The graphs show the changes in the UK industry steel between 1970 and 2000. (million tonnes vs thousand)

The two charts provide a demand for steel and the amount of people who work in industrial company in terms of steel over a 30-year period.

By and large, While the trend of total demand and production of the UK saw a gradual decrease, but the figure for import showed a slight rise between the years 1970 and 2000, staff’s Uk had the same pattern with total demand.

In 1970, the total demand was around 200 million tonnes, standing at the highest proportion. The figure shows that Uk production and imports stood at approximately 160 and 20 million tonnes respectively. Over the following 20 years, While average total demand and Uk manufacture dropped to 110 million tonnes for the former and just under 100 million tonnes for the latter. By 2000, Uk production and import had touch each other by around 55 million tonnes and Total demand had remained steadily to 100 million tonnes.

With regard to the number of people working in Uk steel industry, in 1970 there were roughly about 50 thousand people who worked on. In the next 20 years, the average staff fell down to 20 thousand people which had a similar trend compared to total demand for steel. Over the following 10 years, there was a slight decline for steel’s staff ( just under 20 thousand people ).

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"provide a demand for" -> "depict the demand for"
Explanation: The verb "provide" generally means to supply or make available, which is not fitting in this context. "Depict" more accurately conveys that the charts represent or show the demand for steel.
"the amount of people" -> "the number of people"
Explanation: When referring to countable items, such as people, "number" is the correct term. "Amount" is used for uncountable quantities.
"industrial company in terms of steel" -> "steel industry"
Explanation: The phrase "industrial company in terms of steel" is unclear and verbose. Using "steel industry" simplifies and clarifies the reference specifically to the sector involved.
"By and large, While" -> "Generally, while"
Explanation: "By and large" is a somewhat informal phrase that may sound out of place in formal writing. "Generally" is more appropriate and maintains the formal tone of the analysis.
"but the figure for import showed" -> "the figures for imports showed"
Explanation: The conjunction "but" is redundant after "while" and should be removed for grammatical correctness. "Import" should be plural "imports" to maintain consistency with earlier usage of plural forms in the text.
"staff’s Uk" -> "the UK staff"
Explanation: "staff’s Uk" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The UK staff" correctly places the possessive pronoun and specifies the staff belonging to the UK.
"touch each other" -> "converge"
Explanation: The phrase "touch each other" is informal and imprecise in this context. "Converge" is more appropriate as it specifically means to move towards one point and meet, which is what is being described.
"remained steadily to" -> "remained steady at"
Explanation: "Remained steadily to" is grammatically incorrect. The correct expression should be "remained steady at," indicating a consistent level.
"there were roughly about" -> "there were approximately"
Explanation: "Roughly" and "about" are redundant when used together. "Approximately" is a single word that conveys the intended meaning more succinctly and formally.
"fell down to" -> "decreased to"
Explanation: "Fell down to" is colloquial and somewhat informal. "Decreased to" is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.
"had a similar trend compared to" -> "followed a similar trend to"
Explanation: "Had a similar trend compared to" is awkwardly phrased. "Followed a similar trend to" is more fluent and direct, improving the readability of the sentence.
"for steel’s staff" -> "for the steel industry’s workforce"
Explanation: "Steel’s staff" is possessive and awkwardly phrased. "The steel industry’s workforce" provides a clearer and more formal reference to the group of people employed in the steel industry.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the changes in the UK steel industry between 1970 and 2000. It presents information on total demand, production, imports, and the number of people employed in the industry. Key features such as trends in demand, production, and employment are highlighted, although some details are inaccurate or unclear, such as the mention of "the figure for import showed a slight rise" when import figures are not provided in the essay. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and inconsistencies in expression that slightly detract from clarity.
How to improve: To improve, ensure accurate data representation and clarity of expression. Provide specific figures for imports to support statements accurately. Additionally, revise grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence. Avoid vague phrases like "the figure for import showed a slight rise" and strive for precision in language use.

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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a somewhat coherent manner, with an attempt at organizing ideas. The overall progression is discernible, particularly in describing the changes over the specified time frame. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, such as unclear transitions. While some cohesive devices are used effectively, there are also instances of mechanical usage, and referencing could be clearer. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some ideas are clustered together without clear breaks.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use cohesive devices more effectively to establish logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure consistent referencing and avoid repetitive phrasing. Pay attention to logical paragraph organization, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a clear central topic and flows logically from one to the next.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation:
The vocabulary in this essay is adequate for conveying the general meaning, but there are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that create confusion and require the reader to interpret the intended meaning. The essay shows limited use of vocabulary and often relies on repetitive or simplistic terms. There are grammatical errors and awkward expressions, which suggest that the writer has not achieved full control over lexical choices.

How to improve:
To improve your lexical resource score, focus on the following:

Expanding Vocabulary: Use a broader range of vocabulary. Read widely and keep a list of new words. Try using synonyms for common words to avoid repetition.
Correcting Word Choice and Collocation: Pay attention to context and choose words that fit naturally. Understand how words are used together (collocations), and avoid awkward combinations.
Improving Spelling and Word Formation: Review common spelling and word formation rules. Practice writing and proofreading to identify and correct errors.
Avoiding Redundancy and Repetition: Be concise and avoid repeating words and phrases unnecessarily.
Reading and Analyzing High-Band Essays: Study essays that have scored high in the IELTS to understand how vocabulary is used effectively in different contexts. This will help you gain a better sense of appropriate word choice and collocations.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There are instances of complex sentences, such as "By and large, while the trend of total demand and production of the UK saw a gradual decrease, but the figure for import showed a slight rise between the years 1970 and 2000," although it could benefit from more consistent use throughout. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation that slightly affect communication but don’t impede overall understanding. For example, "With regard to the number of people working in Uk steel industry, in 1970 there were roughly about 50 thousand people who worked on" contains grammatical errors that impact clarity.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. Work on refining grammar and punctuation to reduce errors that could affect clarity. Consider proofreading for coherence and cohesion to ensure the essay flows smoothly and effectively communicates ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts depict changes in the UK steel industry from 1970 to 2000, measured in million tonnes for demand and production and in thousand for the number of employees.

Overall, there was a gradual decline in both total demand and production of steel in the UK over the specified period, whereas imports experienced a slight increase. Similarly, the number of employees in the UK steel industry followed a comparable trend to total demand.

In 1970, total demand reached its peak at approximately 200 million tonnes. UK production and imports were approximately 160 million tonnes and 20 million tonnes, respectively. Over the subsequent two decades, both total demand and UK production declined to around 110 million tonnes and just under 100 million tonnes, respectively. By 2000, UK production and imports converged at around 55 million tonnes each, while total demand remained stable at 100 million tonnes.

Regarding employment in the UK steel industry, there were approximately 50 thousand employees in 1970. Over the next 20 years, this figure decreased to an average of 20 thousand, mirroring the trend observed in total steel demand. Subsequently, there was a slight further decline in the number of steel industry employees, reaching just under 20 thousand by the end of the period.