The graph below shows cinema attendance by age in Great Britain.

The line graph reveals statistics people who go to cinema by different groups age in Great Britain.
It is obviously apparent that group 7-14 age and 15-24 age was the highest group age come to the cinema. However, the group 25-35 age and 35 to over was the lowest group go to the cinema.
From 1984 to 1989, the group 7-14 age increase gradual about roughly 15 per cent. Before the percentage of group 7-14 age was a dramatic growth to just under 40 per cent in ealier than 1999, the proportion of group 7-14 age rose slightly to 30 in 2000. The group 15-24 age was a surge from 1984 to 1999 and reached the peak at 55 per cent in 2000.
The percentage of group 25-35 age went up remarkably to 10 per cent in 1989. From 1989 to ealier than 1999, the group 25-35 age climbed up dramatically to just over 30 per cent before hit the highest point at nearly 30 per cent. From ealier than 1999 onwards, before a considerable decrease of 5 per cent, the group 25-35 age rose gradually to approximately 30 per cent. The percentage of group 35 and over went up slightly to 15 per cent in 2000.

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Errors and Improvements:

"statistics people who go to cinema" -> "cinema attendance statistics by different age groups"
Explanation: "statistics people who go to cinema" is awkward and lacks clarity. "cinema attendance statistics by different age groups" provides a clearer description of the data presented in the graph.
"group age" -> "age group"
Explanation: "group age" is not the standard way to express this concept. "age group" is the correct term to refer to a specific range of ages.
"come to the cinema" -> "attend the cinema"
Explanation: "come to the cinema" is colloquial. "attend the cinema" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for discussing cinema attendance.
"ealier than" -> "prior to"
Explanation: "ealier than" is incorrect and unclear. "prior to" is a more precise phrase to indicate time before a specific point.
"was a dramatic growth to just under 40 per cent" -> "experienced a dramatic increase to just under 40 percent"
Explanation: "was a dramatic growth to" is grammatically incorrect. "experienced a dramatic increase to" is a more accurate and formal expression to describe the rise in percentage.
"rose slightly to 30 in 2000" -> "increased slightly to 30 percent in 2000"
Explanation: "rose slightly to 30 in 2000" lacks clarity and precision. "increased slightly to 30 percent in 2000" provides a clearer description of the change in percentage.
"was a surge from" -> "experienced a surge from"
Explanation: "was a surge from" is awkward phrasing. "experienced a surge from" is a clearer and more concise way to express the increase.
"hit the highest point at nearly 30 per cent" -> "peaked at nearly 30 percent"
Explanation: "hit the highest point at nearly 30 per cent" is redundant. "peaked at nearly 30 percent" conveys the same meaning more succinctly.
"went up slightly to 15 per cent" -> "increased slightly to 15 percent"
Explanation: "went up slightly to" is informal. "increased slightly to" is a more formal and precise way to describe the rise in percentage.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by presenting an overview of cinema attendance by age groups in Great Britain. It provides some key features and trends observed in the graph, such as the highest and lowest attendance age groups, as well as changes in attendance percentages over time for different age categories.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay should focus on presenting information more clearly and accurately. There are issues with grammar and clarity throughout the essay, which affect the overall coherence and precision of the information presented. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach, with clearer transitions between different points and a more systematic presentation of data. Furthermore, providing specific data points and accurately describing trends without unnecessary repetition or inaccuracies would enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents some organization in discussing cinema attendance by age groups but lacks overall progression. There are attempts at using cohesive devices, although they are inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, leading to repetitive language. The essay lacks clear paragraphing, with ideas appearing somewhat jumbled and lacking logical sequencing. Overall, while there is some coherence, there are significant areas for improvement.

How to improve:

Organization and Progression: Ensure a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. Each paragraph should logically follow the previous one, and transitions between ideas should be smoother.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively. This includes pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to link ideas more seamlessly.
Avoid Repetition: Try to avoid repetitive language by using synonyms or restructuring sentences to convey the same idea in a varied manner.
Paragraphing: Clearly separate different ideas into paragraphs to improve readability and logical flow. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the data or analysis.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. While some basic vocabulary related to describing a graph is used, there is a lack of variety and sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, which may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary, particularly by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to describing trends in graphs. Additionally, attention should be paid to spelling and word formation to minimize errors and enhance clarity. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help identify and correct any mistakes. Additionally, reading model essays and academic texts can provide exposure to a wider range of vocabulary and help improve lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of structures, including complex sentences, but these are often less accurate than simple sentences. There is an effort to present a range of ages and their cinema attendance, but the expression lacks clarity due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.

How to improve: Focus on improving sentence structure and grammatical accuracy. Simplify complex sentences to ensure clarity. Pay attention to verb tenses and sentence coherence. Additionally, work on using a wider range of vocabulary to enhance expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates cinema attendance across different age groups in Great Britain.

It is evident that individuals aged 7-14 and 15-24 constituted the highest proportion of cinema-goers, whereas those aged 25-35 and 35 and over comprised the smallest segments of the cinema audience.

Between 1984 and 1989, there was a gradual increase of approximately 15 percent in the 7-14 age group. Subsequently, the proportion of individuals in this age bracket experienced a significant surge, reaching just under 40 percent before slightly decreasing to around 30 percent in 2000. Conversely, the 15-24 age group witnessed a notable rise from 1984 to 1999, peaking at 55 percent in 2000.

The percentage of individuals aged 25-35 saw a remarkable increase to 10 percent in 1989. This age group continued to climb significantly, reaching just over 30 percent by the late 1990s before hitting its peak at nearly 35 percent. Following this peak, there was a gradual decline to approximately 30 percent, with a notable decrease of 5 percent recorded before 2000. Meanwhile, the proportion of individuals aged 35 and over experienced a slight increase to 15 percent in 2000.