The graph shows data about the average Saturday sales of two bakeries in London in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows data about the average Saturday sales of two bakeries in London in 2010.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The provided column chart illustrates the average Saturday purchases of two pastry kitchens, namely Lovely Loaves and Bernie's Buns in London in the year 2010. Overall, items sold in Bernie's Buns experienced higher sales than in Lovely Loaves, except for fresh loaves and salads. Additionally, doughnuts are also a best-selling product in both stores.
As previously indicated, doughnuts are both stores' most-purchased products, with 135 for Bernie's Buns and 120 for Lovely Loaves. A comparable disparity was observed between selling fresh loaves, where 40 for Bernie's Buns and 50 for Lovely Loaves. Similarly, the most modest gap was seen in toasted sandwiches, with 23 of Bernie's Buns compared to 22 of Lovely Loaves.
In contrast, there was a significant discrepancy in sales of cakes, cookies, rolls, salads, and crisps between the two stores. Burnie's Buns sold 119 cookies, 50 more than that of Lovely Loaves. That also means, the difference between cookie sales is the highest difference between items. Likewise, approximately 25 is the difference between the sales of cakes, rolls and crisps of the two stores, in favor of Bernie's Buns. The item salads was more favored in Lovely Loaves, 200 items were sold, three time as big as the figure for Bernie's Buns. Salad also became the dish that attracted the least customers at Bernie's Buns.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided column chart" -> "The given column chart"
Explanation: "Given" is more formal and precise than "provided" in academic writing, which enhances the tone of the introduction.
"pastry kitchens" -> "bakeries"
Explanation: "Pastry kitchens" is an unusual term; "bakeries" is the standard term used in formal contexts to refer to businesses that sell baked goods.
"items sold" -> "products sold"
Explanation: "Products" is a more specific and formal term than "items" in the context of commercial transactions.
"doughnuts are also a best-selling product" -> "doughnuts are also the best-selling product"
Explanation: Using "the" before "best-selling product" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the statement.
"As previously indicated" -> "As previously shown"
Explanation: "Shown" is more appropriate in academic writing to refer to visual data, such as charts, compared to "indicated."
"most-purchased products" -> "most popular products"
Explanation: "Most popular" is more commonly used in formal writing to describe products with high demand or sales, compared to "most-purchased."
"comparable disparity" -> "similar disparity"
Explanation: "Similar" is more precise and academically appropriate than "comparable" in this context, as it directly compares the differences.
"the most modest gap" -> "the smallest gap"
Explanation: "Smallest" is more direct and formal than "most modest," which can imply a negative connotation.
"Burnie’s Buns" -> "Bernie’s Buns"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "Burnie’s" to "Bernie’s" to maintain accuracy.
"That also means, the difference" -> "This also indicates that the difference"
Explanation: "This also indicates that" is a more formal and clear way to introduce a consequence or implication.
"Likewise" -> "Similarly"
Explanation: "Similarly" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing compared to "Likewise."
"approximately 25 is the difference" -> "a difference of approximately 25"
Explanation: "A difference of approximately 25" is grammatically correct and clearer than "approximately 25 is the difference."
"The item salads" -> "the salads"
Explanation: "The item salads" is awkward and incorrect; "the salads" is the correct form.
"three time as big" -> "three times as large"
Explanation: "Three times as large" is the correct idiomatic expression, and "large" is more formal than "big."
"Salad also became the dish that attracted the least customers" -> "Salads were the least popular item"
Explanation: "Salads were the least popular item" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the awkward construction of "attracted the least customers."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the graph, including the overall trend of higher sales in Bernie’s Buns and the specific items that were most popular in each bakery. The essay also makes comparisons between the two bakeries, highlighting the differences in sales for each item. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the difference between cookie sales is the highest difference between items, but this is not accurate. The difference between cake sales is actually the highest.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in sales between the two bakeries. For example, the essay could state that Bernie’s Buns sold 50 more cookies than Lovely Loaves, or that Lovely Loaves sold three times as many salads as Bernie’s Buns. The essay could also be improved by providing a more accurate overview of the main features of the graph. For example, the essay could state that Bernie’s Buns had higher sales for all items except fresh loaves and salads.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The main features of the data are summarized, and comparisons are made between the two bakeries. However, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as repetitive phrases and awkward transitions, which detract from the overall flow. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat effective, but there are moments where referencing could be clearer, particularly in the comparison of sales figures. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will strengthen the organization of the essay. Finally, avoiding repetition and varying sentence structures can help create a more engaging and fluid reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, effectively conveying the main features of the data presented. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "discrepancy" and "modest gap," but inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present (e.g., "the item salads was more favored" should be "the item salads were more favored"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "Burnie’s Buns" should be "Bernie’s Buns," and "three time as big" should be "three times as large"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accurate word choice and collocation. They should also pay attention to grammatical structures, particularly subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Reducing spelling errors and improving the precision of language used will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. There are several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, such as "the difference between cookie sales is the highest difference between items," which could be more clearly expressed. While the meaning is generally conveyed, these errors occasionally hinder clarity. The essay does attempt to use a variety of structures, but the inaccuracies and some awkward phrasing suggest that the control of grammar and punctuation is not fully effective.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Error Correction: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure.
Variety in Sentence Structure: Incorporate more complex sentences while ensuring accuracy. Using subordinate clauses effectively can improve the overall quality.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid confusion and enhance readability.
Clarity and Cohesion: Aim for clearer expressions of comparisons and data points to improve coherence in reporting the information.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided column chart illustrates the average Saturday purchases of two bakeries, namely Lovely Loaves and Bernie’s Buns, in London in the year 2010. Overall, sales at Bernie’s Buns were higher than those at Lovely Loaves, except for fresh loaves and salads. Additionally, doughnuts were the best-selling product in both stores.

As previously indicated, doughnuts were the most-purchased items at both stores, with 135 sold at Bernie’s Buns and 120 at Lovely Loaves. A comparable disparity was observed in the sales of fresh loaves, with 40 sold at Bernie’s Buns compared to 50 at Lovely Loaves. Similarly, the smallest gap was seen in toasted sandwiches, with 23 sold at Bernie’s Buns compared to 22 at Lovely Loaves.

In contrast, there was a significant discrepancy in the sales of cakes, cookies, rolls, salads, and crisps between the two stores. Bernie’s Buns sold 119 cookies, which is 50 more than the amount sold at Lovely Loaves. This indicates that the difference in cookie sales is the largest among the items. Likewise, there was approximately a 25-unit difference in the sales of cakes, rolls, and crisps, all in favor of Bernie’s Buns. The item salads were more favored at Lovely Loaves, where 200 items were sold, three times the figure for Bernie’s Buns. Salads also attracted the fewest customers at Bernie’s Buns.