The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

The line chart shows the percentage of people in 4 age groups living in New Zealand between 1950 and 2050.Overall, despite some fluctuations, there are increase in the proportions of those aged 38-45 and 0-14. While the percentage of New Zealand population in the aged of 25-37 and over 65 has seen a decrease. The data of the elderly is the highest throughout the period. Looking first are categories with decrease, about 60% of New Zealand’s population were over 65, with a subsequent rise to a peak of 70% in 1990. After that, this figure has fallen and is expected to be 55% in 2050. A more considerable decline can be seen in the data of those following into the 25-37 age group falling from 20% in 1950 to 1% in the final year. Turning to age groups with increases. While the proportion of 38-45-year-olds climbed substantially, from22% in 1950 to 48% in 1990, the figure for 0-14-year-olds. After that, it dropped gradually from 20% in 1950 to almost 0% 40 years later. Thereafter, the former saw a increase and will increase but the later is likely to increase to 20% in 2050.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart shows" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "shows" for describing the function of a line graph in presenting data.
"people in 4 age groups" -> "individuals in four age groups"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," and "four" should be numerically written as "four" in formal writing.
"there are increase" -> "there is an increase"
Explanation: "There is an increase" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the singular form required by the subject "increase."
"the aged of 25-37" -> "those aged 25-37"
Explanation: "Those aged" is the correct phrase to use when referring to a specific age range in formal academic writing.
"has seen a decrease" -> "has decreased"
Explanation: "Has decreased" is the correct form for the verb "decrease" in this context, aligning with the passive voice used in the sentence.
"The data of the elderly" -> "The elderly population"
Explanation: "The elderly population" is a clearer and more precise term than "the data of the elderly," which is awkward and vague.
"Looking first are categories with decrease" -> "First, let us consider the categories with decreases"
Explanation: "First, let us consider" is a more formal and clear way to introduce a discussion, and "decreases" should be plural to match the plural subject "categories."
"subsequent rise to a peak of 70%" -> "subsequent rise to a peak of 70%"
Explanation: This is a typographical correction to ensure proper punctuation.
"After that, this figure has fallen" -> "Subsequently, this figure has declined"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal transitional phrase, and "declined" is a more precise term than "fallen" in this context.
"following into the 25-37 age group" -> "those in the 25-37 age group"
Explanation: "Those in the 25-37 age group" corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase "following into."
"falling from 20% in 1950 to 1% in the final year" -> "decreasing from 20% in 1950 to 1% in the final year"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is the correct verb form for describing a decrease in quantity over time.
"Turning to age groups with increases" -> "Moving to age groups with increases"
Explanation: "Moving to" is a more formal and precise way to transition to a new topic in academic writing.
"the proportion of 38-45-year-olds climbed substantially" -> "the proportion of 38-45-year-olds substantially increased"
Explanation: "Substantially increased" is a more formal and precise way to describe the extent of the change.
"the figure for 0-14-year-olds" -> "the proportion of 0-14-year-olds"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more specific and appropriate for discussing percentages in this context.
"After that, it dropped gradually from 20% in 1950 to almost 0% 40 years later" -> "Subsequently, it decreased gradually from 20% in 1950 to nearly 0% 40 years later"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is a more formal transitional phrase, and "nearly" is more precise than "almost" in academic writing.
"the former saw a increase" -> "the former experienced an increase"
Explanation: "Experienced an increase" is grammatically correct and more formal than "saw an increase."
"will increase but the later is likely to increase to 20% in 2050" -> "will increase, while the latter is likely to rise to 20% in 2050"
Explanation: "While the latter is likely to rise" corrects the awkward and incorrect "the later is likely to increase," and "rise" is a more precise verb for describing an increase in quantity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that the percentage of the population aged 25-37 fell from 20% in 1950 to 1% in 2050. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. The essay could also be improved by focusing on key features rather than details. For example, the essay could focus on the fact that the percentage of the population aged over 65 is expected to decline in the future, while the percentage of the population aged 0-14 is expected to increase.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The ideas are somewhat scattered, and the transitions between different age groups and time periods are not always smooth. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, but they are often inadequate or inaccurately used, leading to confusion. For example, phrases like "Looking first are categories with decrease" and "Turning to age groups with increases" are awkward and disrupt the flow of the essay. Paragraphing is present but not always logical or effective, as the essay jumps between different age groups and time periods without clear transitions.

How to improve:

Improve Cohesion: Use more accurate and varied cohesive devices to link ideas smoothly. For example, instead of "Looking first are categories with decrease," you could write, "Firstly, examining the age groups that experienced a decrease."
Logical Progression: Ensure that the essay follows a logical progression. Start with a clear introduction, followed by well-organized body paragraphs that each focus on a specific age group or trend, and conclude with a summary.
Clear Paragraphing: Use paragraphing more effectively by grouping related information together. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic and should transition smoothly to the next.
Referencing and Substitution: Use referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and make the essay more coherent. For example, instead of repeating "the percentage of New Zealand population," you could use pronouns or synonyms.
Clarify Data Interpretation: Make sure that the interpretation of the data is clear and accurate. Avoid confusing statements and ensure that each point is supported by data from the graph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the data from the line graph, the use of vocabulary is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "percentage of people" and "age groups." There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the aged of 25-37" instead of "aged 25-37," and "a increase" instead of "an increase." These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and punctuation, such as missing spaces (e.g., "from22%") and incorrect use of articles, which further detracts from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the topic. They should also focus on improving accuracy in word choice and collocation, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and punctuation will help to eliminate errors that could impede communication. Finally, incorporating synonyms and varied expressions can help avoid repetition and convey more precise meanings.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as "there are increase" instead of "there is an increase," and "the aged of 25-37" which should be "those aged 25-37." Additionally, punctuation issues, such as missing spaces and incorrect sentence fragments, hinder clarity. While the meaning is generally understandable, these errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring accuracy in their use. Proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes before submission would also enhance clarity. Practicing the use of varied sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are complete and correctly structured will contribute to a more polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the percentage of people in four age groups living in New Zealand from 1950 to 2050. Overall, despite some fluctuations, there are increases in the proportions of those aged 38-45 and 0-14, while the percentage of the New Zealand population in the age groups of 25-37 and over 65 has seen a decrease. The data for the elderly remains the highest throughout the period.

Looking first at the categories with decreases, about 60% of New Zealand’s population was over 65 in 1950, with a subsequent rise to a peak of 70% in 1990. After that, this figure has fallen and is expected to be 55% in 2050. A more considerable decline can be observed in the data for those in the 25-37 age group, which fell from 20% in 1950 to just 1% in the final year.

Turning to the age groups with increases, the proportion of 38-45-year-olds climbed substantially from 22% in 1950 to 48% in 1990. In contrast, the figure for 0-14-year-olds dropped gradually from 20% in 1950 to almost 0% 40 years later. Thereafter, the former is expected to continue increasing, while the latter is likely to rise to 20% by 2050.