The graph gives information about computer possession by households in one European country between 1997 and 2011.

The line graph below demonstrated the computer ownership of unspecific Eruope country from 1997 to 2011. Overall, computer ownership developed significantly during this period, but also there was the decrease of the household with none-computer. Beside that, single-computer ownership was predominant category throughout.

To begin with this period, in 1997, computer ownership is widely uncommon in this European country, with roughly 45% of households having one computer and just over 5% of them owning two computers. However, this trend was currently changed immediately and markedly just over the next 6 years in 2003, with the suitability to adopt a computer so that the household with none-computer decreased substantially, falling from around 50% down to 35%, while approximately 15% had two computers.

Over the next eight years, from 2003 to 2011, single-computer households just remained relatively stable at around 45%. Therefore, the percentage of households without computers continued to fall, from about 35% to 25%. This continued to happen with the ownership of multiple computers, with owning two computers rising nearly 30%, while owning three or more computers accounted for almost 10%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph below demonstrated" -> "The line graph below illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "demonstrated" in this context, as it correctly conveys the presentation of data through a visual representation.
"unspecific Eruope country" -> "an unspecified European country"
Explanation: "Unspecified" is more accurate than "unspecific" in this context, and "European" should be capitalized as it refers to a geographical region.
"computer ownership developed significantly" -> "computer ownership significantly increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is more specific and appropriate in this context, as it directly describes the upward trend in ownership.
"there was the decrease of the household with none-computer" -> "there was a decrease in the number of households without computers"
Explanation: "Decrease of the household with none-computer" is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and maintains formal tone.
"Beside that, single-computer ownership was predominant category throughout" -> "Furthermore, single-computer ownership remained the predominant category throughout"
Explanation: "Beside that" is informal and vague; "Furthermore" is more appropriate for academic writing. Also, "was predominant category" should be "remained the predominant category" for grammatical correctness.
"this period, in 1997" -> "in 1997"
Explanation: The phrase "this period" is redundant when referring to the same time frame already mentioned.
"computer ownership is widely uncommon" -> "computer ownership was relatively rare"
Explanation: "Is widely uncommon" is awkward and incorrect; "was relatively rare" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"this trend was currently changed" -> "this trend changed"
Explanation: "Was currently changed" is redundant; "changed" is sufficient and more direct.
"immediately and markedly" -> "rapidly and significantly"
Explanation: "Immediately and markedly" is less formal and somewhat vague; "rapidly and significantly" are more precise and formal.
"the suitability to adopt a computer" -> "the adoption of computers"
Explanation: "The suitability to adopt a computer" is awkward and unclear; "the adoption of computers" is straightforward and appropriate.
"household with none-computer" -> "households without computers"
Explanation: "Household with none-computer" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "households without computers" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"just remained relatively stable at around 45%" -> "remained relatively stable at approximately 45%"
Explanation: "Just remained" is informal and can be replaced with "remained" for formality. "Around" is less precise than "approximately," which is preferred in academic writing.
"This continued to happen" -> "This trend continued"
Explanation: "This continued to happen" is informal and vague; "This trend continued" is more concise and formal.
"owning two computers rising nearly 30%" -> "the proportion of households owning two computers increased by nearly 30%"
Explanation: "Rising nearly 30%" is informal and unclear; "increased by nearly 30%" is more precise and formal.
"owning three or more computers accounted for almost 10%" -> "the proportion of households owning three or more computers was nearly 10%"
Explanation: "Accounted for almost 10%" is less formal and less precise; "was nearly 10%" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in computer ownership. The essay focuses on details rather than providing a clear overview of the main trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in computer ownership. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features of the data, rather than simply recounting details. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of households with no computers decreased significantly between 1997 and 2011, while the percentage of households with two or more computers increased. The essay could also highlight the fact that single-computer ownership was the predominant category throughout the period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to outline trends in computer ownership, the structure is somewhat disjointed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the logical flow of ideas. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. For example, phrases like "this trend was currently changed immediately" are awkward and disrupt coherence. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between ideas are not smooth, which detracts from the overall clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using clearer topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs. Employing a wider range of cohesive devices effectively, while avoiding redundancy, will help create a more seamless reading experience. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences within the paragraph relate directly to that topic will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the general trends of the graph, the vocabulary used is often basic and repetitive, such as "computer ownership," "households," and "decreased." There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "unspecific Eruope country" (should be "unspecified European country") and "none-computer" (should be "no computer"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message clearly.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items and synonyms to avoid repetition. Additionally, improving spelling and ensuring correct word formation will help in conveying the message more clearly. The writer could also benefit from using more precise language to describe trends and changes in the data, which would demonstrate greater flexibility and control over vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy, leading to grammatical errors that can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the decrease of the household with none-computer" and "the suitability to adopt a computer" are awkwardly constructed and contain errors. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation and agreement, such as "single-computer ownership was predominant category" which should include an article ("the predominant category"). Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the frequent errors and limited range of structures hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with appropriate conjunctions and clauses. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and ensuring correct article usage would improve clarity. Practicing writing with a focus on accuracy and complexity, as well as seeking feedback on drafts, could also help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph below illustrates computer ownership among households in an unspecified European country from 1997 to 2011. Overall, computer ownership increased significantly during this period, while there was also a decrease in the number of households without a computer. Additionally, single-computer ownership was the predominant category throughout.

At the beginning of this period, in 1997, computer ownership was relatively uncommon in this European country, with approximately 45% of households having one computer and just over 5% owning two computers. However, this trend changed markedly over the next six years, by 2003, as the adoption of computers became more widespread. Consequently, the percentage of households without a computer decreased substantially, falling from around 50% to 35%, while approximately 15% of households had two computers.

Over the next eight years, from 2003 to 2011, the proportion of single-computer households remained relatively stable at around 45%. Meanwhile, the percentage of households without computers continued to decline, from about 35% to 25%. This trend also applied to multiple computer ownership, with the number of households owning two computers rising to nearly 30%, while those with three or more computers accounted for almost 10%.