The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The line graph depicts information on the yearly income of three bakery shops in Calgary ,over a period of 10 years,start in from 2000 to 2010.
A glance at the graphs reveals that Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery swiftly upward trend through time,same time but Mari Bakeshop substantially downward trend and it was then surpassed by Amandine Bakery anh Bolo Cakery.
It is explicitly observed that the yearly income of Mari Bakery starts reach a peak at 80000$ in 2000.It fluctuated for 4 years and reached 90000$ in 2004.It plummetted to reach around 40000$ in 2008.Mari Bakeshop remained unchanged for 2 years and it decreased to hit the lowest point at 40000$ in 2010,becoming the least yearly income bakeries.
It could be noticed that,the yearly income Amandine Bakery started at 20000$ in 2000 and it remained stable until 2005. Then, Amandine Bakery increased to just under $60,000 and it surpassed Mari Bakeshop in 2006.It continue to rocketted at $100,000 in 2008. Final , it gradually increased to around $105,000 ending the period in 2010,becoming the most yearly income bakeries.Similar to the pattern of Amandine Bakery,Bolo Cakery started to 20000$ in 2000 and it grew speedily to reach around 40000$ in 2003.After wards,Bolo Cakery leveled off at 40000$ for 3 years.And then it upsure significantly to hit the highest point at 65000$ in 2010.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The line graph depicts information on the yearly income of three bakery shops in Calgary,over a period of 10 years,start in from 2000 to 2010." -> "The line graph presents the annual income of three bakery shops in Calgary over a 10-year period, starting from 2000 to 2010."
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The revised version corrects the punctuation and uses more formal language, improving readability and accuracy.

2. "A glance at the graphs reveals that Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery swiftly upward trend through time,same time but Mari Bakeshop substantially downward trend and it was then surpassed by Amandine Bakery anh Bolo Cakery." -> "An examination of the graphs shows that Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery exhibit an upward trend over time, while Mari Bakeshop displays a downward trend, which was subsequently surpassed by Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery."
   Explanation: The original sentence contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise language, enhancing clarity and formality.

3. "It is explicitly observed that the yearly income of Mari Bakery starts reach a peak at 80000$ in 2000." -> "It is evident that the annual income of Mari Bakery peaked at $80,000 in 2000."
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the grammar and uses a more formal tone.

4. "It fluctuated for 4 years and reached 90000$ in 2004.It plummetted to reach around 40000$ in 2008." -> "It fluctuated for four years, reaching $90,000 in 2004, before plummeting to around $40,000 in 2008."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks punctuation and uses informal spacing. The revision corrects these issues and improves readability and formality.

5. "Mari Bakeshop remained unchanged for 2 years and it decreased to hit the lowest point at 40000$ in 2010,becoming the least yearly income bakeries." -> "Mari Bakeshop remained unchanged for two years before decreasing to its lowest point, $40,000 in 2010, becoming the bakery with the lowest annual income."
   Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased and lacks clarity. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

6. "It could be noticed that,the yearly income Amandine Bakery started at 20000$ in 2000 and it remained stable until 2005." -> "It is notable that Amandine Bakery’s annual income began at $20,000 in 2000 and remained stable until 2005."
   Explanation: The original sentence uses an informal construction and lacks proper punctuation. The revision corrects these issues and enhances formality.

7. "Then, Amandine Bakery increased to just under $60,000 and it surpassed Mari Bakeshop in 2006.It continue to rocketted at $100,000 in 2008." -> "Subsequently, Amandine Bakery increased to just under $60,000 and surpassed Mari Bakeshop in 2006, and it continued to rise to $100,000 in 2008."
   Explanation: The original sentence contains errors in verb tense and form. The revision corrects these errors and improves the flow of the sentence.

8. "Final, it gradually increased to around $105,000 ending the period in 2010,becoming the most yearly income bakeries." -> "Finally, it gradually increased to around $105,000, ending the period in 2010, and becoming the bakery with the highest annual income."
   Explanation: The original sentence contains a grammatical error and informal language. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise and formal language.

9. "Similar to the pattern of Amandine Bakery,Bolo Cakery started to 20000$ in 2000 and it grew speedily to reach around 40000$ in 2003.After wards,Bolo Cakery leveled off at 40000$ for 3 years.And then it upsure significantly to hit the highest point at 65000$ in 2010." -> "Similarly, Bolo Cakery began at $20,000 in 2000 and grew rapidly to around $40,000 in 2003. It then remained stable at $40,000 for three years before surging significantly to reach its highest point of $65,000 in 2010."
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and uses informal language. The revision corrects these issues and enhances clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is recounted mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents key features/bullet points, but it inadequately covers them. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that Mari Bakeshop had the highest earnings in 2000, but its earnings declined steadily over the next 10 years. The essay could also state that Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery both had a significant increase in earnings over the 10-year period. The essay should also avoid focusing on details and instead focus on presenting the main features of the data. For example, instead of stating that Mari Bakeshop’s earnings fluctuated for 4 years, the essay could simply state that Mari Bakeshop’s earnings declined steadily over the 10-year period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the trends in the data, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the writing. Additionally, there are issues with paragraphing; the essay does not effectively separate different ideas into distinct paragraphs, which further detracts from coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each with a central topic. Improving the use of cohesive devices, such as referencing and substitution, will help to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that the progression of information is logical and clearly linked will strengthen the overall structure of the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and clarity will also improve the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the graph, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "upward trend" and "downward trend," which could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors (e.g., "rocketted," "upsure," "bakeries") are present and may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message. Overall, while the essay communicates the general idea, the lexical resource is insufficient to achieve a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions, particularly those that are more precise and appropriate for the context. Practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated phrases can help avoid repetition. Furthermore, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors will improve clarity and coherence. Engaging with more complex texts can also help in acquiring a richer vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are several instances of grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("start in from 2000"), punctuation issues (missing commas and incorrect spacing), and awkward phrasing ("the least yearly income bakeries"), these errors do not completely obscure meaning. However, the frequent grammatical inaccuracies and the overall lack of variety in sentence structures hinder clarity and coherence, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 5.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring accuracy in verb forms and punctuation. Additionally, improving coherence by using linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively would enhance the overall quality of the essay. Proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing can also help in achieving a clearer and more polished piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph depicts information on the yearly income of three bakery shops in Calgary over a period of 10 years, starting from 2000 to 2010.

A glance at the graph reveals that Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery experienced a swift upward trend over time, while Mari Bakeshop showed a substantial downward trend, ultimately being surpassed by both Amandine Bakery and Bolo Cakery.

It is clearly observed that the yearly income of Mari Bakeshop peaked at $80,000 in 2000. It fluctuated for four years, reaching $90,000 in 2004, but then plummeted to around $40,000 in 2008. Mari Bakeshop remained unchanged for two years before decreasing further to hit the lowest point at $40,000 in 2010, becoming the bakery with the least yearly income.

Notably, Amandine Bakery started with an income of $20,000 in 2000 and remained stable until 2005. Subsequently, Amandine Bakery increased to just under $60,000 and surpassed Mari Bakeshop in 2006. It continued to rocket to $100,000 in 2008. Finally, it gradually increased to around $105,000 by the end of the period in 2010, becoming the bakery with the highest yearly income. Similarly, Bolo Cakery began at $20,000 in 2000 and grew rapidly to reach around $40,000 in 2003. Afterward, Bolo Cakery leveled off at $40,000 for three years before surging significantly to hit the highest point at $65,000 in 2010.