dramatic decline, falling from the most popular category to become the least favored by the end of the period.

Regarding industries, there were no workers in this field until 1940, when it accounted for around 2% of the total workforce. After stabilizing until 1960, the proportion of industrial jobs surged significantly, ultimately reaching 38% by the end of the period, making it the highest sector among the five surveyed categories. Following a similar pattern, technical fields also accounted for only 2% of employment in 1930, but they attracted more workers over time, gradually increasing their share to become the second highest in 2010. In comparison, despite fluctuations during the period, the number of American employees engaged in sales and office jobs rose by around 10% by 2010, reaching 20%, compared to 10% in 1930.

Conversely, approximately 75% of the labor force was employed in farming, fishing, and forestry in 1930. This sector was predominant for 60 years until it was overtaken by industrial jobs, experiencing a dramatic decline over the years to become the least common, reaching a low of only 5% by 2050. Lastly, the percentage of workers in other services remained generally stable at around 10% throughout the period.