The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the average age of men and women in six different countries who retired in 2003.
Overall, on average, the men stay in the workforce longer than the women. Especially, people who live in France retire earliest and the labor of Korea had the highest age of retirement.
In 2003, French men typically worked until 57 years and 4 months, and French women had retired nearly 1 year earlier than them. Next, Japan and Italy had the same age of retirement for men 67 years and 4 months and women were 66 and 9 months. On the other hand, US men worked until 65 years and 6 months old, and women retired virtually 1 year before closely followed by Australia slightly earlier at 64 years and 1 month.
To sum up, Korea’s labor generally entered retirement at 67 years and 2 months old, the oldest among all countries listed. In all countries enumerated in this table, women continually retire before men about 1 year close.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"stay in the workforce" -> "remain in employment"
Explanation: Replacing "stay in the workforce" with "remain in employment" formalizes the expression and uses more precise vocabulary related to labor economics.
"Especially, people who live in France retire earliest" -> "Particularly, individuals residing in France retire the earliest"
Explanation: "Particularly" is a more formal alternative to "Especially," and "individuals residing in" is more precise and formal than "people who live in." Adding "the" before "earliest" corrects the grammar to ensure it reads properly.
"the labor of Korea" -> "the workforce of Korea"
Explanation: "Workforce" is a more commonly accepted term in labor economics and statistics than "labor," which could ambiguously refer to either labor forces or labor as a factor of production.
"had retired nearly 1 year earlier" -> "retired almost one year earlier"
Explanation: "Had retired" suggests a completed action more relevant in a different context; "retired" simplifies tense usage appropriately. "Almost one year earlier" employs a more formal numeral style and improves readability.
"virtually 1 year before" -> "approximately one year prior"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise term than "virtually" in a statistical context, and "one year prior" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"closely followed by" -> "immediately followed by"
Explanation: "Immediately" provides a clearer temporal connection than "closely," which can be vague.
"slightly earlier" -> "marginally sooner"
Explanation: "Marginally sooner" uses more formal adjectives and adverbs, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is a more formal transitional phrase that effectively signals the summary of an essay or report.
"labor generally entered retirement" -> "workforce typically entered retirement"
Explanation: Replacing "labor" with "workforce" aligns with proper labor economics terminology, and "typically" is statistically more precise than "generally."
"women continually retire before men about 1 year close." -> "women consistently retire approximately one year earlier than men."
Explanation: "Consistently" replaces "continually" to better convey repeated behavior over time, and "approximately one year earlier than" is clearer and more formal than "about 1 year close."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the retirement ages of males and females in six countries in 2003. Key features such as the average retirement ages are highlighted, with comparisons made between genders and countries. However, some details are inaccurate or unclear, such as stating that "French women had retired nearly 1 year earlier than them" without specifying the exact age. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly detract from clarity.
How to improve: Provide more precise and accurate details, such as specific retirement ages, and ensure clarity and coherence in language use. Double-check for grammatical accuracy and refine sentence structures for better readability. Ensure that comparisons are explicitly stated and supported by the data presented in the prompt.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents some organization by comparing retirement ages between genders and countries. However, there is a lack of overall progression, as the information is presented somewhat haphazardly. Cohesion is inadequate, with some sentences lacking clear relationships to each other. Paragraphing is also inadequate, with the essay essentially being one long paragraph. There is some use of cohesive devices, but they are not used effectively, leading to repetitive and unclear passages.
How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay should be structured more clearly with a proper introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the data, such as comparing retirement ages between genders or discussing trends across countries. Cohesive devices should be used more effectively to connect ideas and create a smoother flow of information. Additionally, the essay should be divided into paragraphs to improve readability and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It effectively conveys information about retirement ages in six countries, using a variety of terms such as "retired," "workforce," "labor," and "retirement." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of vocabulary. For instance, repetitive use of terms like "retired" and "years" could be substituted with synonyms or more varied expressions to enhance lexical richness.

Attempts are made to use less common vocabulary, such as "enumerated" and "virtually," but some inaccuracies are present, such as "the labor of Korea had the highest age of retirement," which could be more clearly phrased. Additionally, there are errors in word formation, such as "the labor of Korea," where a more suitable phrase like "the workforce in Korea" would be preferable.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and varied terms to convey ideas. Use synonyms and alternative expressions to avoid repetition. Ensure accuracy in word choice and formation, and consider refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Additionally, pay attention to collocation to ensure phrases are appropriately paired for natural-sounding language. Continued exposure to diverse reading materials and practice in writing can aid in expanding lexical proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are instances where the complexity of the sentences leads to inaccuracies, affecting the overall clarity of the essay. For example, the sentence "Especially, people who live in France retire earliest and the labor of Korea had the highest age of retirement" is grammatically awkward and lacks clarity. Additionally, there are frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as tense inconsistencies ("had retired" instead of "retire" and "had the highest age of retirement" instead of "had the highest retirement age"). Punctuation usage is also inconsistent, with missing commas and improper placement of periods. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures with greater clarity. Ensure that complex sentences are constructed accurately to avoid confusion. Review and revise the essay for grammatical errors, paying close attention to verb tense consistency and punctuation usage. Additionally, consider simplifying complex ideas to enhance clarity and coherence in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table illustrates the average retirement age for males and females across six distinct nations in the year 2003. Overall, it is evident that men, on average, tend to remain in the workforce for a longer duration compared to women. Notably, France stands out for having the earliest retirement age, while Korea demonstrates the highest retirement age.

In 2003, French men typically retired at the age of 57 years and 4 months, with French women retiring nearly a year earlier. Similarly, both Japan and Italy reported an identical retirement age for men at 67 years and 4 months, while women retired at 66 years and 9 months. Contrastingly, in the United States, men retired at the age of 65 years and 6 months, with women retiring approximately a year earlier. Australia closely followed this trend, with men retiring at 64 years and 1 month.

Notably, Korea exhibited the highest retirement age, with individuals generally retiring at 67 years and 2 months, making it the oldest among the listed countries. Across all countries presented in the table, women consistently retired approximately one year earlier than men.