The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

the innovation of technology developing has offered people a more convenient life. it is believed that the key importance of the science field is to promote human life nowadays. from my perspective, i completely agree with this statement with this statement for the following reasons.to commence with, scientific advancements have constantly led to significant improvements in healthcare. more and more hospital buildings existed with high-quality medicine and modern manufacturing. these advancements have decreased rate the number of patients catching some dangerous diseases, for instance: atherosclerotic, heart attack, heart failure, and hepatitis. following the report of the Ministry of Health, the rate of entering hospital because of this disease have gently fallen down in recent years.
Furthermore, science has played a vital role in addressing global challenges and improving living conditions. Climate change, air pollution, and level sea raising are several problems that people suffer from every day. with the development of science, scientists have invented renewable energy or solutions for green technology, leading to enhancing the quality of human standards. first, wild energy or water energy helps produce electricity for daily activity rather than using coal emitting the co2 into the environment. next, scientists and the government also have tried to produce green technology. For example, bus electric or car electric have developed and are used in daily life. these products could bring good clean air quality results to enhance the citizen's health.
in conclusion, the central aim of science should unquestionably be to improve human life.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "the innovation of technology developing" -> "technological innovation"
   Explanation: Replacing "the innovation of technology developing" with "technological innovation" provides a more concise and formal expression, aligning with academic style.

2. "it is believed that the key importance of the science field is to promote human life nowadays" -> "it is widely acknowledged that the primary role of the field of science is to enhance human life in contemporary society."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative introduces a more formal and precise description, emphasizing broad acceptance and using elevated vocabulary.

3. "from my perspective, i completely agree with this statement with this statement" -> "I wholeheartedly endorse this view for the following reasons."
   Explanation: The revised phrase enhances formality and eliminates redundancy, providing a more polished expression of agreement.

4. "to commence with" -> "Firstly"
   Explanation: "To commence with" is more casual, while "Firstly" is a formal and appropriate transition in academic writing.

5. "rate the number of patients catching some dangerous diseases" -> "incidence of individuals contracting severe illnesses"
   Explanation: The suggested change replaces colloquial language with a more formal and precise expression related to disease occurrence.

6. "following the report of the Ministry of Health, the rate of entering hospital because of this disease have gently fallen down in recent years." -> "According to the Ministry of Health report, the hospitalization rate due to these diseases has gradually declined in recent years."
   Explanation: The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and formal, providing a clearer connection between the Ministry of Health report and the decrease in hospitalization rates.

7. "Furthermore" -> "Moreover"
   Explanation: "Moreover" is a more sophisticated alternative to "Furthermore" in academic writing, enhancing the overall formality of the essay.

8. "wild energyErrors and Improvements:

9. "wild energy or water energy" -> "renewable energy sources, such as wind or hydropower"
   Explanation: "Wild energy" is unclear and informal. Replacing it with "renewable energy sources" and specifying examples like wind or hydropower adds clarity and formality.

10. "bus electric or car electric" -> "electric buses and cars"
    Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more standard and formal way to refer to electric-powered vehicles.

11. "could bring good clean air quality results to enhance the citizen’s health." -> "can contribute to improving air quality, thereby enhancing public health."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more precise language to convey the positive impact on air quality and public health, adhering to academic standards.

12. "in conclusion, the central aim of science should unquestionably be to improve human life." -> "In conclusion, the primary objective of science should undoubtedly be the enhancement of human well-being."
    Explanation: The revised conclusion maintains formality and clarity while using more sophisticated language to convey the core purpose of science.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of science in improving human life but lacks depth in exploring the extent of agreement or disagreement.
  • How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should provide a more nuanced analysis of the prompt, discussing the degree to which science should prioritize improving people’s lives. Specific examples and elaboration on the implications of this prioritization would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance, expressing complete agreement with the statement. However, the expression is brief and lacks thorough exploration, leading to a somewhat superficial presentation.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the essay should delve deeper into the reasons supporting the agreement, providing more detailed examples and perhaps addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to healthcare improvements and addressing global challenges, but these ideas lack elaboration and depth. Specific examples are mentioned but not thoroughly developed.
  • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the essay should provide more detailed explanations for each example, discussing the specific impacts of scientific advancements on healthcare and global challenges. This will add depth and credibility to the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of science in improving human life. However, there are moments of minor deviation and redundancy.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should avoid repetition and ensure that every point made directly contributes to the main argument. This will make the essay more concise and cohesive.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position on the importance of science in improving human life. However, to achieve a higher band score, the essay should focus on providing more depth and development in its ideas, addressing all aspects of the prompt with a nuanced analysis. Additionally, attention to word count is crucial to avoid being penalized for being "UNDER WORD."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with an introduction that states the viewpoint and provides reasons. The body paragraphs discuss advancements in healthcare and the role of science in addressing global challenges. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition between the healthcare discussion and the global challenges is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider providing smoother transitions between ideas. Introduce the second main point in a way that links it seamlessly to the first, creating a more cohesive narrative.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness could be refined. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect (healthcare, global challenges), but the second paragraph is lengthy and covers multiple subtopics. This affects the clarity and coherence of ideas.
  • How to improve: Break down the second paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs, each addressing a specific subtopic (renewable energy, green technology). This will enhance readability and organization.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (to commence with, furthermore, in conclusion). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. Additionally, the connection between sentences within paragraphs could be strengthened.
  • How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to improve the overall flow. Include a variety of linking words and phrases to establish connections between sentences and ideas. This will create a more cohesive and smoothly transitioning essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices will elevate its coherence and cohesion, potentially pushing the score higher.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, including terms like "scientific advancements," "healthcare," "climate change," "renewable energy," and "green technology." However, there’s potential to incorporate a more diverse and nuanced vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
  • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and exploring more specific terms. For instance, instead of frequently repeating "scientific advancements," employ alternatives like "technological innovations," "scientific breakthroughs," or "progress in science" to avoid repetition and add depth to your arguments.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes demonstrates imprecise vocabulary usage, leading to unclear or vague expressions. For example, the phrase "wild energy" might be intended to refer to renewable energy sources, but it could confuse readers due to imprecision.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision in your choice of words. Replace ambiguous terms like "wild energy" with clearer phrases such as "renewable energy sources like wind or solar power." Be cautious about using unfamiliar phrases that might obscure your intended meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling errors are noticeable throughout the essay, such as "atherosclerotic," which should be "atherosclerosis." These errors, while not excessively distracting, affect the overall clarity and readability.
  • How to improve: Utilize tools like spell-check and proofreading to rectify spelling errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with specific scientific terms and their correct spelling through targeted practice and reading materials related to science and technology.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable grasp of vocabulary related to the topic, improving precision and accuracy will refine the expression of ideas and enhance the overall quality of the essay. Focus on expanding vocabulary breadth, employing precise terms, and ensuring correct spelling to further elevate your writing in future compositions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some variety in sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complexity and sophistication in sentence construction. Simple structures dominate the essay, leading to a somewhat monotonous flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating complex sentences, varying sentence lengths, and employing rhetorical devices. For instance, utilize relative clauses, participial phrases, and diverse sentence beginnings to create a more engaging and dynamic narrative.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay conveys its message, there are notable grammatical inaccuracies throughout. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the rate of entering hospital") and article usage ("the key importance of the science field"). These errors impact clarity and precision.
  • How to improve: Focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly regarding agreement and article usage. Additionally, proofread your work carefully to catch and correct errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and rectify grammatical issues.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: Punctuation in the essay is inconsistently used. Commas are often misused, leading to run-on sentences and confusion. Additionally, there are instances where periods are missing at the end of sentences.
  • How to improve: Develop a stronger understanding of punctuation rules, paying attention to the correct use of commas and periods. Practice identifying appropriate places for pauses and breaks in sentences. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that punctuation enhances rather than hinders the reader’s understanding.

In summary, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, improvements in sentence structure complexity, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation are needed to elevate the overall quality. Focus on refining these aspects through practice, self-editing, and seeking feedback to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The advancement of technology has undeniably contributed to a more convenient life for people. It is widely acknowledged that the primary role of the field of science is to enhance human life in contemporary society. I wholeheartedly endorse this view for the following reasons.

Firstly, scientific advancements have consistently led to significant improvements in healthcare. The proliferation of high-quality medical facilities and modern pharmaceuticals has resulted in a gradual decline in the incidence of individuals contracting severe illnesses. According to a report from the Ministry of Health, the hospitalization rate due to diseases such as atherosclerosis, heart attacks, heart failure, and hepatitis has steadily decreased in recent years.

Moreover, science has played a vital role in addressing global challenges and improving living conditions. Issues like climate change, air pollution, and rising sea levels pose daily challenges to people around the world. With the development of science, renewable energy sources such as wind or hydropower have been harnessed, contributing to the reduction of air pollution and the enhancement of public health. Electric buses and cars, as examples of green technology, have become viable alternatives in daily life, further improving air quality and, consequently, the well-being of citizens.

In conclusion, the primary objective of science should undoubtedly be the enhancement of human well-being. Through advancements in healthcare and the development of eco-friendly technologies, science has the potential to create a positive impact on people’s lives, fostering a healthier and more sustainable future.