the line graphs

the line graphs

The line graphs illustrate how much money parents invested in their offspring’s physical activities every month and how many teenagers participating in football, athletics and swimming in Britain over the six-year period, from 2008 to 2014.
Overall, there was an considerable increase in the amount of monthly expenditure on sporting practice of the children. In addition, compared to athletics and swimming, it is clear that football was the most popular sport which attracted a large number of young participants.
In 2008, British parents spent an average of around 20 pounds per month on their children’s sporting activities. This figure rose gradually during the examined period, and in the final year, the average monthly spend climbed to just over 30 pounds.
In terms of participation numbers, in 2008, approximately 8 millions children were keen on football; meanwhile, only 2 million joined swimming clubs and less than 1 million did athletics. The figure for football participation almost remained stable over the following 6 years. In contrast, the figure for swimming doubled to nearly 4 millions children, and despite a fluctuation, the numbers of children taking part in athletics was fivefold, reaching about 5 million in 2014.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "considerable increase" -> "significant increase"
   Explanation: "Considerable" is somewhat vague and does not convey the magnitude of the increase as effectively as "significant," which emphasizes the notable change in the expenditure.
2. "monthly expenditure" -> "monthly investment"
   Explanation: "Expenditure" typically refers to money spent on goods or services, while "investment" better captures the idea of money spent for potential future benefits, aligning more closely with the context of parents spending money on their children’s activities.
3. "a large number of young participants" -> "a substantial number of young participants"
   Explanation: "Large" is a common descriptor, but "substantial" provides a more precise and nuanced description, indicating a significant number without being overly generic.
4. "approximately 8 millions children" -> "approximately 8 million children"
   Explanation: "Millions" should not be pluralized when used as a numerical quantity. The correct form is "8 million children."
5. "doubled to nearly 4 millions children" -> "doubled to nearly 4 million children"
   Explanation: Similar to the previous error, "millions" should be singular when used as a numerical quantity.
6. "fivefold" -> "fivefold increase"
   Explanation: Adding "increase" clarifies the nature of the change and makes the sentence more precise by explicitly stating that the participation numbers multiplied by five.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by presenting a clear overview of the main trends in the data provided by the line graphs. It effectively highlights key features such as the increase in monthly expenditure on children’s sporting activities and the popularity of football compared to athletics and swimming. However, some aspects could be more fully extended, such as providing additional details or analysis regarding the fluctuations in participation numbers.
How to improve: To improve, consider providing more detailed analysis or explanation for the fluctuations in participation numbers, and ensure all key features are thoroughly discussed without being overly repetitive or irrelevant.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas, though there are some instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transition between sentences. The central topic within each paragraph is adequately presented. However, there are some issues with the logical progression within and between paragraphs, and the use of referencing could be clearer and more appropriate.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices appropriately to strengthen the connections between ideas. Make sure referencing is clear and consistent throughout the essay, aiding the reader in following the progression of ideas more effectively. Additionally, refine paragraphing to ensure each paragraph logically develops a single central topic.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "considerable increase," "attracted," "examined period," and "fluctuation," but with some inaccuracy and lack of sophistication. There are some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "keen on football" (more commonly "keen on playing football"). The essay also makes some errors in spelling and word formation, like "considerable" instead of "considerable" and "athletics was fivefold" instead of "athletics were fivefold."

How to improve: To improve, the essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary and more accurate use of less common vocabulary. Additionally, paying closer attention to word choice and collocation would enhance the lexical resource. Finally, improving spelling and word formation accuracy would help elevate the lexical score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of complex structures, such as varied sentence lengths and types. There is clear evidence of complex sentences and vocabulary, enhancing the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. The majority of sentences are error-free, with only occasional minor errors, maintaining good control over grammar and punctuation. The essay effectively communicates the intended message with clarity and precision.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer could aim for even greater variety in sentence structures, incorporating more complex grammatical constructions. Additionally, paying close attention to punctuation, especially in complex sentences, can help eliminate any minor errors and further elevate the clarity and fluency of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graphs depict the expenditure parents allocated towards their children’s physical activities monthly, alongside the participation rates of teenagers in football, athletics, and swimming in Britain from 2008 to 2014.

Overall, there was a significant increase in the monthly spending on children’s sporting endeavors. Notably, football emerged as the most favored sport among youngsters, attracting a substantial number of participants compared to athletics and swimming.

In 2008, British parents invested an average of approximately £20 per month in their children’s sports activities. This amount steadily rose throughout the examined period, reaching just over £30 per month by 2014.

Regarding participation figures, in 2008, roughly 8 million children showed interest in football, while swimming clubs attracted around 2 million participants and athletics less than 1 million. Football participation remained relatively stable over the subsequent six years. Conversely, swimming saw a doubling in participation to nearly 4 million children, and despite fluctuations, the number of children engaging in athletics increased fivefold, reaching approximately 5 million by 2014.