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The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

The line graph gives information about the proportion of citizens populating New Zealand in a century, since 1950, sorted into four age groups.
Overall, dissimilar trends have been and will be reflected in the four figures. Moreover, people from 15 to 34 dominate New Zealand's population to the year 2040, as opposed to the data concerning those older than 65 being the least until 2030.
To be specific, in 1950, the elderly occupied exactly 10% of New Zealand's population, and this statistic was 22% lower than those who were in 15 to 34. During the century, there was a significant increase to 45% in the percentage of residents from 15 to 34 in 1990, before a gradual decrease to 29%, except a temporary rise during the 2020s. Meanwhile, the percentage of elderly inhabitants stayed the same until 1980 then doubles, with the exception of a moderate fluctuation between 10 and 15% lasted from 1990 to 2020.
Turning to the two remaining age groups, the first 20 years observed a slight growth from precisely 15 to 17% in the proportion of middle-aged people living in New Zealand, in contrast with a marginal drop from 28 to 25% in the figure relating to children below 14. Throughout the remaining time span, a substantial decline of 15% is seen in the percentage of children under 14, while the middle-aged-based rises dramatically to 34%, apart from an insignificant decrease between 1970 and 1990.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the proportion of citizens populating New Zealand" -> "the proportion of citizens inhabiting New Zealand"
    Explanation: Replacing "populating" with "inhabiting" is a more precise and formal term that better conveys the idea of people residing in New Zealand.

  2. "dissimilar trends have been and will be reflected" -> "divergent trends have been and will be manifested"
    Explanation: Substituting "dissimilar" with "divergent" and replacing "reflected" with "manifested" enhances the sophistication of the sentence by using more varied and precise vocabulary.

  3. "opposed to the data concerning those older than 65 being the least until 2030" -> "in contrast to the statistics for individuals aged 65 and older, which remain the lowest until 2030"
    Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more formal and structured expression of the comparison, improving clarity and precision.

  4. "To be specific" -> "To elaborate"
    Explanation: "To elaborate" is a more refined transition that signals a specific elaboration, maintaining a formal tone.

  5. "elderly occupied exactly 10%" -> "elderly constituted precisely 10%"
    Explanation: Replacing "occupied" with "constituted" provides a more accurate and formal description of the percentage of the elderly population.

  6. "During the century, there was a significant increase to 45%" -> "Over the course of the century, there was a substantial increase to 45%"
    Explanation: Introducing "Over the course of the century" adds temporal clarity and formality to the statement.

  7. "except a temporary rise during the 2020s" -> "excluding a transient increase during the 2020s"
    Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more precise and sophisticated description of the exception, contributing to a more polished expression.

  8. "the percentage of elderly inhabitants stayed the same" -> "the percentage of elderly inhabitants remained constant"
    Explanation: Replacing "stayed the same" with "remained constant" is a more formal and accurate way to describe the lack of change in the percentage.

  9. "Turning to the two remaining age groups" -> "Shifting focus to the two remaining age cohorts"
    Explanation: The suggested change introduces a more varied and sophisticated phrase to indicate a change in focus.

  10. "a marginal drop from 28 to 25%" -> "a slight decrease from 28 to 25%"
    Explanation: Substituting "marginal" with "slight" maintains the meaning while offering a more common and precise term to describe the drop.

  11. "Throughout the remaining time span" -> "Over the subsequent years"
    Explanation: "Over the subsequent years" provides a more formal and concise expression of the time frame, contributing to the overall sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task, providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data presented in the graph. It effectively highlights key features and trends across the age groups from 1950 to 2050. The essay maintains a coherent structure and generally presents the information with clarity, showcasing a good understanding of the data.

How to improve:
To enhance the score towards a higher band, consider further extending the discussion on trends and comparisons across the age groups. Provide more nuanced insights or connections between the different age categories. Additionally, aim for a smoother transition between the various time periods mentioned in the essay to improve overall coherence and flow.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information with a clear progression throughout. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to guide the reader through the data. There is a consistent focus on the central topic within each paragraph. Additionally, the essay successfully presents dissimilar trends in the population figures over the years, contributing to overall coherence.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the use of cohesive devices. While the essay currently employs them appropriately, paying attention to a more varied and nuanced selection could elevate the writing. Additionally, ensure that the progression between sentences and paragraphs is seamless, avoiding any potential faults or mechanical connections. Keep the focus on maintaining a logical relationship between ideas to strengthen overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. It effectively uses less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. There are, however, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation.

The candidate effectively communicates the main trends in the line graph, presenting a clear overview and detailed information about the age groups in New Zealand’s population from 1950 to 2050. The use of vocabulary such as "dissimilar trends," "dominate," "fluctuation," and "substantial decline" contributes to the overall richness of language. The essay also shows an attempt to use less common vocabulary, enhancing the expression of ideas.

However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "reflected in the four figures," which could be improved for better precision. Additionally, there are minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "populating" instead of "populated" and "inhabitants" instead of "population."

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, the candidate should focus on refining word choice and collocation. Precision in language can be enhanced by ensuring that uncommon vocabulary is used accurately. Proofreading is essential to minimize errors in word formation and spelling. Replacing imprecise phrases like "reflected in the four figures" with more specific language will further elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation with a variety of complex sentence structures. There is an effective use of vocabulary and a clear progression of ideas. However, there are some instances of inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that slightly impact overall clarity. For example, the phrase "people from 15 to 34 dominate New Zealand’s population" could be refined for smoother expression.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay attention to precision in expression. Avoid ambiguous phrases and aim for clarity in conveying ideas. Review the essay for instances where sentence structures could be refined for better flow and coherence. Additionally, proofread to eliminate minor errors and improve overall precision in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the demographic distribution of New Zealand’s population from 1950 to 2050, categorized into four age brackets.

In general, notable variations are observed across the four age groups over the century. Particularly noteworthy is the dominance of individuals aged 15 to 34 in New Zealand’s population until the year 2040, contrasting with those aged 65 and above, who constitute the smallest demographic until 2030.

To delve into specifics, the proportion of elderly individuals in 1950 stood at a mere 10%, a figure 22% lower than the population aged 15 to 34. Throughout the century, the percentage of those in the 15 to 34 age range witnessed a substantial surge, reaching 45% in 1990, followed by a gradual decline to 29%, with intermittent increases during the 2020s. Conversely, the percentage of elderly inhabitants remained constant until 1980 before doubling, experiencing minor fluctuations between 10 and 15% from 1990 to 2020.

Shifting focus to the remaining two age groups, the first two decades exhibited a slight uptick in the proportion of middle-aged individuals, rising from precisely 15% to 17%. In contrast, the figure for children below 14 witnessed a marginal decline from 28% to 25%. Throughout the subsequent years, a substantial decrease of 15% is discernible in the percentage of children under 14, while the middle-aged demographic experiences a remarkable surge to 34%, with negligible decreases noted only between 1970 and 1990.

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