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The most important function of music is that it helps people reduce stress. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The most important function of music is that it helps people reduce stress. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Music plays a vital role in our life for being a source of entertainment, and it is often said that the primary purpose of music is being a stress reliever. In my opinion, I disagree with this viewpoint because I believe that many other functions are just as critical.

Some people would claim that the most crucial role of music is to help us unwind as it has a profound effect on both emotions and the body. To be specific, research has found that music can be a powerful tool to not only help us settle our mind when feeling stressed, but also promote healing and improve our overall emotional well-being.This is the reason why listening to music has always been a popular activity people would do after a hectic day to ease their stress from work and study.

However, I believe that various other functions are just as significant as the relaxation purpose aforementioned. To begin with, music has also always been part of cultural and religious rituals, which includes national anthems or wedding and funeral marches. This is the way in which music helps countries to represent their national identity. Moreover, music is also a form of art which helps decorate our daily life. It can be seen that many dull events of the day such as exercising or cooking can turn into something more enjoyable thanks to music, and movies which feature music are also more captivating.

In conclusion, relieving stress is obviously an important purpose of music, but cultural and artistic functions are equally significant.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Music plays a vital role in our life for being a source of entertainment, and it is often said that the primary purpose of music is being a stress reliever."
    -> "Music plays a crucial role in our lives as a source of entertainment, and it is commonly asserted that the primary purpose of music is to serve as a stress reliever."
    Explanation: Replacing "vital" with "crucial" enhances the formality of the language. Also, rephrasing to "commonly asserted" provides a more academic tone.

  2. "In my opinion, I disagree with this viewpoint because I believe that many other functions are just as critical."
    -> "In my perspective, I dissent from this viewpoint as I contend that numerous other functions are equally crucial."
    Explanation: Substituting "disagree" with "dissent" and "critical" with "crucial" elevates the level of formality, making the expression more academically appropriate.

  3. "Some people would claim that the most crucial role of music is to help us unwind as it has a profound effect on both emotions and the body."
    -> "Some individuals argue that the paramount role of music is to facilitate relaxation, given its profound impact on both emotions and the body."
    Explanation: Replacing "claim" with "argue" and using "paramount" instead of "crucial" contributes to a more formal and precise language style.

  4. "To be specific, research has found that music can be a powerful tool to not only help us settle our mind when feeling stressed, but also promote healing and improve our overall emotional well-being."
    -> "Specifically, studies have revealed that music serves as a potent tool, aiding in calming the mind during stress and fostering healing while enhancing overall emotional well-being."
    Explanation: The substitution of "research" with "studies" and the restructuring of the sentence contribute to a more formal and academically appropriate expression.

  5. "This is the reason why listening to music has always been a popular activity people would do after a hectic day to ease their stress from work and study."
    -> "Hence, listening to music has consistently been a popular activity that individuals engage in after a demanding day to alleviate stress associated with work and study."
    Explanation: The use of "hence" and rephrasing the sentence improves the formality and clarity of the expression.

  6. "However, I believe that various other functions are just as significant as the relaxation purpose aforementioned."
    -> "Nevertheless, I contend that several other functions are equally significant, extending beyond the aforementioned purpose of relaxation."
    Explanation: Substituting "various" with "several" and rephrasing the sentence for clarity enhances the academic tone.

  7. "To begin with, music has also always been part of cultural and religious rituals, which includes national anthems or wedding and funeral marches."
    -> "Firstly, music has consistently been integral to cultural and religious rituals, encompassing national anthems, wedding ceremonies, and funeral marches."
    Explanation: The use of "firstly" and rephrasing for precision improves the formality and structure of the sentence.

  8. "This is the way in which music helps countries to represent their national identity."
    -> "This is how music contributes to the representation of national identity for countries."
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  9. "Moreover, music is also a form of art which helps decorate our daily life."
    -> "Furthermore, music, as a form of art, embellishes our daily existence."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using "embellishes" instead of "decorates" enhances formality and clarity.

  10. "It can be seen that many dull events of the day such as exercising or cooking can turn into something more enjoyable thanks to music, and movies which feature music are also more captivating."
    -> "It is evident that mundane daily activities like exercising or cooking can become more enjoyable through music, and movies featuring music are also more captivating."
    Explanation: The use of "evident" and refining the sentence for conciseness and precision improves the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear stance on the importance of music beyond stress relief. It recognizes the stress-relieving function of music but argues that other functions are equally crucial. Relevant sections such as the introduction and the conclusion emphasize this balanced perspective.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more depth in the analysis of stress relief as a function of music. Offer specific examples or counterarguments to strengthen your position.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting disagreement with the idea that stress relief is the sole purpose of music. Examples and arguments are logically structured, contributing to the clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph explicitly reinforces the overall stance. Connect ideas seamlessly to avoid potential confusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides specific examples, such as the role of music in cultural and religious rituals, to substantiate the argument. These examples contribute to a well-developed and supported response.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the content, consider exploring additional examples or providing more depth in the analysis of the cultural and artistic functions of music. This can enhance the overall depth of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the functions of music in a broader context. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing the stress-relieving aspect of music. While this provides a balanced view, ensure that the discussion consistently aligns with the central theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a clear focus on the prompt throughout the essay. If discussing alternative functions, ensure they are directly connected to the main argument about the diverse roles of music.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, offering a well-structured, balanced, and supported response. To improve, consider refining the analysis of stress relief, strengthening the clarity of the position, and further developing examples to enhance the depth of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs present arguments against the idea that stress reduction is the primary function of music, providing examples and explanations for cultural and artistic functions. The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s opinion. However, there is a slight lack of clarity in transitioning between paragraphs, and the overall flow could be improved for a more seamless progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs. Consider using transition words or phrases that guide the reader from one idea to the next. Additionally, provide a clearer roadmap at the beginning of each paragraph to preview the main point and how it relates to the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from a more explicit topic sentence to clearly outline the main point. For instance, the second paragraph starts with the writer’s disagreement but lacks a clear topic sentence.
    • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that succinctly communicates the main idea of the paragraph. This will help readers easily follow the essay’s structure and understand the purpose of each section. Consider revising the second paragraph to provide a clearer topic sentence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision in the use of these devices. For instance, some transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the variety of cohesive devices used, such as employing a wider range of transition words and ensuring their appropriate placement. Additionally, consider the use of parallel structure and repetition to reinforce connections between ideas. Review the essay for areas where transitions could be refined for smoother coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and seamlessly connected essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, including terms related to music, emotions, and cultural aspects. For instance, it incorporates words like "profound," "well-being," "rituals," and "captivating."
    • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and varied terms. For instance, instead of using "important" repeatedly, opt for synonyms such as "crucial," "vital," or "significant" to add depth and precision to your expression. Additionally, explore more nuanced vocabulary related to stress relief, cultural significance, and artistic elements.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where more specific or refined terms could be employed. For example, the phrase "dull events of the day" could be replaced with a more vivid expression to convey a richer meaning.
    • How to improve: Aim for more nuanced and vivid language. Instead of "dull events," consider phrases like "mundane activities" or "routine tasks" to provide a clearer picture. This will elevate the overall quality of expression and add sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "unwind" instead of "wind" and "profound effect" instead of "a profound effect."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to carefully proofread your work. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure consistency in usage. Utilizing spell-check tools can also be beneficial in catching inadvertent errors and refining the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence. For instance, in the introduction, a complex sentence is used: "In my opinion, I disagree with this viewpoint because I believe that many other functions are just as critical." The essay also utilizes conditional structures, such as "To be specific" and "Moreover," to introduce specific points, showcasing variety.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as relative clauses or inverted sentences. Additionally, be cautious about sentence fragments, ensuring that each sentence is complete and contributes logically to the overall argument.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement can be refined. For example, "Various other functions are just as significant as the relaxation purpose aforementioned," could benefit from a more precise agreement between "functions" and "are." Punctuation is generally correct, but some sentences might benefit from clearer punctuation to enhance readability.
    • How to improve: Focus on fine-tuning subject-verb agreement, ensuring that plural subjects match with plural verbs. For instance, in the mentioned sentence, consider rephrasing for conciseness and precision: "Various other functions are as significant as the relaxation purpose mentioned." Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, particularly the use of commas and periods, to enhance clarity and coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and punctuation, there is room for improvement in refining sentence structures for increased complexity and enhancing precision in subject-verb agreement. Consider these suggestions to elevate the essay’s overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Music holds a crucial role in our lives, serving as a source of entertainment. It is commonly asserted that the primary purpose of music is to act as a stress reliever. In my perspective, I dissent from this viewpoint as I contend that numerous other functions are equally crucial.

Some individuals argue that the paramount role of music is to facilitate relaxation, given its profound impact on both emotions and the body. Specifically, studies have revealed that music serves as a potent tool, aiding in calming the mind during stress and fostering healing while enhancing overall emotional well-being. Hence, listening to music has consistently been a popular activity that individuals engage in after a demanding day to alleviate stress associated with work and study.

Nevertheless, I contend that several other functions are equally significant, extending beyond the aforementioned purpose of relaxation. Firstly, music has consistently been integral to cultural and religious rituals, encompassing national anthems, wedding ceremonies, and funeral marches. This is how music contributes to the representation of national identity for countries. Furthermore, music, as a form of art, embellishes our daily existence. It is evident that mundane daily activities like exercising or cooking can become more enjoyable through music, and movies featuring music are also more captivating.

In conclusion, while relieving stress is undeniably an important purpose of music, cultural and artistic functions are equally significant.

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