The maps below show an industrial area in the town of Norbiton, and planned future development of the site. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The maps below show an industrial area in the town of Norbiton, and planned future development of the site.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams illustrate a changing plan in an industrial area in Norbiton from now to the future. As can be seen from the pictures, the town will totally transform in a number of different ways.
It can be easily imagined from the first map that the industrial zone is to the left of a town and to the South of a farmland. There is a roundabout which connects two main roads to make citizens get to work from their house. There are also a lot of factories on both sides of the street. Based on the second map, the site will have dramatic changes. More lanes will be built, especially a new roundabout and a bridge across the river, expanding the area through the North side. It seems to change to a residential area because a large number of housing apartments will replace all the factories. The site will have four new infrastructures such as shops, playground, medical center and school, which are suitable for all people of different ages.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "changing plan" -> "development plan"
   Explanation: "Changing plan" is a bit vague and could be more specific. "Development plan" is a more precise term that describes the transformation of an area over time.

2. "totally transform" -> "undergo a complete transformation"
   Explanation: "Totally transform" is a colloquial phrase. "Undergo a complete transformation" is more formal and descriptive.

3. "It can be easily imagined" -> "It is evident"
   Explanation: "It can be easily imagined" is somewhat redundant and informal. "It is evident" is a more concise and formal way to introduce an observation.

4. "from the first map" -> "in the initial map"
   Explanation: "From the first map" is acceptable but "in the initial map" is more formal and precise.

5. "to the left of a town" -> "west of the town"
   Explanation: Using cardinal directions (e.g., west) is more precise and avoids ambiguity.

6. "to the South of a farmland" -> "south of farmland"
   Explanation: "To the South of a farmland" is a grammatically incorrect phrase. "South of farmland" is the correct form.

7. "make citizens get to work from their house" -> "facilitate commuting from their homes to work"
   Explanation: The phrase "make citizens get to work from their house" is awkward. "Facilitate commuting from their homes to work" is clearer and more formal.

8. "a lot of factories" -> "numerous factories"
   Explanation: "A lot of" is a colloquial phrase. "Numerous" is more formal and precise.

9. "on both sides of the street" -> "along both sides of the street"
   Explanation: "On both sides of the street" is acceptable, but "along both sides of the street" is more specific and descriptive.

10. "Based on the second map" -> "According to the second map"
    Explanation: "Based on" is acceptable, but "According to" is more formal and commonly used in academic writing.

11. "the site will have dramatic changes" -> "significant changes are planned for the site"
    Explanation: "Dramatic changes" is acceptable, but "significant changes are planned for the site" is more formal and specific.

12. "More lanes will be built" -> "Additional lanes will be constructed"
    Explanation: "More lanes will be built" is acceptable, but "Additional lanes will be constructed" is more formal and precise.

13. "especially a new roundabout and a bridge across the river" -> "including a new roundabout and a bridge spanning the river"
    Explanation: "Especially" is a bit informal. "Including a new roundabout and a bridge spanning the river" is more formal and descriptive.

14. "expanding the area through the North side" -> "expanding the area to the north"
    Explanation: "Through the North side" is awkward. "To the north" is more concise and clear.

15. "It seems to change to a residential area" -> "It appears to be transitioning into a residential area"
    Explanation: "It seems to change to a residential area" is unclear. "It appears to be transitioning into a residential area" is more precise.

16. "because a large number of housing apartments" -> "due to the construction of a large number of apartment buildings"
    Explanation: "Because a large number of housing apartments" is redundant. "Due to the construction of a large number of apartment buildings" is clearer and more formal.

17. "will replace all the factories" -> "will replace the existing factories"
    Explanation: "All the factories" is unnecessary. "The existing factories" is more specific.

18. "The site will have four new infrastructures" -> "The site will have four new facilities"
    Explanation: "Infrastructures" should be "facilities" when referring to individual structures or amenities.

19. "such as shops, playground, medical center and school" -> "such as shops, a playground, a medical center, and a school"
    Explanation: Each item in the list should be preceded by an article for clarity and consistency.

20. "which are suitable for all people of different ages" -> "making it suitable for individuals of all ages"
    Explanation: "Which are suitable for all people of different ages" is awkward. "Making it suitable for individuals of all ages" is more concise and clear.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the industrial area in Norbiton and the planned future development. The main features such as the location of the industrial zone, the presence of a roundabout, and the transformation into a residential area are mentioned. However, the details provided lack specificity and coherence. While key features are highlighted, they could be more fully extended, and there are some inaccuracies and irrelevant details, such as mentioning the direction of the town or farmland. Additionally, the transition between describing the current state and the future plans could be smoother.
How to improve: To improve, provide more specific details about the current industrial area and the proposed changes. Ensure that all information presented is relevant to the task, avoiding unnecessary details such as cardinal directions. Work on coherence and cohesion in the essay by organizing information more logically and using transitions effectively to connect ideas. Also, strive for accuracy in describing the features and avoid generalizations. Additionally, focus on fully developing each key point with sufficient explanation and detail.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information with some coherence and demonstrates a clear overall progression. It describes the current industrial area and the planned future development. The writer introduces the main features of both maps, including the existing layout and the proposed changes. However, there are some areas where cohesion could be improved. While there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as transition words, they are not always used effectively, leading to some disjointedness in the flow of ideas. For instance, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence. Additionally, the organization of information within and between sentences could be clearer, as some sentences feel disconnected from each other. Furthermore, the use of referencing and substitution is not consistently clear, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

1. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to enhance the flow of ideas.
2. Ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve coherence.
3. Clarify referencing and substitution to maintain coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.
4. Pay attention to the logical organization of information within and between sentences to ensure a clearer overall progression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including some less common lexical items such as "infrastructure," "citizens," and "farmland." Attempts to use less common vocabulary are evident, but there are inaccuracies, such as "roundabout which connects two main roads to make citizens get to work from their house," where "make citizens get to work" is awkward phrasing. Additionally, there are some errors in word choice and collocation, for example, "changing plan" instead of "changing landscape" or "changing development." Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary. Avoid awkward phrasing and strive for more natural expressions. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors can also improve clarity and overall coherence. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary by incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate terms will elevate the lexical richness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, showing some attempt at varied structures. There are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly hinder communication. The essay adequately conveys the main features of the maps and makes some relevant comparisons.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex ones. Additionally, thorough proofreading to correct grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes is necessary. Further development of vocabulary and more precise word choices can also enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagrams depict the evolution of an industrial zone in Norbiton, showcasing the transition from its current state to a planned future development. The transformation encompasses various aspects, as highlighted below.

In the initial depiction, the industrial area is situated westwards of the town and southwards of farmland. A central roundabout facilitates connectivity between two primary roads, facilitating commuting for residents. Factories flank both sides of the thoroughfare, indicative of the area’s industrial nature.

Conversely, the subsequent illustration portrays significant alterations to the site. Notably, an expansion is evident towards the northern region, facilitated by the addition of new lanes, a roundabout, and a bridge spanning the river. The transformation indicates a shift towards residential purposes, as the existing factories are slated for replacement by housing apartments. Additionally, four new amenities – shops, playgrounds, a medical center, and a school – are planned, catering to the diverse needs of residents across different age groups.

Overall, the proposed development signifies a comprehensive overhaul of the industrial area, transitioning it into a multifaceted residential zone with enhanced infrastructure and amenities.