The graph shows information about the number of people in Australia who use Chinese, Arabic, Italian and Greek as their first language.

The graph shows how many Australians used Chinese, Arabic, Italian and Greek as their first language from 1986 to 2011.
Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of people using Chinese and Arabic while the opposite was true for those speaking Greek and Italian. In addition, the year 1996 marked the point when the data of those using Chinese became the highest onwards.
In 1986, the number of Australian people used Greek as their mother tongue headed the list, at roughly 230000, distantly followed by those using Italian and Chinese , at 150 000 and 100 000. Meanwhile, there was only 50 000 people spoke Arabic, making it the smallest data in this year. Thereafter, by 2011 ,the figures for those using Greek and Italian decreased gradually to appoximately 170 000 and 100 000 in that order.
By contrast, the increase in the number of people using Chinese was remarkable, reaching the highest point of 350 000 in 2011. To a lesser extent, the data of those using Arabic only reached 150 000 in the final year , matching Italian’s initial figure.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"used Chinese, Arabic, Italian and Greek" -> "spoke Chinese, Arabic, Italian, and Greek"
Explanation: "Spoke" is a more precise verb for indicating language usage, aligning better with the context of the graph, which discusses language use as a mother tongue or primary language.
"Overall, there was an upward trend" -> "Overall, there was a general upward trend"
Explanation: Adding "general" clarifies that the trend is not absolute but rather a general tendency, which is more accurate in academic writing.
"the opposite was true for those speaking Greek and Italian" -> "the opposite was true for those whose primary language was Greek and Italian"
Explanation: Adding "whose primary language was" specifies the subject more clearly, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement.
"the data of those using Chinese became the highest onwards" -> "the number of those speaking Chinese reached its highest point thereafter"
Explanation: "Reached its highest point thereafter" is more specific and academically appropriate, avoiding the vague and informal "became the highest onwards."
"the number of Australian people used Greek as their mother tongue headed the list" -> "the number of Australians using Greek as their mother tongue led the list"
Explanation: "Led the list" is a more formal expression than "headed the list," and "Australians" is the correct noun form.
"distantly followed by those using Italian and Chinese" -> "followed closely by those using Italian and Chinese"
Explanation: "Followed closely" is a more precise and formal way to describe the proximity of the numbers, replacing the less formal "distantly."
"there was only 50 000 people spoke Arabic" -> "there were only 50,000 people who spoke Arabic"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error and adding "who" for clarity and correctness, as well as using commas for numerical values above 100.
"the figures for those using Greek and Italian decreased gradually" -> "the numbers of those speaking Greek and Italian decreased gradually"
Explanation: "Numbers" is more specific and formal than "figures," and "speaking" is more precise than "using" in this context.
"appoximately" -> "approximately"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to "approximately."
"the data of those using Arabic only reached 150 000 in the final year" -> "the number of those speaking Arabic reached 150,000 in the final year"
Explanation: Similar to earlier corrections, "number" is more specific and "speaking" is more precise than "using."
"matching Italian’s initial figure" -> "matching the initial figure for Italian"
Explanation: Adding "the" clarifies that "initial figure" refers to the earlier mentioned data, enhancing clarity and formality.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the graph. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of people using Arabic as their first language reached 150,000 in 2011, which is inaccurate. The graph shows that the number of people using Arabic as their first language was approximately 120,000 in 2011.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the data in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the trends in the data. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why the number of people using Chinese as their first language increased so dramatically.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:

The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion.
Cohesive devices are used effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, the phrase "In addition, the year 1996 marked the point when the data of those using Chinese became the highest onwards" could be more smoothly integrated.
There are some issues with referencing and substitution, such as "the data of those using Chinese" which could be more clearly stated.
Paragraphing is used, but not always logically. The transition between discussing Greek and Italian to Chinese and Arabic could be more clearly delineated.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more smoothly. For example, instead of "In addition," consider using "Furthermore" or "Moreover" to add variety.
Improve Referencing: Be more precise with references. Instead of "the data of those using Chinese," you could say "the number of people using Chinese as their first language."
Logical Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and transitions smoothly to the next. For example, separate the discussion of trends for Greek and Italian from the discussion of trends for Chinese and Arabic to improve clarity.
Avoid Mechanical Cohesion: Make sure that cohesive devices are used naturally and not in a forced manner. For instance, rephrase sentences to ensure that the flow of information is smooth and logical.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of Australian people used Greek as their mother tongue headed the list," which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "appoximately" instead of "approximately." While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise and varied word choices. Paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct spelling and word formation will also help improve clarity. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items in context can further elevate the sophistication of the language used in the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation (e.g., "the number of Australian people used Greek" should be "the number of Australians using Greek"), these errors do not significantly impede communication. The essay presents a clear overview of the data and trends, but the inaccuracies in grammar and occasional awkward phrasing detract from its overall effectiveness.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding their range of sentence structures. This can be done by practicing complex sentence formations and ensuring that subject-verb agreements and tense usage are correct. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation and clarity will help reduce errors and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph shows how many Australians used Chinese, Arabic, Italian, and Greek as their first language from 1986 to 2011. Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of people using Chinese and Arabic, while the opposite was true for those speaking Greek and Italian. Additionally, the year 1996 marked the point when the number of people using Chinese became the highest onward.

In 1986, the number of Australians who spoke Greek as their mother tongue led the list, at roughly 230,000, followed at a distance by those using Italian and Chinese, at 150,000 and 100,000, respectively. Meanwhile, only 50,000 people spoke Arabic, making it the smallest figure for that year. By 2011, the figures for those using Greek and Italian had gradually decreased to approximately 170,000 and 100,000, in that order.

In contrast, the increase in the number of people using Chinese was remarkable, reaching a peak of 350,000 in 2011. To a lesser extent, the number of Arabic speakers rose to 150,000 in the final year, matching Italian’s initial figure.