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The graph below presents the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting on the features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below presents the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting on the features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates how the employment rate of the USA workforce in different sectors changed from 1930 to 2010.

Overall,the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors appeared as major occupations.. On the other hand, there was a sharp downward trend in the farming, fishing and foresting sector, falling from by far the dominant sector to the least by the end of the period while the industrial sector became the most popular sector.

To begin with, in 1930, the percentage of people choosing farming, fishing and foresting was the highest (which is about 75%). Nevertheless, for the rest of the period, the trend was not sustained resulting in a significant decrease and stood at 2% in 2010. In the other services sectors, at the beginning of the period,its rate was 15% and went up to 18% in 1940. Additionally in the next 30 years, there was a slight drop of 3% in 1970 before it increased by 2% again in 1980. Afterwards it remained stable at 10% until 2010.

When it comes to the proportion of sales and offices,in 1930, stood at the similar to the other service sectors(15%) but then reduced to about 2% in 1940. The rate of that in the following 20 years suddenly grew to 10%, until it witnessed a drop in 1970. From 1980-2010, the percentage of that continuously went up to exactly 20%. For the industrial sector, there was no interest in it in 1930. Afterwards, there was a modest but consistent growth in 1940,1950 and 1960. Only after 1960 did Americans tend to prefer this kind of job more, so the percentage also had a remarkable surge until 2010, becoming the most popular one. until 2010, which also became the most popular one.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "the line graph illustrates" -> "the line graph depicts"
    Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the formality of the language.

  2. "the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors appeared as major occupations" -> "the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors emerged as dominant sectors"
    Explanation: "Emerged as dominant sectors" is more specific and academically appropriate than "appeared as major occupations," which is vague and less precise.

  3. "by far the dominant sector" -> "the dominant sector"
    Explanation: Removing "by far" simplifies the phrase and maintains the formal tone, as "by far" can be seen as colloquial in academic writing.

  4. "the most popular sector" -> "the leading sector"
    Explanation: "Leading" is a more precise term in academic contexts, indicating dominance or prominence in a field or industry.

  5. "the percentage of people choosing" -> "the proportion of individuals employed in"
    Explanation: "Proportion of individuals employed in" is more specific and formal, avoiding the vague and informal "choosing."

  6. "farming, fishing and foresting" -> "agriculture, fishing, and forestry"
    Explanation: "Agriculture, fishing, and forestry" are the correct terms for the industries, enhancing clarity and formality.

  7. "the trend was not sustained" -> "the trend did not persist"
    Explanation: "Did not persist" is a more formal and precise way to describe the continuation or lack thereof of a trend.

  8. "its rate" -> "its employment rate"
    Explanation: Adding "employment" clarifies what type of rate is being referred to, enhancing precision.

  9. "went up to 18%" -> "increased to 18%"
    Explanation: "Increased to" is a more formal and precise way to describe an upward change in data.

  10. "there was a slight drop of 3%" -> "there was a slight decrease of 3%"
    Explanation: "Decrease" is more commonly used in formal writing to describe a reduction in quantity or amount.

  11. "stood at the similar to" -> "was similar to"
    Explanation: "Was similar to" is grammatically correct and more concise, avoiding the awkward construction of "stood at the similar to."

  12. "in the following 20 years" -> "over the subsequent 20 years"
    Explanation: "Over the subsequent 20 years" is more formal and precise, indicating a period of time that has passed.

  13. "there was no interest in it" -> "there was no significant interest in it"
    Explanation: Adding "significant" clarifies that the lack of interest is notable or substantial, enhancing the precision of the statement.

  14. "there was a modest but consistent growth" -> "there was a steady and moderate growth"
    Explanation: "Steady and moderate" provides a clearer and more formal description of the type of growth, replacing the less precise "modest but consistent."

  15. "Only after 1960 did Americans tend to prefer this kind of job more" -> "Only after 1960 did Americans increasingly prefer this type of employment"
    Explanation: "Increasingly prefer this type of employment" is more formal and specific, improving the academic tone.

  16. "the percentage also had a remarkable surge" -> "the percentage also experienced a significant surge"
    Explanation: "Experienced a significant surge" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "had a remarkable surge."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010. The essay presents information appropriately selected, but the details are sometimes irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the industrial sector became the most popular sector, but the graph shows that the sales and office sector became the most popular sector.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the key features of the graph and providing more accurate information. The essay should also avoid making subjective statements, such as "Americans tend to prefer this kind of job more." Instead, the essay should focus on reporting the data presented in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends and changes in employment sectors, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and inaccuracies. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the main trends being discussed. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that they accurately reflect the relationships between ideas will improve clarity. Organizing the essay into distinct sections for each sector and ensuring a logical flow of information will also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the rate of that" and "there was no interest in it." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "farming, fishing and foresting" which should be "farming, fishing, and forestry." While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in word choice and collocation. This can be achieved by practicing with synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help improve overall clarity and professionalism in writing. Engaging with more complex texts can also expose the writer to varied vocabulary and usage in context.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate. While there are some correct simple sentences, frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the rate of that in the following 20 years suddenly grew" lack clarity and precision. Additionally, the essay contains several run-on sentences and awkward phrasing, which detracts from overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
  2. Focus on Clarity: Aim for clearer phrasing and avoid ambiguous references (e.g., "the rate of that"). Use specific nouns to clarify what "that" refers to.
  3. Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. This will help improve the overall accuracy of the writing.
  4. Practice Complex Structures: Work on constructing complex sentences correctly. This can involve using subordinate clauses effectively and ensuring subject-verb agreement.
  5. Use Transitional Phrases: Enhance coherence by using transitional phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly, which will also help in reducing run-on sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates how the employment rate of the USA workforce in different sectors changed from 1930 to 2010.

Overall, the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors emerged as major occupations. In contrast, there was a sharp downward trend in the farming, fishing, and forestry sector, which fell from being the dominant sector to the least by the end of the period, while the industrial sector became the most popular.

To begin with, in 1930, the percentage of people employed in farming, fishing, and forestry was the highest, at about 75%. Nevertheless, for the rest of the period, this trend was not sustained, resulting in a significant decrease to 2% by 2010. In the other services sector, at the beginning of the period, the employment rate was 15% and rose to 18% in 1940. Additionally, in the next 30 years, there was a slight drop of 3% in 1970 before it increased by 2% again in 1980. Afterward, it remained stable at 10% until 2010.

Regarding the proportion of sales and office jobs, in 1930, it was similar to the other services sector at 15%, but then it reduced to about 2% in 1940. In the following 20 years, this sector suddenly grew to 10%, before experiencing a drop in 1970. From 1980 to 2010, the percentage of employment in this sector continuously increased to exactly 20%. For the industrial sector, there was no interest in it in 1930. However, there was modest but consistent growth in 1940, 1950, and 1960. Only after 1960 did Americans tend to prefer this type of job more, leading to a remarkable surge in percentage until 2010, making it the most popular sector.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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