The graph below shows the percentage of female students on four different subjects at one university from 1970 to 2015

The line graph below provides several information pertaining to female students on four subject including computer science, physics, medicine and law at one university in the period between 1970 and 2015.
At a glance, there were a significant soar in the percentage of female students on law, physics and medicine from 1970 to 2015. By contrast, this figure for computer science in the same period were approximately equal.
Initially, the period between 1970 and 1990 witnessed a gradual went up in the proportion of female students in both medicine and physics to around 60%. From that time on this figure for medicine has at last plateaued out, while the figure for physics unchanged , after which it went up to over 80% in 2015. There was a slightly grew in the proportion of students on law in the first five years to nearly 10%, a trend which continued into the next thirty years. The period between 2005 and 2010 saw a dropped from under 100 to nearly 90%, but it bounced back to 100% for the last five years.
The figure for computer science unchanged in the first five years then this data reached the highest point in 1990, which was over 70%. No sooner had this proportion fallen to under 60% in 2005 than it still declined to over 30% for the following 10 years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"several information pertaining to" -> "various data regarding"
Explanation: "Several information" is grammatically incorrect; "data" is the appropriate term for plural information. "Pertaining to" can be replaced with "regarding" for a more formal and concise expression.
"a significant soar" -> "a substantial increase"
Explanation: "Soar" is typically used to describe sudden, rapid movements upward, often referring to birds or planes. "Increase" is a more precise term to describe growth over time in this context.
"from 1970 to 2015" -> "between 1970 and 2015"
Explanation: "From…to" implies a specific starting and ending point, while "between…and" denotes a range inclusive of both endpoints, which is more suitable for the context of the years mentioned.
"went up" -> "increase"
Explanation: "Went up" is a colloquial phrase; "increase" is a more formal and precise term for describing upward movement in statistics or data.
"plateaued out" -> "leveled off"
Explanation: "Plateaued out" is less common and more informal; "leveled off" is a more precise and standard term to describe when something stabilizes or reaches a consistent level.
"figure for physics unchanged" -> "percentage of female students in physics remained constant"
Explanation: "Figure for physics unchanged" is awkward; specifying the "percentage of female students in physics remained constant" provides clarity and precision regarding the data.
"there was a slightly grew" -> "there was a slight increase"
Explanation: "Slightly grew" is grammatically incorrect; "a slight increase" is a more appropriate and concise phrase to describe a small rise in percentage.
"saw a dropped" -> "experienced a drop"
Explanation: "Saw a dropped" is incorrect grammar; "experienced a drop" is a more formal and precise phrase for describing a decline in percentage.
"but it bounced back" -> "however, it rebounded"
Explanation: "Bounced back" is somewhat informal; "rebounded" is a more sophisticated term to describe a return to a previous level after a decline.
"unchanged in the first five years" -> "remained constant during the initial five years"
Explanation: "Unchanged in the first five years" is slightly awkward; "remained constant during the initial five years" provides a clearer and more formal description of the stability in the percentage over that period.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in the percentage of female students across four different subjects from 1970 to 2015. Key features such as the increase in female students in law, physics, and medicine, as well as the stagnation in computer science, are clearly presented. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the data representation, such as stating that the percentage for law students dropped from under 100 to nearly 90% between 2005 and 2010, which seems improbable. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the essay, impacting clarity.

How to improve:
To improve, focus on presenting accurate data and ensuring clarity in language use. Double-check the trends and figures presented in the essay for consistency and correctness. Work on grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information on four subjects in a specific period, but the arrangement is somewhat unclear and lacks a coherent progression. The introduction provides a basic outline of the key trends, but there is inconsistency in how information is presented and developed within the body paragraphs. The cohesion between sentences and paragraphs is often inaccurate or repetitive, leading to confusion. The paragraphing is present, but it does not always align with the logical progression of ideas. There are several cohesive devices used, but some are used incorrectly or are awkward, impacting the flow of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider the following steps:

Structure the essay more logically: Organize information in a clear, logical sequence. For example, discuss trends chronologically or by subject, rather than shifting back and forth.
Use cohesive devices accurately: Employ cohesive devices such as transitions, conjunctions, and pronouns correctly to connect ideas. Be careful with overuse or repetitive use, which can lead to confusion.
Enhance paragraphing: Use paragraphs effectively by grouping related ideas together and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. This will create a clearer progression and improve overall coherence.
Clarify sentence structure: Improve clarity by refining sentence structures and using appropriate vocabulary. This will help maintain cohesion and ensure that ideas are logically connected.
Revise and proofread: After writing, review the essay to identify areas where coherence or cohesion could be improved. This can help correct errors and refine the logical flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variation in word choice and expression. The candidate attempts to convey information using a mix of vocabulary related to academic subjects and statistical analysis. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, collocation, and grammatical accuracy, which hinder clarity and precision. For example, "a significant soar" should be "a significant increase" or "a notable rise," and "the period between 1970 and 1990 witnessed a gradual went up" should be "the period between 1970 and 1990 witnessed a gradual increase." Additionally, there are several instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the figure for physics unchanged" and "there was a slightly grew," which detract from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

Expand vocabulary: Aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including synonyms and more precise terms to convey ideas.
Improve accuracy: Pay close attention to word choice, collocation, and grammatical accuracy to avoid errors that affect clarity and precision.
Enhance coherence: Work on structuring sentences and paragraphs more effectively to improve the flow and readability of the essay.
Practice writing: Regular practice with varied prompts and feedback can help refine language skills and improve overall performance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, with attempts to use a variety of sentence forms. There are some errors in grammar, punctuation, and word choice throughout the essay.
How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using more varied sentence structures, such as complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional sentences. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice to ensure clarity and accuracy in conveying ideas. Review punctuation rules and use them appropriately to enhance readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the fluctuating percentages of female students across four academic disciplines—computer science, physics, medicine, and law—at a single university between 1970 and 2015.

Upon initial inspection, it is evident that there was a substantial increase in the proportion of female students in the fields of law, physics, and medicine over the specified period. In contrast, the percentage of female students in computer science remained relatively constant.

Beginning in 1970, there was a gradual upward trend in the percentage of female students in both medicine and physics, reaching approximately 60% by 1990. Subsequently, while the proportion of female students in medicine reached a plateau, remaining stable thereafter, the percentage in physics continued to rise, surpassing 80% by 2015. In the realm of law, there was a modest increase in the first five years, reaching nearly 10%, with this trend persisting for the subsequent thirty years. However, there was a slight decline between 2005 and 2010, followed by a resurgence to 100% in the final five years.

Conversely, the proportion of female students in computer science remained unchanged for the initial five years before peaking in 1990 at over 70%. However, this percentage experienced a decline, dropping below 60% by 2005 and further decreasing to just over 30% over the ensuing decade.