The line graph shows the percentage of spending in a European country from 1960 to 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph shows the percentage of spending in a European country from 1960 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given line graph depicts how residents of a European country allocated their savings to different needs over a 40-year period starting from 1960.

Overall, food needs accounted for the largest percentage of expenditure’s distribution except 2000 – the last year listed, when surpassed by transport. While the amount of money spent on transport considerably rose, the others witnessed opposing trends.

In 1960, of all the necessaries, people made the majority of the payment for food, at roughly one third of total spending, exceeding the data for pastime by 13%. This was followed by clothing and transport, as their corresponding figures stood at 10% and 8%. Meanwhile, only a minority of people’ savings – 5%, was distributed to energy use.

Thereafter, in the following 40 years, the expenditures on leisure, clothing purchases and energy witnessed moderate declines, recording marginal drops of 8%, 5% and 4% in turn. Food recorded a similar trend, but to a greater extent, plummeting by closely 20%. In contrast, a noticeable growth was observed in the amount of money paid for traveling demands, with the proportion ending at 15% and thus, overtaking the first rank of food at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph" -> "The provided line graph"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and appropriate in academic contexts than "given," which can sound somewhat informal and less precise.
"allocated their savings to different needs" -> "allocated their savings across various needs"
Explanation: "Across various needs" is more precise and formal than "different needs," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"except 2000 – the last year listed" -> "except for 2000, the last year listed"
Explanation: Adding "for" clarifies the exception, making the sentence more formal and clear.
"the others witnessed opposing trends" -> "the other categories exhibited contrasting trends"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal than "witnessed," and "categories" is more precise than "the others," which is vague.
"people made the majority of the payment for food" -> "the majority of the expenditure was for food"
Explanation: "The majority of the expenditure was for food" is more concise and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "people made the majority of the payment."
"as their corresponding figures stood at" -> "with corresponding figures of"
Explanation: "With corresponding figures of" is more direct and formal than "as their corresponding figures stood at."
"only a minority of people’ savings" -> "only a minority of their savings"
Explanation: Removing "people’" corrects the possessive error and simplifies the phrase, making it more direct and formal.
"witnessed moderate declines" -> "experienced moderate declines"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more appropriate in this context than "witnessed," which is typically used for observing events rather than undergoing changes.
"clothing purchases" -> "clothing expenditures"
Explanation: "Expenditures" is more specific and formal than "purchases," which is more commonly used in everyday language.
"the amount of money paid for traveling demands" -> "expenditures for travel"
Explanation: "Expenditures for travel" is more concise and formal than "the amount of money paid for traveling demands."
"a noticeable growth was observed" -> "a notable increase was observed"
Explanation: "Increase" is more specific and formal than "growth," and "notable" is preferred in academic writing over "noticeable."
"ending at 15% and thus, overtaking the first rank of food" -> "ending at 15%, thereby surpassing food as the largest category"
Explanation: "Thereby surpassing food as the largest category" is more formal and precise than "overtaking the first rank of food," which is awkwardly phrased.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the line graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not adequately highlight the key features of the graph, such as the fact that food spending decreased significantly over the 40-year period, while transport spending increased significantly. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the percentage of spending on leisure in 1960.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the graph, and by highlighting the key features of the graph more clearly. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could state that food spending decreased significantly over the 40-year period, while transport spending increased significantly. The essay could also state that the percentage of spending on leisure in 1960 was 13%, but this detail is not essential to the overall understanding of the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the overall summary provides a good overview of the trends. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. The paragraphing is present, but the organization within paragraphs could be improved for better clarity. Some referencing is unclear, particularly in the transition between the years and the specific data points.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, instead of "thereafter," consider using phrases like "in the subsequent years" to provide a smoother transition.
Clarify Referencing: Ensure that references to data are clear and specific. For instance, when mentioning "the amount of money spent on transport considerably rose," specify the percentage increase for clarity.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Consider breaking down the analysis of trends into separate paragraphs for each category of expenditure to enhance clarity and organization.
Avoid Repetition: Try to reduce redundancy in phrases and ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly stating "amount of money," consider varying your language to maintain reader interest.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms such as "allocated," "expenditure," and "necessaries." However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary that are somewhat inaccurate, such as "food needs" instead of "food expenditure" and "the majority of the payment" which could be better phrased. Additionally, there are some errors in word formation and spelling, such as "expenditure’s distribution" which should be "expenditure distribution," and "people’ savings" instead of "people’s savings." These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall lexical resource quality.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct word forms. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items in context can help improve flexibility and precision. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will help to eliminate minor mistakes that could affect clarity. Engaging with a wider range of reading materials can also provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and collocations that can be incorporated into future writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the largest percentage of expenditure’s distribution" and "the majority of the payment for food" exhibit awkward constructions. Additionally, the use of "the others witnessed opposing trends" lacks clarity and could be better articulated. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present do affect the overall readability of the essay.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct. Practice combining clauses and using subordinate clauses effectively.
Focus on Clarity: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas. For example, instead of saying "the majority of the payment for food," consider rephrasing to "the largest portion of spending was on food."
Proofreading: Allocate time to review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors. This can help catch mistakes that may disrupt the flow of the writing.
Use of Vocabulary: Expand vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. This can help avoid awkward phrasing and improve overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph depicts how residents of a European country allocated their spending to different needs over a 40-year period starting from 1960.

Overall, food needs accounted for the largest percentage of expenditure distribution, except in 2000—the last year listed—when it was surpassed by transport. While the amount of money spent on transport considerably rose, the other categories witnessed opposing trends.

In 1960, of all the necessities, people allocated the majority of their spending to food, at roughly one third of total expenditure, exceeding the amount spent on leisure by 13%. This was followed by clothing and transport, with their corresponding figures standing at 10% and 8%. Meanwhile, only a minority of people’s savings—5%—was distributed to energy use.

In the following 40 years, expenditures on leisure, clothing purchases, and energy experienced moderate declines, recording marginal drops of 8%, 5%, and 4% respectively. Food expenditures recorded a similar trend but to a greater extent, plummeting by nearly 20%. In contrast, a noticeable growth was observed in the amount of money spent on travel, with the proportion ending at 15%, thus overtaking food as the highest expenditure category by the end of the period.