The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Human's life is the most serious thing that science ought to focus on the way to increase the quality of people's life. Improving people's lives could bring a number of benefits, such as increase of labour and economic prosperity, decrease percentage of criminals… And I agree.
Firstly, science should find the way to increase the quality of human's life. Improving life could bring chances for people who have poor background so that the amount of educated labour will grow up lead to the rise of economic. In fact, in Japan the government still pay money for retired people, individuals have poor background or pregnant women to improve their life. So it lead to children and old people have have a better life, poor citizens have chance to change their life. Side by side, the percentage of criminals could be decrease since there are few matter of money for them. Science ought to focus on improving human life to bring a number of advantage for social.
Secondly, if science spend too much time and money for solving citizens life issue could lead to waste source of cost of their rations. For instance, there are amount of problem of people's life that not already have solution and the government just focus on it. The time for other issue will be go down lead to lack of labour and cost for other problems.
In conclusion, science should focus on develop human life lead to increase labour and economic, perhaps decrease percentage of criminals.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Human’s life" -> "Human life"
Explanation: The possessive form "Human’s" is incorrect in this context. "Human life" is the correct noun phrase, referring to the quality of life of humans in general. -
"ought to focus on the way to increase" -> "should focus on improving"
Explanation: "Ought to" is somewhat archaic and less direct than "should," which is more commonly used in modern academic writing. "The way to increase" is also redundant; "improving" directly conveys the intended meaning. -
"increase of labour and economic prosperity" -> "increased labor and economic prosperity"
Explanation: "Increase of" is grammatically incorrect; "increased" is the correct form to describe the state of something becoming greater. Also, "labour" should be "labor" in American English, which is more commonly used in academic texts. -
"decrease percentage of criminals" -> "decrease in the number of criminals"
Explanation: "Decrease percentage" is incorrect; "decrease in the number" is the correct phraseology for describing a reduction in quantity. -
"Firstly" -> "First"
Explanation: "Firstly" is a less formal and somewhat archaic term. "First" is more appropriate for academic writing. -
"find the way to increase" -> "develop strategies to improve"
Explanation: "Find the way to increase" is vague and informal. "Develop strategies to improve" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"bring chances for people who have poor background" -> "offer opportunities to individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds"
Explanation: "Bring chances" is informal and imprecise. "Offer opportunities" is more formal and specific, and "individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds" is a clearer and more respectful way to describe those with limited resources. -
"the amount of educated labour will grow up" -> "the number of educated workers will increase"
Explanation: "The amount of educated labour" is awkward and incorrect. "The number of educated workers" is grammatically correct and clearer. "Grow up" is also informal and incorrect in this context; "increase" is the correct verb. -
"lead to the rise of economic" -> "lead to economic growth"
Explanation: "The rise of economic" is grammatically incorrect. "Economic growth" is the correct term and is more formal and precise. -
"still pay money for retired people" -> "continue to support retired individuals"
Explanation: "Still pay money for" is informal and vague. "Continue to support" is more formal and specific, and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal writing. -
"have have a better life" -> "have a better life"
Explanation: The double "have" is a typographical error. Removing the extra "have" corrects the sentence. -
"few matter of money for them" -> "little financial support for them"
Explanation: "Few matter of money" is incorrect and unclear. "Little financial support" is a precise and formal way to describe limited resources. -
"spend too much time and money for solving citizens life issue" -> "devote excessive time and resources to addressing citizens’ life issues"
Explanation: "Spend too much time and money for solving" is awkward and informal. "Devote excessive time and resources to addressing" is more formal and precise, and "citizens’ life issues" is grammatically correct. -
"lack of labour and cost for other problems" -> "shortage of labor and resources for other issues"
Explanation: "Lack of labour and cost" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Shortage of labor and resources" is more precise and formal, and "issues" is preferred over "problems" in academic contexts. -
"develop human life lead to increase labour and economic" -> "develop strategies for improving human life, leading to increased labor and economic growth"
Explanation: "Develop human life lead to increase labour and economic" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects these issues and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and readable.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question by discussing the importance of science in improving people’s lives. However, it lacks a comprehensive analysis of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The examples provided are somewhat relevant but could be more specific and detailed.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. Clearly state your position on the statement and provide specific examples to support your argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position throughout by agreeing with the statement that science should focus on improving people’s lives. However, the stance could be more explicitly stated and consistently reinforced throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, clearly state your position in the introduction and reinforce it in each body paragraph. Use topic sentences to guide the reader on your stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. The examples provided are somewhat relevant but need more elaboration and analysis to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, provide more detailed explanations and examples. Elaborate on how science can specifically improve people’s lives and provide evidence to support your claims.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the importance of science in improving people’s lives. However, there are instances where the focus shifts to the economic aspects without a clear connection to the main argument.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument of how science can improve people’s lives. Avoid tangents that do not contribute to the overall theme of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. The introduction briefly introduces the topic but does not provide a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs do not flow logically from one to the next, and the conclusion is abrupt. For example, the essay jumps from discussing the benefits of improving people’s lives to the potential waste of resources without a smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow of the essay, consider structuring it with a clear introduction that includes a thesis statement outlining your stance on the prompt. Each body paragraph should focus on a specific point, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Ensure that there is a smooth transition between paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as it is presented as one long block of text. This makes it difficult for the reader to distinguish between different ideas and arguments. Without clear paragraph breaks, the essay appears disorganized and overwhelming.
- How to improve: Break down the essay into distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point or argument. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. This will help improve the overall structure and readability of your essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices that would help connect ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. There is a lack of transition words and phrases that would guide the reader through the argument and create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., firstly, secondly, in conclusion), pronouns (e.g., this, that, these), and linking phrases (e.g., as a result, on the other hand) to connect ideas and create a more cohesive essay. This will help improve the overall coherence and clarity of your writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using varied terms such as "economic prosperity," "labour," "citizens," and "advantage for social." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the depth of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced terms related to the topic. For example, instead of using general terms like "improving life," try using more precise terms like "enhancing quality of life" or "uplifting human well-being." This will not only showcase a wider vocabulary range but also add depth to the argument.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses imprecise vocabulary, such as "amount of problem" instead of "myriad of issues" or "lack of labour" instead of "shortage of workforce." While the overall vocabulary usage is understandable, there is a need for more precise and accurate word choices to convey ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary precision, focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Consider using a thesaurus to find synonyms that capture the nuances of your ideas more accurately. Additionally, pay attention to the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align with the intended message.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "labour," "lead" instead of "led," and "have have" instead of "have." These errors impact the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading your work carefully before submission. Pay attention to common spelling mistakes and practice regularly to enhance your spelling skills. Additionally, seeking feedback from others can help identify and correct spelling errors more effectively.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple and lack complexity. For example, "Improving people’s lives could bring a number of benefits, such as increase of labour and economic prosperity, decrease percentage of criminals… And I agree." This sentence lacks variety in structure and could be improved by incorporating more complex sentence structures like compound or complex sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, try incorporating compound sentences by combining related ideas. For example, "Improving people’s lives could lead to an increase in labor force and economic prosperity, as well as a decrease in the percentage of criminals. Therefore, I agree with the statement." This will make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that affect the clarity of the writing. For instance, "Human’s life is the most serious thing that science ought to focus on the way to increase the quality of people’s life." The incorrect use of possessive "Human’s" instead of the plural "Humans" and the awkward phrasing impact the overall readability of the sentence. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Review each sentence carefully to ensure that the subjects and verbs match in number and that the tenses are used consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, work on punctuation skills to ensure proper placement of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks for clearer communication. Consider seeking feedback from a tutor or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors effectively.
Bài sửa mẫu
Human life should be the primary focus of science when it comes to enhancing the quality of people’s lives. Improving human lives can result in various benefits, such as increased labor and economic prosperity, as well as a decrease in the number of criminals. I strongly agree with this statement.
To begin with, science should develop strategies to improve the quality of human life. By offering opportunities to individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds, the number of educated workers will increase, leading to economic growth. For example, in Japan, the government provides financial support to retired individuals, those from poor backgrounds, and pregnant women to enhance their quality of life. Consequently, children and the elderly can have a better life, while underprivileged citizens have the chance to improve their circumstances. Moreover, with little financial support available for criminals, the percentage of individuals engaging in criminal activities is likely to decrease. Therefore, it is crucial for science to focus on improving human life to bring about numerous social benefits.
Furthermore, if science devotes excessive time and resources to addressing citizens’ life issues, it may result in a shortage of labor and resources for other important matters. For instance, if a significant amount of attention is given to unresolved life problems, other pressing issues may not receive the necessary focus. This imbalance could lead to a lack of labor and resources for addressing other critical societal issues.
In conclusion, it is essential for science to develop strategies for improving human life, as this will lead to increased labor, economic growth, and potentially a decrease in the percentage of criminals. By prioritizing the enhancement of human life, society as a whole can benefit from a more prosperous and harmonious environment.