The line chart shows average attendance at the cinema among various age groups in the US from 2000 to 2011.

The graph illustrates how many US people of different age brackets came to the cinema on average between 2000 and 2011
Overall, there were increases in the percentage of moviegoers of all groups. Additionally, while those aged 15-24 went to the movies consistently by far most often, the figures for people who were over 35 years old were the lowest throughout the period. It is important to note that the older people got, the less frequently they went to the cinema.
Looking first at categories with contrasting changes, in 2000, about 15% of the 15-24 age group watched movies in the cinema, slightly more than other age brackets, with a subsequent considerable increase to just under 35% in 2004. After which, there was significant fluctuation in the range from around 32% to 55% in the average cinema attendence, before ending the period at 52%, which was approximately twice as much as the figures for 7-14 and 25-35 age categories and fourfolds the share of over 35-year-olds. By contrast, the proportion of people being more than 35 years old was much lower, with only 2% of them enjoying the movies in the cinema at the beginning of the period. The figure remained relatively stable until 2004, and then it experienced a gradual rise, reaching its peak of about 14% in the final year.
Turning next to age groups whose patterns almost mirrored each other, the children from 7-14 age group watched movies in cinema at 10% in 2000. Then a significant fluctuation was seen in the percentage of youngsters aged 7-14 coming to the movies, surging to hit a high of approximately 38% in around 2010, before ending the period with a sharp decline to 30% in 2011. Similar changes with a much considerable increase were seen in the figure for people falling into the 25-35 age bracket. Starting the period at slightly under 5%, the 24-35-year-olds’ interest towards the movies significantly grew, surpassing the figure for the former for a small period of time. And then this number continued varying, intersected with the 7-14 age categories twice, and reach a final at an identical 30% figure with the former age bracket.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"came to the cinema" -> "attended cinemas"
Explanation: Replacing "came to the cinema" with "attended cinemas" provides a more formal and varied expression, avoiding repetitive language and adding sophistication to the description of movie attendance.
"moviegoers" -> "film enthusiasts"
Explanation: Substituting "moviegoers" with "film enthusiasts" introduces a more refined and diverse term, elevating the vocabulary and conveying a deeper appreciation for cinema.
"considerably" -> "substantially"
Explanation: Replacing "considerably" with "substantially" enhances the precision of the language, offering a more advanced synonym that conveys a significant increase with greater specificity.
"frequent" -> "regular"
Explanation: Changing "frequent" to "regular" provides a more nuanced and sophisticated way to describe the frequency of cinema attendance, contributing to a more polished narrative.
"figures" -> "percentages"
Explanation: Substituting "figures" with "percentages" adds specificity to the description, providing a more accurate representation of the data being discussed and improving the overall clarity of the statement.
"fourfolds" -> "quadruples"
Explanation: Replacing "fourfolds" with "quadruples" introduces a more precise and advanced term, enhancing the academic tone and clarity of the sentence.
"at the beginning of the period" -> "initially"
Explanation: Changing "at the beginning of the period" to "initially" streamlines the expression, offering a more concise and sophisticated way to indicate the starting point of the observed timeframe.
"Turning next to" -> "Moving on to"
Explanation: Substituting "Turning next to" with "Moving on to" maintains the flow of the narrative while introducing a more formal transition between different aspects of the data analysis.
"surging to hit a high" -> "peaking"
Explanation: Replacing "surging to hit a high" with "peaking" provides a more concise and precise term, contributing to a more polished description of the increase in movie attendance.
"varying, intersected with" -> "fluctuating, intersecting with"
Explanation: Changing "varying, intersected with" to "fluctuating, intersecting with" adds clarity and specificity, offering a more detailed account of the changes in the data and improving overall coherence.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay provides a generally clear and coherent response to the task, covering the main trends in average cinema attendance among different age groups from 2000 to 2011 in the US. It presents a detailed overview of the data and compares the trends between age categories. The essay appropriately highlights key features, such as the consistent attendance of the 15-24 age group, the contrasting changes in the 15-24 and over 35 age groups, and the similar patterns in the 7-14 and 25-35 age groups.

How to improve:
To achieve a higher band score, consider enhancing the development of the response by providing more specific details and examples. Additionally, ensure that the language used is consistently precise and accurate. The essay could benefit from a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Focus on maintaining a formal tone and avoiding informal expressions. Furthermore, pay attention to sentence structure and grammatical accuracy for a polished presentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The overall organization is clear, with a logical progression of ideas. The writer uses cohesive devices effectively, aiding in the flow of information. Paragraphing is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

However, there are instances where sentence-level cohesion could be improved. For example, in the sentence "Overall, there were increases in the percentage of moviegoers of all groups," the reference to specific age groups could have been clearer for enhanced cohesion.

There’s also room for improvement in terms of sentence variety and complexity, which can contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive presentation of ideas.

How to improve:

Ensure clarity in referencing specific age groups throughout the essay to enhance coherence.
Work on sentence-level cohesion by refining the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions between ideas.
Aim for greater sentence variety and complexity to elevate the overall writing style and cohesion.

Note: While the essay effectively presents information and maintains a clear overall progression, addressing these improvement areas would help elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the essay is generally coherent with minimal errors in word choice and spelling. The writer effectively communicates the information about cinema attendance among different age groups in the US from 2000 to 2011. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "average cinema attendance" instead of "average cinema attendance rate." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, like "reach a final at an identical 30% figure."

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choices and ensuring precise collocation. Avoid awkward phrasing by expressing ideas more concisely. For instance, replace "reach a final at an identical 30% figure" with "concluding at a consistent 30%." Proofreading for minor errors in word choice and spelling will contribute to a more polished and accurate essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures and attempts complex constructions to present information about different age groups’ cinema attendance. The writer effectively uses different age categories to discuss the trends and compares them, employing a mix of sentence forms to convey information clearly. The essay maintains mostly accurate grammar and punctuation throughout, with occasional errors that do not hinder overall communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the score further, strive for greater precision in complex sentence structures. There are moments where sentence complexity slightly impedes clarity, particularly in the paragraph discussing the age groups whose patterns mirrored each other. Additionally, refining the accuracy and coherence of complex constructions would elevate the essay’s overall grammatical range and accuracy score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart depicts the average attendance at cinemas across different age groups in the United States from 2000 to 2011.

Overall, there was a notable increase in the percentage of moviegoers across all age brackets. Notably, individuals aged 15-24 consistently had the highest cinema attendance, while those aged over 35 exhibited the lowest attendance throughout the period, indicating a decline with increasing age.

Examining categories with distinct changes, in 2000, approximately 15% of the 15-24 age group frequented cinemas, surpassing other age brackets. Subsequently, there was a substantial surge to just under 35% in 2004. Following this peak, attendance fluctuated between approximately 32% and 55%, concluding the period at 52%. This final figure was roughly double that of the 7-14 and 25-35 age categories and four times greater than the attendance of those over 35. In contrast, individuals over 35 showed a markedly lower attendance, starting at 2% in 2000. This figure remained relatively stable until 2004, experiencing a gradual rise, reaching approximately 14% in 2011.

Turning attention to age groups with similar patterns, the 7-14 age group started at 10% attendance in 2000, with significant fluctuations reaching a peak of approximately 38% in 2010 before sharply declining to 30% in 2011. Parallel changes, albeit with a more substantial increase, were observed in the 25-35 age bracket. Starting just below 5%, cinema attendance for the 25-35 age group surpassed that of the 7-14 age group briefly, intersecting twice, and eventually ending at an identical 30% in 2011.