The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make
comparisons where relevant

The line chart below illustrates the proportion growth of population in different age groups in New Zealand between 1950 and 2050. In general, the population growth rate in the ages of 0-14 and 38-45 increased in the given period, while the figure for people aged 25-37 and over 65 saw a downward trend. It is proposed that the population over 65 has the highest growth rate. The percentage rise for this age group started by 60% in 1950, then increased by 10% in the next 40 years before gradually decreased back to 60% in 2000. It is predicted that this figure will continue to decline to around 55% in 2050, which still remains the highest growth rate among all age groups. Similar trend was witnessed in the ages of 38-45, in which the population growth rate dramatically rose between 1950 and 1990 before there was a slow fall to 40% in 2000. After that, this number is projected to remain stable in the next 50 years. In contrast, people at the age of 25-37 decreased sharply from 20% to under 10% in the period from 1950 to 1990, before remaining unchanged at this figure until 2000. However, inhabitant growth for this age group is forecasted to decline to approximately 0% in over the next half century. On the other hand, the growth rate of population at the age of 0-14 had no significant change from 1950 to 1990, then it gradually increased in the next 10 years and is predicted to reach 10% in 2050.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart below" -> "The line chart illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "below," which is vague and informal in this context.
"proportion growth" -> "proportional growth"
Explanation: "Proportional growth" is the correct term when referring to changes in proportions, whereas "proportion growth" is a misnomer.
"In general, the population growth rate" -> "Generally, the population growth rates"
Explanation: Adding "s" to "growth rates" corrects the grammatical error and maintains consistency in the plural form throughout the text.
"It is proposed that" -> "It is predicted that"
Explanation: "Predicted" is more specific and appropriate for discussing future trends in demographic data, whereas "proposed" implies a suggestion rather than a forecast.
"started by 60%" -> "began at 60%"
Explanation: "Begun at" is more precise and formal than "started by," which is somewhat colloquial.
"then increased by 10% in the next 40 years" -> "then increased by 10% over the next 40 years"
Explanation: Adding "over" clarifies the duration of the increase, enhancing the clarity and precision of the statement.
"gradually decreased back to 60%" -> "gradually decreased to 60%"
Explanation: Removing "back" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more direct and formal.
"Similar trend was witnessed" -> "A similar trend was observed"
Explanation: "Observed" is more academically precise than "witnessed," which is less commonly used in formal writing.
"dramatically rose" -> "dramatically increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is more neutral and appropriate for describing quantitative changes in data, whereas "rose" can imply a more subjective or emotional tone.
"before there was a slow fall" -> "before experiencing a slow decline"
Explanation: "Experiencing a slow decline" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "there was a slow fall."
"inhabitant growth" -> "population growth"
Explanation: "Inhabitant" is not the correct term in this context; "population growth" is the standard term for discussing demographic changes.
"forecasted to decline to approximately 0%" -> "projected to decrease to approximately 0%"
Explanation: "Projected" is more commonly used in academic contexts when discussing predictions, and "decrease" is more precise than "decline" in this context.
"On the other hand" -> "Conversely"
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transition word suitable for academic writing, replacing the more casual "On the other hand."
"had no significant change" -> "experienced little change"
Explanation: "Experienced little change" is a more precise and formal way to describe minimal variation in data, compared to "had no significant change," which is somewhat vague.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the line graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features and bullet points, but it does not adequately highlight them. For example, the essay states that the population over 65 has the highest growth rate, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that the population growth rate for people aged 25-37 decreased sharply from 20% to under 10% in the period from 1950 to 1990. This information is not relevant to the main trends in the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made about the main trends. The essay could also be improved by focusing on the key features and bullet points of the graph, rather than including irrelevant details. For example, the essay could focus on the fact that the population over 65 is projected to decline to around 55% in 2050, which is still the highest growth rate among all age groups. The essay could also focus on the fact that the population growth rate for people aged 38-45 is projected to remain stable in the next 50 years.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. It uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical at times. The essay uses paragraphing, but not always logically. For example, the essay starts with a general overview and then discusses each age group in separate sections, but the transitions between these sections could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences feel a bit disjointed, and there is occasional repetition.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more smoothly. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In contrast" or "On the other hand," consider using phrases like "Similarly," "Conversely," or "Furthermore" to vary the transitions.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the progression from one paragraph to the next is logical and fluid. This can be achieved by using topic sentences and ensuring that each paragraph flows naturally into the next.
Refine Sentence Structure: Avoid mechanical cohesion by varying sentence structures and lengths. This will make the essay read more naturally and improve the overall flow.
Clarify Referencing: Make sure that referencing is clear and appropriate. For instance, when referring to specific data points, ensure that it is clear which age group or time period is being discussed to avoid any confusion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms such as "proportion growth," "downward trend," and "population growth rate." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "inhabitant growth" instead of "population growth" and "the ages of 0-14 and 38-45 increased" which could be more clearly expressed as "the population in the age groups of 0-14 and 38-45 increased." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "gradually decreased back to 60%," which should be "gradually decreased to 60%." These issues do not severely impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This can be achieved by practicing the use of synonyms and more specific terms related to demographic trends. Additionally, reviewing common collocations and ensuring correct word forms will help reduce errors. Engaging with academic texts or reports on similar topics can also provide exposure to more sophisticated vocabulary and phrasing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present. While the majority of the sentences are understandable and the overall communication is effective, there are noticeable errors that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the proportion growth of population" and "inhabitant growth for this age group" are awkwardly constructed, and there are issues with verb tense consistency and preposition use. These errors are not frequent enough to severely impede understanding, but they do detract from the overall grammatical accuracy.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences that are grammatically accurate.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review and practice common grammatical rules, particularly verb tenses and prepositions, to reduce errors.
Clarity and Precision: Work on phrasing to ensure clarity. For instance, instead of "the proportion growth of population," consider "the growth proportion of the population."
Proofreading: Allocate time to proofread the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasing before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart below illustrates the proportionate growth of the population in different age groups in New Zealand between 1950 and 2050. In general, the population growth rates for the age groups of 0-14 and 38-45 increased during the given period, while the figures for people aged 25-37 and over 65 experienced a downward trend. It is noted that the population over 65 has the highest growth rate. The percentage for this age group started at 60% in 1950, then increased by 10% over the next 40 years before gradually decreasing back to 60% in 2000. It is projected that this figure will continue to decline to around 55% by 2050, which will still represent the highest growth rate among all age groups. A similar trend was observed in the 38-45 age group, where the population growth rate dramatically rose between 1950 and 1990 before experiencing a slow decline to 40% in 2000. After that, this number is expected to remain stable over the next 50 years. In contrast, the population of those aged 25-37 decreased sharply from 20% to under 10% during the period from 1950 to 1990, before remaining unchanged at this figure until 2000. However, the growth for this age group is forecasted to decline to approximately 0% over the next half-century. On the other hand, the growth rate of the population aged 0-14 showed no significant change from 1950 to 1990, then gradually increased over the next 10 years and is predicted to reach 10% by 2050.