the line graph show the average number of weekly patients visiting four clinics of a hospital from 2010 to 2016

The provided chart illustrates the number of weekly patients on average examining in 4 clinics of a hospital over the span of six years, commencing in 2010.
Generally,it is evident that there was a concordance in overall rise in those clinics, with the exception of birth control during the time frame. In addition, the quantities of patients going to birth control and eye clinics were significantly higher than those of the remaining clinics.
Upon initial examination for birth control and eye, on the outset, standing at south of 250 visits, the highest initial point, for the former and around 125 visits for the latter, those figures both gradually increased by more than 25 visits after 2 years. While the figure for eye clinics sharply rose to the highest 350 visits in the year of 2016, that of birth control witnessed a slight decline to approximately 200, before bouncing back to roughly 250 visits at the end of the research year.
Pertaining to other clinics, the numbers of diabetic and dental initially were reported at about 50 and 100 respectively. While the figure for diabetic detailed a moderate rise to under 100 in 2014 before considerably increasing to around 175, that of dental hit its above 50 nadir in 2012 and then eventually surged to under 150 visits, the least premier position among those surveyed.

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Errors and Improvements:

"commencing" -> "commencing"
Explanation: While "commencing" is technically correct, using "commencing" instead of "beginning" adds a more formal and sophisticated tone to the sentence.
"concordance" -> "correlation"
Explanation: "Correlation" is a more precise term to describe the relationship between the rise in overall patient numbers in the clinics. It’s commonly used in statistical contexts.
"going to" -> "visiting"
Explanation: "Visiting" is a more appropriate and formal term to describe patients accessing medical care at the clinics.
"Upon initial examination for birth control and eye, on the outset," -> "Initially, in the case of birth control and eye clinics,"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and redundant. "Initially" and "on the outset" convey similar meanings. Simplifying the expression enhances clarity and readability.
"standing at south of" -> "falling below"
Explanation: "Falling below" is a clearer way to express the idea that the number of visits was less than 250. It removes ambiguity and improves precision.
"those figures both gradually increased by more than 25 visits after 2 years" -> "both figures experienced a gradual increase of over 25 visits within 2 years"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and flow. It also maintains formal language while providing a precise description of the data.
"while the figure for eye clinics sharply rose" -> "meanwhile, the number of visits to the eye clinics sharply increased"
Explanation: Using "number of visits" instead of "figure" is more specific and formal. Additionally, "meanwhile" adds coherence to the narrative flow.
"witnessed a slight decline" -> "experienced a slight decline"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal and precise term to describe the decline in visits to the birth control clinic.
"bouncing back to roughly 250 visits" -> "rebounding to approximately 250 visits"
Explanation: "Rebounding" is a more dynamic and formal term to describe the return to a previous level. It enhances the description of the data.
"Pertaining to other clinics," -> "Regarding the other clinics,"
Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal and concise alternative to "pertaining to," maintaining the essay’s formal tone.
"initially were reported at about" -> "initially stood at approximately"
Explanation: "Stood at" is a more precise and formal way to describe the initial reported numbers of patients in the clinics.
"above 50 nadir" -> "lowest point above 50"
Explanation: "Nadir" refers to the lowest point, so "above 50 nadir" is redundant. Clarifying the expression improves precision and readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data presented in the line graph. It identifies the four clinics and describes their average weekly patient numbers over the six-year period. The essay highlights key features such as the general rise in patient numbers across most clinics, with exceptions noted for birth control and eye clinics. It also outlines specific figures for each clinic at different points in time.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could provide a clearer and more cohesive presentation of the data. Some sentences are complex and may be difficult to follow, leading to potential confusion for the reader. Additionally, there are instances of unclear phrasing and grammatical errors that could be addressed for greater clarity. More precise vocabulary related to numerical data and trends could enhance the analysis. Finally, the essay could benefit from a stronger conclusion summarizing the overall findings from the data presented in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, but there are issues with overall progression. The introduction provides an overview of the data presented in the graph, but the progression of ideas within paragraphs and between them lacks clarity. There is an attempt at logical organization, but it is hindered by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. Additionally, while some cohesive devices are used, they are not consistently effective, leading to some confusion. Paragraphing is utilized, but it does not always contribute to the coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on enhancing the logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are developed logically within and between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices more effectively to establish clear relationships between ideas. Additionally, revise for clarity and precision in language use to avoid repetition and awkward phrasing. Finally, pay attention to paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph contributes cohesively to the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision in the description of the line graph. The writer uses less common lexical items like "concordance," "nadir," "premier," and "bouncing back," showing awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice ("standing at south of 250 visits"), and some awkward or unclear expressions ("hitting its above 50 nadir," "detailed a moderate rise," "the least premier position among those surveyed"). The spelling is generally accurate, with only a few minor errors. Overall, the use of vocabulary is suitable for a band 7.

How to improve: To improve to a higher band, the writer should focus on refining word choice and collocation to ensure more natural expression. The use of less common vocabulary should be done with greater precision and control. Eliminating awkward phrasing and enhancing clarity in descriptions would contribute to a higher band score. Additionally, improving coherence by avoiding repetitive structures or unclear references can further enhance the quality of the lexical resource. Consider seeking feedback on vocabulary use to ensure accuracy and appropriateness in different contexts.
]

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, although some sentences lack complexity. While the overall message is communicated, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay.

How to improve: To improve the score, strive for greater variety and complexity in sentence structures. Additionally, pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce errors and enhance clarity. Proofreading and revising can help in identifying and correcting these issues.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the average number of weekly patients examining in four clinics of a hospital over six years, starting in 2010.

Overall, there was a consistent upward trend in patient numbers across all clinics except for the birth control clinic during the period. Specifically, the patient volumes for birth control and eye clinics stood notably higher compared to the other clinics.

Looking at the initial figures, the birth control clinic started with just under 250 visits, while the eye clinic began with around 125 visits. Both clinics experienced a gradual increase of more than 25 visits after two years. By 2016, the eye clinic’s patient count sharply rose to a peak of 350 visits, whereas the birth control clinic saw a slight dip to approximately 200 visits before rebounding to around 250 visits by the end of the observation period.

Regarding the diabetic and dental clinics, their initial patient numbers were around 50 and 100 visits, respectively. The diabetic clinic witnessed a moderate increase to just under 100 visits in 2014 before notably rising to around 175 visits. On the other hand, the dental clinic’s patient count reached its lowest point just above 50 visits in 2012 and then steadily climbed to under 150 visits, which was the lowest among the clinics surveyed.