The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were
employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and
reporting the main features make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150
words.

The given graphs compare the proportion of males and females in the 60-to-64 age group, who were employed in four separate nations between 1970 and 2000.

Overall, there are much more men than women joining the workforce in this age range. It is also seen that the percentage of employed males witnessed an upward trend over the period, while that of their female counterparts experienced the opposite.

In 1970, there were 74% of Japanese males aged from 60 to 64 who were employed, taking the highest position compared to just 19% of Belgium which came last in this regard. The second place was the USA with more than half of its men in this age group being in the labor force, closely followed by Australia with 47%. In the next 30 years, the figure for Japan increased by 12% to remain atop with 86%. The three decades also saw the dramatic rise in the figure for Belgium, which rose nearly four times to reach 79%. Additionally, the percentage of employed men in the US rose to 73%, compared to 76% of Australia.

Regarding the percentage of employed women aged from 60 to 64, Japan had the highest figure in this regard, respectively 40% in 1970 and 43% in 2000. The figure for the USA was 38% in the first year, which fell slightly to 36% in the final year. As for the last two countries, the figures were 18% and 7%, in turn, for Australia and Belgium in 1970. In 2000, the figure of Australia reached 16%, which was double that of Belgium of just 8%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given graphs" -> "The provided graphs"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise in an academic context than "given," which can sound somewhat casual.
"there are much more men than women" -> "there were significantly more men than women"
Explanation: "Significantly more" is a more precise and formal way to express the extent of the difference, avoiding the informal "much more."
"It is also seen that" -> "It is also evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more formal synonym for "seen," aligning better with academic writing standards.
"the percentage of employed males witnessed an upward trend" -> "the proportion of employed males exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more specific and academically appropriate than "percentage" in this context, referring to the ratio of employed males to the total.
"that of their female counterparts experienced the opposite" -> "that of their female counterparts experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Decline" is more specific and accurate than "the opposite," which is vague and informal.
"taking the highest position" -> "holding the highest proportion"
Explanation: "Holding the highest proportion" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic analysis of data.
"came last in this regard" -> "ranked lowest in this regard"
Explanation: "Ranked lowest" is a more formal and precise term than "came last," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the dramatic rise" -> "a significant increase"
Explanation: "A significant increase" is more formal and less sensational than "the dramatic rise," which can be seen as overly emotive for academic writing.
"rose nearly four times" -> "increased by nearly 400%"
Explanation: "Increased by nearly 400%" provides a precise numerical representation, enhancing clarity and formality.
"respectively 40% in 1970 and 43% in 2000" -> "respectively 40% in 1970 and 43% in 2000"
Explanation: This is a typographical error correction; the word "respectively" should be followed by commas to separate the items being compared.
"fell slightly to 36% in the final year" -> "decreased to 36% by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Decreased to 36% by the end of the period" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "fell slightly."
"double that of Belgium of just 8%" -> "twice that of Belgium, which was 8%"
Explanation: "Twice that of Belgium, which was 8%" is more formal and avoids the informal construction "double that of."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the data, including the overall trend of higher employment rates for men than women and the increase in employment rates for men and decrease for women. The essay also presents key features, such as the highest and lowest employment rates for men and women in each year. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of employed men in the US rose to 73% in 2000, but the graph shows that it rose to 73% in 1970.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the increase in employment rates for men and the decrease in employment rates for women. The essay could also provide more specific comparisons between the countries. For example, the essay could compare the changes in employment rates for men and women in Japan to the changes in employment rates for men and women in Belgium.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the overall structure is coherent. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in the transition between ideas. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, but some sentences could benefit from more varied linking phrases to enhance flow.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could improve its cohesion by varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother. Additionally, enhancing the clarity of referencing (e.g., using "this" or "these" more effectively) would strengthen the connection between ideas. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph not only presents a central topic but also develops it with more detailed analysis or comparison would contribute to a more sophisticated structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information presented in the graphs. The use of terms such as "proportion," "upward trend," and "dramatic rise" indicates an awareness of more complex vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the highest position" which could be better expressed as "the highest percentage." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "in this regard" which is somewhat repetitive and could be varied for better lexical resource. Overall, while the vocabulary is adequate, it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary and phrases, particularly those that convey comparisons and trends more effectively. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, focusing on precise word choices and ensuring correct collocations will strengthen the overall quality of the vocabulary used. Engaging with more complex lexical items and ensuring their accurate application will also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences. The grammatical control is generally good, with only a few minor errors present. For instance, phrases like "the percentage of employed males witnessed an upward trend" and "the dramatic rise in the figure for Belgium" show a good command of complex sentence forms. However, there are some grammatical inaccuracies, such as "the percentage of employed men in the US rose to 73%, compared to 76% of Australia," which could be clearer if rephrased. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7 due to its good range of grammatical structures and the presence of some errors that do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for minor errors and ensuring clarity in sentence structure. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sentence types and ensuring that complex sentences are consistently accurate would strengthen the overall grammatical range. Practicing with more complex grammatical structures and seeking feedback on their use can also help improve performance in this area.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given graphs compare the proportion of males and females in the 60-to-64 age group who were employed in four separate nations between 1970 and 2000.

Overall, there were significantly more men than women participating in the workforce in this age range. It is also evident that the percentage of employed males exhibited an upward trend over the period, while that of their female counterparts experienced the opposite.

In 1970, 74% of Japanese males aged 60 to 64 were employed, securing the highest position compared to just 19% of Belgian men, who ranked last in this regard. The USA held the second position, with more than half of its men in this age group participating in the labor force, closely followed by Australia at 47%. Over the next 30 years, the figure for Japan increased by 12%, allowing it to remain at the top with 86%. During the same period, Belgium saw a dramatic rise, with its figure nearly quadrupling to reach 79%. Additionally, the percentage of employed men in the USA rose to 73%, compared to 76% in Australia.

Regarding the percentage of employed women aged 60 to 64, Japan had the highest figure, at 40% in 1970 and 43% in 2000. The figure for the USA was 38% in the first year, which fell slightly to 36% in the final year. As for the last two countries, the figures were 18% and 7%, respectively, for Australia and Belgium in 1970. By 2000, the figure for Australia reached 16%, which was double that of Belgium, at just 8%.