The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment.
What are the causes of this?
What can be done to solve this problem?

In this contemporary era, there is an ongoing pressing issue regarding the increasing production of consumer goods which deteriorates the natural ecosystem. This following essay will explore two primary reasons behind this phenomenon and present several feasible measures to tackle this problem.
To begin with, the first and foremost cause of this is gas emission and chemical disposal originating from the manufacturing process. For instance, to lower the costs for waste treatment, some factories dispose of untreated chemicals into the atmosphere and water, thereby contributing to the air degradation and water contamination, negatively impacting marine and terrestrial animals as well as the health of the overall ecosystem. In addition, the emergence of single-use and non-biodegradable products poses an excessive further burden on the natural environment since these detrimental materials take thousands of years to decompose.
To confront the adverse influence of the proliferation of consumerism, not only should governments take action, but consumers also hold a responsibility. First, enforcing stringent regulations and heavy taxes on production lines may compel companies modify their treating process and utilize eco-friendlier materials, thus curbing the environmental degradation. Second, users constitute a significant role in mitigating the negative effect of consumer goods. For instance, should they raise their consciousness of preserving the living environment, they may be probably reluctant to consume these products which are eco-unfriendly or wrapped by plastic materials, leading to the decline in the amount of plastic rubbish, ultimately creating the green favorable places worth living.
In conclusion, the emission of harmful gas and chemicals is attributed to the deterioration of living habitat, along with the prevalence of unsustainable goods. Hence, to alleviate the pessimistic impact on the nature of consumerism, while authorities should impose strict laws on production lines, all individuals should lower their frequency use of non-biodegradable things.

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Errors and Improvements:

"ongoing pressing issue" -> "persistent challenge"
Explanation: Replacing "ongoing pressing issue" with "persistent challenge" adds a more formal and nuanced tone, emphasizing the long-term nature of the problem.
"phenomenon" -> "issue"
Explanation: The term "phenomenon" may be too broad and less specific. Using "issue" provides a clearer and more direct description of the problem at hand.
"For instance" -> "For example"
Explanation: While "For instance" is not necessarily incorrect, "For example" is slightly more formal and commonly used in academic writing.
"lower the costs for waste treatment" -> "reduce expenses associated with waste treatment"
Explanation: The phrase "lower the costs for waste treatment" can be refined to "reduce expenses associated with waste treatment" for a more precise and formal expression.
"dispose of untreated chemicals" -> "release untreated chemicals"
Explanation: "Dispose of" might sound too casual. Using "release untreated chemicals" maintains formality and accurately describes the environmental impact of the manufacturing process.
"contribute to the air degradation" -> "contribute to air pollution"
Explanation: "Air degradation" is less common in academic writing. "Contribute to air pollution" is a more standard and precise phrase.
"burden on the natural environment" -> "stress on the natural environment"
Explanation: While "burden" is not incorrect, "stress" is a slightly more formal term commonly used in environmental discussions.
"these detrimental materials" -> "these harmful materials"
Explanation: The term "detrimental" can be replaced with "harmful" for a more straightforward and formal expression.
"should governments take action" -> "should governments take decisive action"
Explanation: Adding "decisive" emphasizes the need for strong and effective governmental actions, contributing to a more assertive tone.
"may be probably reluctant" -> "may be less inclined"
Explanation: "May be probably reluctant" is a bit redundant. Replacing it with "may be less inclined" maintains the meaning while improving clarity.
"eco-unfriendly" -> "environmentally unfriendly"
Explanation: "Eco" is often considered informal. Using "environmentally unfriendly" maintains formality in discussing ecological concerns.
"wrapped by plastic materials" -> "encased in plastic"
Explanation: "Wrapped by plastic materials" can be simplified to "encased in plastic" for a more concise and formal expression.
"pessimistic impact on the nature of consumerism" -> "negative impact on the environment caused by consumerism"
Explanation: "Pessimistic impact on the nature of consumerism" is vague. Clarifying it as the "negative impact on the environment caused by consumerism" provides a more precise description.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the question. It identifies two primary causes of environmental damage due to the increase in consumer goods production: gas emission and chemical disposal from manufacturing processes, and the prevalence of single-use and non-biodegradable products. The essay also proposes measures involving both governmental regulations and individual responsibility.
- How to improve: The coverage is comprehensive, but to enhance, the essay could provide more specific examples and elaborate on the potential impact of the suggested solutions. This would add depth and specificity to the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position by acknowledging the environmental issues associated with the increase in consumer goods production and advocating for a dual approach involving governmental regulations and individual responsibility.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the position, the essay could use stronger and more assertive language to emphasize the urgency of the problem and the effectiveness of the proposed solutions.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents its ideas coherently, with well-organized paragraphs and supporting examples. It explains the causes of environmental damage in detail and supports the proposed solutions with logical reasoning.
- How to improve: While the essay is generally strong, it could benefit from providing additional examples or real-world instances to illustrate the impact of consumer goods production on the environment, making the content more vivid and convincing.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing the causes and solutions related to the increase in consumer goods production and its impact on the environment.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, the essay could avoid general statements and provide more specific details about the types of consumer goods or industries that contribute most to environmental damage. This would add precision and depth to the analysis.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear position throughout, presenting and supporting ideas coherently, and staying on topic. To improve, it could include more specific examples, use stronger language to emphasize key points, provide additional illustrative instances, and offer more precision in discussing the types of consumer goods causing environmental damage. Overall, it demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and provides thoughtful insights.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with a clear introduction, presents causes in one paragraph, solutions in another, and concludes effectively. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. For example, the discussion on the causes could delve into more details and examples to strengthen the arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider expanding on supporting details within each paragraph. Provide more examples or evidence to bolster your points, creating a more comprehensive and cohesive argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize ideas, with a clear separation between the causes and solutions. However, some paragraphs lack depth and could be more developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the causes of environmental damage is concise and could benefit from more elaboration and examples.
- How to improve: Develop each paragraph by adding specific examples or details. This will not only enhance the overall coherence but also provide a more thorough exploration of the essay’s main points.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes use of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas and create coherence. However, there is a tendency to rely on basic transitional phrases, and the variety could be improved for a more sophisticated connection between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Aim to diversify the use of cohesive devices. Instead of repetitive phrases like "To begin with" and "In conclusion," explore a broader range of linking words and transitions. This will contribute to a smoother flow and a more polished writing style.

In summary, while the essay effectively organizes information and uses paragraphs, there is a need for greater depth in the development of ideas within paragraphs. Additionally, diversifying the use of cohesive devices can elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. Focus on providing more examples, details, and varied transitional phrases to enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating terms like "proliferation," "detrimental," "eco-friendlier," and "sustainable goods." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, especially in expressing ideas more vividly.
- How to improve: Consider incorporating more varied synonyms and exploring different ways to express ideas. For instance, instead of frequently using "environmental degradation," experiment with alternative phrases such as "ecological decline" or "natural deterioration" to add richness to your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, particularly in describing the causes of environmental damage due to chemical disposal and the impact of single-use products. However, there are instances where language could be more precise, such as using more specific terms when discussing "strict laws" or "heavy taxes."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider specifying the nature of the "strict laws" and providing concrete examples of what "heavy taxes" might entail. Clarity and specificity will strengthen your arguments and make your points more convincing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors or typos are present, such as "treating process" instead of "treatment process."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay before submission. Consider reading it aloud or using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked errors. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing can significantly improve spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences. For instance, the writer effectively uses complex sentences like, "For instance, to lower the costs for waste treatment, some factories dispose of untreated chemicals into the atmosphere and water, thereby contributing to air degradation and water contamination." However, there is room for improvement as some sentences are quite lengthy, and a more judicious mix of sentence lengths could enhance readability.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of short and long sentences for better rhythm and clarity. Additionally, pay attention to sentence length to avoid overly complex structures that may hinder comprehension.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with well-constructed sentences. However, there are some instances where articles are omitted, such as "the air degradation" and "the water contamination." Additionally, there are a few minor punctuation errors, like the unnecessary comma in "eco-unfriendly or wrapped by plastic materials."
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to articles and ensure their correct usage. For example, it should be "air degradation" and "water contamination." Regarding punctuation, revise sentences for proper comma usage, such as in the phrase "eco-unfriendly or wrapped by plastic materials." It should be "eco-unfriendly or wrapped in plastic materials." Proofread carefully to catch such errors.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures with room for slight improvements in sentence variety and precision in grammar and punctuation. It effectively addresses the prompt with well-organized ideas, contributing to its overall band score of 7.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this modern era, a persistent challenge revolves around the escalating production of consumer goods, causing harm to the natural environment. This essay will examine two primary reasons behind this issue and propose practical measures to address it.

To start with, a significant cause is the emission of gases and the disposal of chemicals during the manufacturing process. For example, in an effort to reduce expenses associated with waste treatment, certain factories release untreated chemicals into the atmosphere and water. This contributes to air pollution and water contamination, negatively impacting marine and terrestrial animals, as well as the overall health of the ecosystem. Additionally, the proliferation of single-use and non-biodegradable products puts an extra burden on the environment. These harmful materials take thousands of years to decompose, stressing the natural environment.

To tackle the negative impact of consumerism, decisive action is required from both governments and consumers. Firstly, governments should implement stringent regulations and impose heavy taxes on production lines. This may compel companies to modify their treatment processes and adopt eco-friendlier materials, thereby reducing environmental degradation. Secondly, consumers play a significant role in mitigating the adverse effects of consumer goods. For instance, if individuals raise their awareness of preserving the environment, they may be less inclined to consume environmentally unfriendly products or those encased in plastic. This shift in consumer behavior can lead to a decrease in the amount of plastic waste, ultimately creating more environmentally friendly living spaces.

In conclusion, the emission of harmful gases and chemicals during manufacturing processes, coupled with the prevalence of unsustainable goods, contributes to the deterioration of the living habitat. To alleviate the pessimistic impact of consumerism on nature, governments should enforce strict laws on production lines, and individuals should reduce their use of non-biodegradable items.