The graph below shows the percentage of population in cities since the 1970s with a projection to 2030.

The line graph illustrates the anticipation of the population in 5 distinct countries in 60 periods from 1970 to 2030
Overall, there was an increase in the population of 4 countries over 7 periods given. Also noteworthy is the fact that the urban populations of the USA and Korea are significantly higher than in other countries.
In 1970, the percentage of urban population in the USA took the lead at 70%, after which it experienced a steady rise to 80% in 1980 before being expected at the end of the period at 90%, and becoming the most populous country. Moreover, a similar pattern can be seen in the figures for the people of Korea, which predicted a considerable growth from 40% to nearly 90% over 60 years.
In 1970, just 20% of the population came from India, followed by a stabilization in 1990, and a projection of rise to over 35% in 2030. Additionally, the population of China remains unchanged at over 20% in the first 20 years, with anticipation to rise considerably to roughly 65% at the end of period

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates the anticipation of the population" -> "The line graph depicts the projected population figures"
Explanation: "Anticipation" is vague and incorrectly used here. "Projected population figures" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, as it accurately describes the data presented in the graph.
"in 5 distinct countries in 60 periods from 1970 to 2030" -> "in five countries over a 60-year period from 1970 to 2030"
Explanation: "In 5 distinct countries in 60 periods" is awkward and unclear. "Over a 60-year period" is more natural and precise, improving the clarity and formality of the sentence.
"there was an increase in the population of 4 countries over 7 periods given" -> "the population of four countries increased over seven periods"
Explanation: "There was an increase in the population of 4 countries over 7 periods given" is wordy and awkward. Simplifying it to "the population of four countries increased over seven periods" streamlines the sentence and maintains formality.
"Also noteworthy is the fact that the urban populations of the USA and Korea are significantly higher than in other countries." -> "Notably, the urban populations of the USA and Korea exceed those of other countries."
Explanation: "Also noteworthy is the fact that" is verbose and can be simplified to "Notably," which is more direct and formal. Additionally, "exceed" is more precise than "are significantly higher than."
"the percentage of urban population in the USA took the lead" -> "the urban population percentage in the USA led"
Explanation: "The percentage of urban population" is redundant. "The urban population percentage" is more concise and direct, and "led" is a more formal verb choice than "took the lead."
"before being expected at the end of the period at 90%" -> "before reaching 90% by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Being expected at the end of the period at 90%" is awkward and unclear. "Reaching 90% by the end of the period" is clearer and more direct.
"a similar pattern can be seen in the figures for the people of Korea" -> "a similar trend is evident in the Korean population figures"
Explanation: "The figures for the people of Korea" is awkward and informal. "The Korean population figures" is more precise and formal.
"predicted a considerable growth from 40% to nearly 90%" -> "projected a substantial increase from 40% to nearly 90%"
Explanation: "Predicted a considerable growth" is less formal and slightly vague. "Projected a substantial increase" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"the population of China remains unchanged at over 20% in the first 20 years" -> "the Chinese population remained at around 20% for the first 20 years"
Explanation: "Remains unchanged" is too simplistic and informal. "Remained at around 20%" is more precise and formal, and "Chinese population" is more specific than "population of China."
"with anticipation to rise considerably to roughly 65% at the end of period" -> "with a projected increase to approximately 65% by the end of the period"
Explanation: "With anticipation to rise considerably to roughly 65%" is awkward and unclear. "With a projected increase to approximately 65% by the end of the period" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features. For example, the essay states that "the population of China remains unchanged at over 20% in the first 20 years," but it does not mention that the population of China is expected to rise considerably to roughly 65% at the end of the period.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also focus on key features rather than details. For example, the essay could state that "the population of China is expected to rise considerably from 20% in 1970 to roughly 65% in 2030." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "a steady rise," the essay could say "a gradual increase."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while the use of cohesive devices is evident, there are instances where cohesion between sentences is mechanical or somewhat faulty, leading to a lack of fluidity in some areas. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped or transitioned to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from more varied and effective use of cohesive devices, ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother. Additionally, improving the logical grouping of ideas within paragraphs would enhance the overall coherence. More attention to the clarity of referencing and substitution would also help to avoid repetition and strengthen the organization of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "anticipation," "stabilization," and "projected," but there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and phrasing (e.g., "the anticipation of the population" could be better expressed as "the projected population growth"). There are also some errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "the most populous country" is misleading in context, as it refers to the USA rather than the population growth). While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. This includes refining word choice to better convey precise meanings and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, minimizing errors in spelling and word formation will help improve clarity. Practicing with more complex sentence structures and integrating a variety of lexical items can also elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical range is limited. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the anticipation of the population in 5 distinct countries in 60 periods," which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, phrases like "the most populous country" are misleading in the context of the graph, as the essay discusses urban populations rather than total populations. These errors do not severely hinder communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and accuracy of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their grammatical range by incorporating more complex sentence structures accurately. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors would enhance clarity. Using precise language and ensuring that statements accurately reflect the data presented in the graph will also improve the essay’s effectiveness. Finally, varying sentence beginnings and structures can help to create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the anticipated changes in the urban population percentages of five distinct countries over a period spanning from 1970 to 2030.

Overall, there was an increase in the urban population of four countries over the seven periods provided. It is also noteworthy that the urban populations of the USA and Korea are significantly higher than those of the other countries.

In 1970, the percentage of the urban population in the USA led at 70%, after which it experienced a steady rise to 80% in 1980, with projections indicating a further increase to 90% by the end of the period, making it the most populous country. A similar pattern can be observed in the figures for Korea, which is predicted to experience considerable growth from 40% to nearly 90% over the 60 years.

In contrast, in 1970, only 20% of the population in India was urban, followed by a stabilization in 1990, with projections indicating a rise to over 35% by 2030. Additionally, the urban population of China remained unchanged at over 20% during the first 20 years, with expectations of a significant increase to roughly 65% by the end of the period.