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The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

In this modern era , the aged still hold their traditional view relating to how the Juveniles have to live . However , many people think that the young cannot based on those view to grow and develop in the modern life . In my point of view , I partly agree with this opinion as the difference between two generations are obvious while the elderly’s experiences are still valuable.Firstly , the distance existing in both generations leads to the false in old ideas . Specifically , the society now tend to change and develop according to globalization trend ; therefore , the ideas which belong to the older generations can be wrong in some situations . If the young pay their attention to the previous views , they can be impeded when they meet their foreign partners who may be really essential with the company . In addition , converting the old-fashion of thinking can help juveniles have more opportunities to get their dreamer job , thereby proving their abilities and capabilities .In the other way , the lessons stored through many generations can be useful in preparing the youth for their high technical life. People can make use of those experiences to be successful in career path . For instance , the youth can utilize grandpa’s valuable lessons to behave with their partner when they have a crucial contract , thereby putting their mind in the other’s shoe. Moreover , the tradition views existing for a long time are the intangible cultural heritage in our country , based on it , teenagers always keep their patriotism then develop the country . In conclusion , the old ideas are now not useful and accurate compared with the past . However , if juveniles choose the suitable experiences and exploit them , a lot of chances can be opened for them.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Juveniles" -> "Young individuals"
    Explanation: "Juveniles" is a term commonly associated with legal contexts and might sound too formal in this context. Replacing it with "young individuals" maintains formality while being more appropriate for discussing the general population.

  2. "cannot based on those view" -> "cannot rely solely on those views"
    Explanation: "Cannot based on those view" is grammatically incorrect. Changing it to "cannot rely solely on those views" improves the sentence structure and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.

  3. "In my point of view" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: "In my point of view" is less formal than "From my perspective." The latter is a more academically appropriate expression to introduce one’s opinion in a formal essay.

  4. "the difference between two generations are obvious" -> "the differences between the two generations are evident"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks grammatical agreement. Changing it to "the differences between the two generations are evident" ensures proper grammar and maintains formality.

  5. "false in old ideas" -> "flawed in outdated ideas"
    Explanation: "False in old ideas" is unclear and awkward. Replacing it with "flawed in outdated ideas" enhances clarity and uses more precise language.

  6. "society now tend to change" -> "society now tends to change"
    Explanation: The subject "society" requires the singular verb "tends" for grammatical accuracy.

  7. "according to globalization trend" -> "in accordance with the trend of globalization"
    Explanation: "According to globalization trend" is not idiomatic. Changing it to "in accordance with the trend of globalization" maintains formality and clarity.

  8. "the young pay their attention" -> "the young pay attention"
    Explanation: "Pay their attention" is redundant. Removing "their" improves conciseness while maintaining the intended meaning.

  9. "converting the old-fashion of thinking" -> "transitioning from outdated thinking"
    Explanation: "Converting the old-fashion of thinking" is unclear and lacks precision. "Transitioning from outdated thinking" provides a clearer expression of the idea.

  10. "dreamer job" -> "dream job"
    Explanation: "Dreamer job" is not a standard phrase. Changing it to "dream job" is more natural and commonly used.

  11. "lessons stored through many generations" -> "lessons passed down through many generations"
    Explanation: "Lessons stored through many generations" is less clear. "Lessons passed down through many generations" conveys the idea of inheritance more accurately.

  12. "be successful in career path" -> "succeed in their career paths"
    Explanation: "Be successful in career path" is awkward. Changing it to "succeed in their career paths" improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.

  13. "utilize grandpa’s valuable lessons" -> "draw upon valuable lessons from previous generations"
    Explanation: "Utilize grandpa’s valuable lessons" is too informal. "Draw upon valuable lessons from previous generations" maintains formality and provides a more sophisticated expression.

  14. "putting their mind in the other’s shoe" -> "empathizing with others"
    Explanation: "Putting their mind in the other’s shoe" is informal and awkward. "Empathizing with others" is a more formal and concise way to convey the same idea.

  15. "tradition views" -> "traditional views"
    Explanation: "Tradition views" is grammatically incorrect. Changing it to "traditional views" ensures proper grammar and maintains formality.

  16. "develop the country" -> "contribute to the development of the country"
    Explanation: "Develop the country" is too vague. Changing it to "contribute to the development of the country" provides a more precise and academically appropriate expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address all parts of the question, acknowledging both the traditional views of the older generation and the belief that these ideas might not be helpful for the younger generation in modern life. Relevant sections, such as the acknowledgment of the difference between generations and the potential impact on the youth’s opportunities, are included.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples or scenarios where the clash between traditional views and modern life can occur. This would add depth to the analysis and further demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially agrees with the prompt, indicating that while there is a difference between generations, the elderly’s experiences are still valuable. The position is maintained throughout the essay, but some sentence structures and language choices may slightly obscure the stance.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, focus on using clear and concise language to reinforce the chosen stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the clash between generations and the potential drawbacks of adhering to traditional views. Specific instances, such as difficulties with foreign partners, are discussed. However, the examples could be more detailed to fully support the points made.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on the provided examples by including specific details or hypothetical scenarios. This will strengthen the argument and provide a more thorough explanation of the ideas presented.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the contrast between traditional and modern views. However, there are instances where sentence structures are complex, making it challenging to follow the line of thought.
    • How to improve: Simplify sentence structures for better clarity. Ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument, avoiding unnecessary complexity that might distract from the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position. To enhance the response, focus on providing more specific examples, clarifying language, elaborating on ideas, and simplifying sentence structures for better coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction, presents contrasting views in the body paragraphs, and concludes with a brief summary. However, the flow is disrupted at times due to awkward phrasing and inconsistent transitions. For instance, the abrupt shift from discussing the drawbacks of old ideas to their benefits can be confusing for the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on creating smooth transitions between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one. Additionally, consider refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence. An explicit roadmap in the introduction outlining the essay’s structure might help guide the reader through the content.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument. However, some paragraphs are overly lengthy, making it challenging for the reader to discern the key points. The structure within paragraphs is generally sound, but attention is needed to improve the overall readability and coherence.
    • How to improve: Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to enhance readability and facilitate a clearer presentation of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a distinct focus and supports a specific point of the argument. This can contribute to a more organized and reader-friendly essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, to connect ideas. However, their usage is inconsistent, and at times, their effectiveness is diminished due to awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more consistent and polished use of cohesive devices. Ensure that transitions between sentences and ideas are seamless and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. Use a mix of cohesive devices strategically to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Consider revising awkward phrases to enhance the clarity and impact of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, but improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage can elevate the overall effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variation in word choice. However, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and sophistication. For instance, the repeated use of generic terms like "youth," "young," and "old ideas" could be expanded to encompass a broader vocabulary related to different aspects of generational gaps and traditional values.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, strive for a more nuanced vocabulary. Instead of frequently using general terms, incorporate specific words that capture the essence of the ideas being presented. For example, consider employing synonyms for "youth" such as "adolescents" or "youngsters" to add depth to your expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay tends to use vocabulary in a somewhat imprecise manner. There are instances where the intended meaning might be unclear due to the choice of words. For example, the phrase "the distance existing in both generations" could be more precisely articulated to convey the cultural or ideological gaps between generations.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, carefully choose words that accurately convey your intended meaning. In the example mentioned, consider specifying the type of distance, such as "cultural divergence," to provide a clearer picture. Be mindful of using words that precisely reflect the nuances of your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates an acceptable level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are instances where small mistakes, such as "dreamer job" instead of "dream job" and "false in old ideas" instead of "flaws in old ideas," affect the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying close attention to common errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to catch any inadvertent mistakes. Developing a habit of revising your work before submission will contribute to improved spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use different sentence structures, such as compound sentences and conditional structures, but the variety is limited. For example, there is a reliance on simple sentences, and some of the complex structures are not executed with precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a more diverse range of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with clarity and precision. For instance, experiment with varying sentence lengths and employ advanced structures like relative clauses and participial phrases. This will contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar, but there are instances of errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice. Punctuation, especially comma usage, is inconsistent, leading to occasional confusion. For example, there are instances where commas are used incorrectly or omitted, affecting the flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining grammar accuracy by paying attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofread the essay to identify and correct punctuation errors, particularly with commas. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence. Additionally, seek to eliminate redundancy and choose precise words to convey meaning more effectively. Utilizing a variety of punctuation marks can also contribute to a more nuanced writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of structures, improvements can be made by refining sentence variety, addressing grammatical errors, and ensuring consistent and accurate punctuation. Proofreading and careful revision will play a crucial role in elevating the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this modern era, the older generations still adhere to traditional views regarding how young individuals should live. However, some argue that relying solely on these views may not adequately prepare the youth for contemporary life. From my perspective, I partially agree with this sentiment, acknowledging the evident differences between the two generations, yet recognizing the value of the elderly’s experiences.

Firstly, the divergence between the perspectives of both generations highlights the flaws in outdated ideas. Society now tends to change and develop in accordance with the trend of globalization. Therefore, the viewpoints inherited from older generations may prove incorrect in certain situations. If the young pay attention exclusively to these outdated views, they might face hindrances when interacting with foreign partners, who play a crucial role in today’s interconnected world. Transitioning from outdated thinking can provide young individuals with more opportunities to secure their dream jobs, allowing them to showcase their abilities and capabilities effectively.

On the flip side, lessons passed down through many generations can offer valuable guidance for the youth in navigating their high-tech lives. Drawing upon these experiences can significantly contribute to their success in their career paths. For instance, young individuals can leverage their grandparents’ valuable lessons to empathize with others during critical business contracts, putting themselves in the other party’s shoes. Moreover, traditional views that have persisted for a long time serve as intangible cultural heritage in our country. Based on these views, teenagers often maintain a sense of patriotism, contributing to the development of the country.

In conclusion, while the old ideas may not be as useful and accurate as they were in the past, young individuals can benefit by choosing suitable experiences from previous generations. By doing so, they open up numerous opportunities for personal and professional growth.

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