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The line graph below provides information about the incomes of four restaurants in a city in 2010.

The line graph below provides information about the incomes of four restaurants in a city in 2010.

The line graph expresses the amount of money earned by four different restaurants in a city in 2010.
Overall, it can be seen that the revenue of Spicy Fortune saw a downward trend throughout the year, while the opposite was true for other restaurants. In addition, the amount of money earned by Spicy Fortune was the highest, whilst Delicacy had the lowest income.
In the first six months, both Delicacy and Spicy Fortune saw fluctuations at around 30 and 160 thousand dollars, respectively. Also, the profit of Spicy Fortune was nearly five times as much as that of Delicacy. However, there was a slightly increase in the Spicy Fortune’s income before falling to a low point of approximately 50 thousand dollars in the last month of the year, while Delicacy’s revenue witnessed a gradual growth and peaked at 120 thousand in December, which was nearly double Spicy Fortune’s one at the same time.
The amount of money earned by Evening Paradise increased steadily from 50 to 100 thousand dollars between January and July, while Grand Fiesta’s profit declined to nearly equal Evening Paradise’s figure in June (around 80 thousand dollars). In the second half of the period, a gradual growth of approximately 60 thousand dollars was maintained in the Grand Fiesta’s income, whereas the revenue of Evening paradise saw a plummet to 60 thousand in September, before being the highest in the last month.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "The line graph expresses" -> "The line graph illustrates"
    Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "expresses" in the context of presenting data in a graph, emphasizing the visual representation of information.

  2. "amount of money earned" -> "revenue"
    Explanation: "Revenue" is a more specific and formal term than "amount of money earned," which is more commonly used in business and financial contexts.

  3. "saw a downward trend" -> "experienced a decline"
    Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is a more formal and precise way to describe a change in data over time, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  4. "the opposite was true for other restaurants" -> "the opposite trend was observed in the other restaurants"
    Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies that the trend is being discussed, making the statement more specific and formal.

  5. "the amount of money earned by Spicy Fortune was the highest" -> "Spicy Fortune recorded the highest revenue"
    Explanation: "Recorded the highest revenue" is a more concise and formal way to state that Spicy Fortune had the highest earnings.

  6. "whilst Delicacy had the lowest income" -> "while Delicacy recorded the lowest revenue"
    Explanation: Similar to the previous suggestion, "recorded the lowest revenue" is more formal and precise than "had the lowest income."

  7. "fluctuations at around 30 and 160 thousand dollars" -> "fluctuations of approximately 30,000 and 160,000 dollars"
    Explanation: Adding "approximately" and commas for clarity improves the numerical expression, aligning with academic standards for presenting data.

  8. "there was a slightly increase" -> "there was a slight increase"
    Explanation: "Slight" is the correct form of "slightly" when used as an adjective, enhancing grammatical accuracy.

  9. "Spicy Fortune’s income" -> "Spicy Fortune’s revenue"
    Explanation: Consistency in using "revenue" instead of "income" maintains a formal tone and avoids confusion.

  10. "nearly double Spicy Fortune’s one" -> "nearly double that of Spicy Fortune"
    Explanation: "That of Spicy Fortune" is more formal and precise than "Spicy Fortune’s one," aligning better with academic style.

  11. "The amount of money earned by Evening Paradise increased steadily" -> "Evening Paradise’s revenue increased steadily"
    Explanation: Again, using "revenue" instead of "the amount of money earned" and "Evening Paradise’s" instead of "the amount of money earned by Evening Paradise" streamlines the sentence and enhances formality.

  12. "declined to nearly equal Evening Paradise’s figure" -> "declined to nearly match Evening Paradise’s figure"
    Explanation: "Match" is a more precise term than "equal" in this context, suggesting a close approximation rather than an exact equivalence.

  13. "a gradual growth of approximately 60 thousand dollars" -> "a gradual increase of approximately 60,000 dollars"
    Explanation: "Increase" is more specific than "growth" in the context of financial data, and the comma is added for clarity and readability.

  14. "plummet to 60 thousand in September" -> "dropped to 60,000 in September"
    Explanation: "Dropped" is a more precise verb for describing a sudden decrease in financial data, and the comma is added for clarity.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and style of the essay to better align with academic standards, enhancing precision, formality, and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, such as the highest and lowest income, and the general trends of each restaurant. However, some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that Spicy Fortune’s income was nearly five times as much as Delicacy’s in the first six months, but this is not accurate based on the data. Additionally, the essay uses the term "profit" instead of "income" in some instances, which is not accurate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends and features of the data, and by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details. The writer should also ensure that they use the correct terminology throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively summarizes the main trends observed in the graph, and there is a logical flow from one point to the next. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where referencing could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the profit of Spicy Fortune" could be better clarified with a reference to the specific time period being discussed. Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical organization, particularly in separating distinct ideas or trends more clearly.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay could benefit from more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices. For instance, using synonyms or pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned restaurants would reduce repetition and improve clarity. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between ideas are smooth would help in presenting a more organized response. Finally, refining the paragraph structure to separate distinct trends or comparisons could further enhance logical progression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "revenue," "fluctuations," and "gradual growth." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice, such as "a slightly increase" instead of "a slight increase," and "the revenue of Spicy Fortune saw a downward trend" could be more naturally phrased. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Evening paradise" which should be "Evening Paradise." These errors do not impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical quality of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of less common vocabulary and ensure accuracy in word forms and collocations. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help convey precise meanings more effectively. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in spelling and grammar can improve the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective sentence structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "there was a slightly increase" should be "there was a slight increase," and "the revenue of Evening paradise saw a plummet" could be more clearly expressed. Overall, the communication is maintained, but the presence of errors indicates that the control of grammar and punctuation is not fully secure.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

  1. Proofreading: Carefully review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward constructions before submission.
  2. Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures to demonstrate greater flexibility.
  3. Grammar Practice: Engage in targeted grammar exercises to strengthen understanding of common pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage.
  4. Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expression of ideas, ensuring that all phrases are grammatically correct and convey the intended meaning without ambiguity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph expresses the amount of money earned by four different restaurants in a city in 2010. Overall, it can be seen that the revenue of Spicy Fortune experienced a downward trend throughout the year, while the opposite was true for the other restaurants. Additionally, the income generated by Spicy Fortune was the highest, whereas Delicacy had the lowest income.

In the first six months, both Delicacy and Spicy Fortune experienced fluctuations at around 30 and 160 thousand dollars, respectively. Moreover, the profit of Spicy Fortune was nearly five times greater than that of Delicacy. However, there was a slight increase in Spicy Fortune’s income before it fell to a low point of approximately 50 thousand dollars in the last month of the year, while Delicacy’s revenue witnessed gradual growth and peaked at 120 thousand in December, which was nearly double that of Spicy Fortune at the same time.

The income earned by Evening Paradise increased steadily from 50 to 100 thousand dollars between January and July, while Grand Fiesta’s profit declined to nearly match Evening Paradise’s figure in June (around 80 thousand dollars). In the second half of the period, a gradual increase of approximately 60 thousand dollars was maintained in Grand Fiesta’s income, whereas the revenue of Evening Paradise plummeted to 60 thousand in September, before becoming the highest in the last month.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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