The older people who need employment have to compete with younger ones. What problems can this create? What are some solutions?

In recent years, there has been a noticeable trend where older people who need jobs have to compete with young candidates. This essay attempts to shed light on the problems which have resulted from this tendency before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle them.

There are two major problems that elderly individuals looking for employment opportunities face competition from younger peers. Firstly, older adults have difficulty in finding jobs because of age discrimination. This is because, with the advancement of technologies in various fields, the younger generation has a chance to learn and adapt several devices and apps such as, computers, tablets, telegram for work, and whatsapp, from when they were young it could help them enhance their performance and productivity, while the older generation start to engaging with technology later than the majority of young people. As a result, the employers tend to prefer job opportunities to the younger ones rather than the older and prevent them from meeting their basic needs. Furthermore, the elderly population in need of jobs could have a negative impact on health. To be specific, by trying to catch up with young applicants could put older people under tremendous pressure, and this could cause them to suffer from serious mental health diseases, namely depression or mental breakdown.

To combat this worrying issue, the following feasible steps should be taken. One approach is that the government could stop discrimination against older workers by passing laws. For example, governing bodies should impose heavy fines on those companies that discrimination on age, and this could act as a deterrent for individuals intending to have similar actions. It could help older candidates get a chance to have a profession and to earn a living. Another measure is that older individuals could attend training courses. Studies have shown that elderly after joining professional development courses such as, learn how to use technological devices as well as cultivate job relevant skills, time management, and problem-solving would have a huge plus in the job market.

In conclusion, there are some serious repercussions attributable to the increasing number of old and the young engaged in competition in the job market, and it is crucial that the aforementioned measures be implemented between governmental bodies and individuals to deal with these issues.

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Errors and Improvements:

"There has been a noticeable trend where older people who need jobs have to compete with young candidates." -> "There has been a discernible trend wherein older individuals seeking employment contend with younger candidates."
Explanation: Replacing "noticeable" with "discernible" adds a more formal and precise touch, aligning with academic style.
"This essay attempts to shed light on the problems which have resulted from this tendency before outlining several viable solutions that should be adopted to tackle them." -> "This essay endeavors to elucidate the issues stemming from this trend and subsequently delineates several viable solutions that should be embraced to address them."
Explanation: Substituting "shed light on" with "elucidate" and "tackle" with "address" enhances the formality of the language while maintaining clarity.
"older adults have difficulty in finding jobs" -> "older adults encounter challenges in securing employment"
Explanation: Replacing "have difficulty in" with "encounter challenges in" provides a more nuanced and formal expression.
"devices and apps such as, computers, tablets, telegram for work, and whatsapp" -> "technological devices and applications, including computers, tablets, messaging platforms like Telegram, and WhatsApp"
Explanation: Restructuring the list and specifying "messaging platforms like Telegram" improves precision and aligns with academic formality.
"from when they were young it could help them enhance their performance and productivity" -> "since their youth, enabling them to enhance their performance and productivity"
Explanation: The revised phrase offers a more formal structure and removes unnecessary repetition.
"start to engaging with technology later than the majority of young people" -> "begin engaging with technology later than the majority of their younger counterparts"
Explanation: The change ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.
"and prevent them from meeting their basic needs" -> "and hinder them from fulfilling their fundamental requirements"
Explanation: Substituting "meeting" with "fulfilling" and "basic needs" with "fundamental requirements" adds precision and formality.
"To be specific, by trying to catch up with young applicants could put older people under tremendous pressure," -> "Specifically, attempting to catch up with younger applicants could subject older individuals to considerable pressure,"
Explanation: The rephrasing enhances clarity and formality.
"and this could cause them to suffer from serious mental health diseases" -> "and this could lead to the onset of severe mental health disorders"
Explanation: Replacing "suffer from" with "lead to the onset of" is more accurate and formal.
"Another measure is that older individuals could attend training courses." -> "Another viable measure involves older individuals participating in training courses."
Explanation: The modification adds formality and clarity to the sentence.
"elderly after joining professional development courses such as, learn how to use technological devices as well as cultivate job relevant skills, time management, and problem-solving" -> "elderly individuals, after enrolling in professional development courses, can acquire proficiency in using technological devices and cultivate job-relevant skills, including time management and problem-solving."
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal structure, provides clarity, and specifies the skills being cultivated.
"there are some serious repercussions attributable to the increasing number of old and the young engaged in competition in the job market" -> "there are significant repercussions stemming from the growing competition between older and younger individuals in the job market."
Explanation: The rewording enhances clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the problems faced by older individuals competing with younger ones for employment and proposing solutions. It provides a clear analysis of age discrimination and its consequences on employment for older individuals.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively covers the prompt, it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of specific problems and solutions. Adding more concrete examples and elaborating on the impact of age discrimination would enhance the depth of the analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, presenting the problems and proposing solutions in a clear and organized manner. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state the writer’s viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion. This would ensure that the reader has a clear understanding of the writer’s position from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, particularly in outlining the problems faced by older individuals and suggesting solutions. However, some ideas could be extended further with additional examples or elaboration.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the essay could provide more specific examples of age discrimination in the workforce and elaborate on the potential benefits of the proposed solutions. This would contribute to a more comprehensive and convincing argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing age-related employment issues and proposing relevant solutions. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing the impact on health, which, while related, could be more directly tied to the employment aspect.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the employment challenges faced by older individuals. While health impacts are relevant, connecting them explicitly to employment would strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the key elements. To improve, it could benefit from more detailed exploration, explicit positioning, and tighter focus on the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the essay introduces the issue of age discrimination but could provide more specific examples or evidence to support this claim. Additionally, the connection between the problems faced by older individuals and the proposed solutions could be more explicitly stated for enhanced coherence.
- How to improve: To strengthen logical organization, consider providing specific examples or statistics related to age discrimination. Ensure a smoother transition between discussing problems and presenting solutions. Explicitly connect each problem with its corresponding solution for better coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, but the structure within paragraphs could be refined. There’s a tendency to mix multiple ideas within a paragraph, which might confuse the reader. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses both age discrimination and the impact on health. Separating these topics into distinct paragraphs would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining a single main idea within each paragraph. Create separate paragraphs for discussing age discrimination and its consequences on health. This will contribute to a more organized and reader-friendly essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "firstly" and "furthermore." However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices. The use of pronouns and linking words could be more consistent to guide the reader through the essay’s flow.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these") and synonyms to avoid repetitive language. Ensure that the logical connections between sentences and paragraphs are clear, creating a seamless flow. Consider using more advanced cohesive devices to elevate the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization within paragraphs and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some words and phrases are effectively used to convey the ideas, there is room for improvement in incorporating more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. For instance, terms like "technological devices" and "professional development courses" are apt, but the essay could benefit from the inclusion of more diverse vocabulary to enhance overall lexical resource.
- How to improve: To expand the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. For example, instead of frequently using "older people," consider using synonyms such as "senior citizens" or "elderly individuals." Additionally, vary sentence structures to showcase versatility in expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, the term "age discrimination" is appropriately used to convey a specific concept. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise, such as using "telegram for work and whatsapp," which might benefit from more specific references to communication tools.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words or phrases that precisely convey the intended meaning. In the case of communication tools, specify the exact tools and their relevance to the workforce. Avoid vague terms and strive for clarity and specificity in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors evident. However, there are minor issues, such as the misspelling of "discrimination on age" (should be "age discrimination"). These instances do not significantly detract from overall understanding but suggest a need for careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, thoroughly proofread the essay before submission. Utilize spell-check tools and pay close attention to common problem areas, such as homophones ("discrimination" vs. "on"). Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to catch any overlooked errors.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates competency in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in expanding the range of vocabulary, enhancing precision in word choices, and ensuring meticulous spelling accuracy. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used effectively to convey ideas. For instance, the writer employs a mix of simple sentences, such as "There are two major problems," and complex sentences, such as "To combat this worrying issue, the following feasible steps should be taken." This variety enhances the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and complexity, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce a variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add sophistication to the writing. This can be achieved by combining ideas more elaborately within sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits good grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances where awkward phrasing and grammatical errors can be observed. For example, in the sentence "because, with the advancement of technologies in various fields," the comma after "because" is unnecessary. Additionally, there is a missing article in the phrase "prevent them from meeting their basic needs," which should be "prevent them from meeting their basic needs."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentences for unnecessary punctuation and ensure the correct usage of articles and prepositions. Proofreading the essay before submission will help catch such errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and correct potential grammatical mistakes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a satisfactory range of sentence structures. To further improve, focus on refining grammatical accuracy through careful proofreading and incorporating more complex sentence structures to elevate the overall quality of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, a noticeable trend has emerged where older individuals in need of employment find themselves in competition with younger candidates. This essay aims to illuminate the problems arising from this trend and subsequently outlines several practical solutions that should be embraced to address them.

Elderly individuals seeking job opportunities face two significant challenges in this competitive landscape. Firstly, age discrimination hinders older adults from securing employment. The younger generation, having been exposed to technological devices and applications like computers, tablets, and messaging platforms such as Telegram and WhatsApp since their youth, has a natural advantage in enhancing performance and productivity. In contrast, older individuals tend to begin engaging with technology later than their younger counterparts, putting them at a disadvantage and impeding their ability to meet basic needs. Moreover, attempting to catch up with younger applicants can subject older individuals to considerable pressure, potentially leading to severe mental health disorders, such as depression or mental breakdown.

To address these challenges, practical measures need to be implemented. One effective approach is for the government to enact laws that combat age discrimination. Imposing substantial fines on companies engaging in discriminatory practices based on age can act as a deterrent, creating a fairer job market and providing older candidates with equal opportunities for professional growth and livelihood. Another viable measure involves older individuals participating in training courses. Enrolling in professional development courses enables elderly individuals to acquire proficiency in using technological devices and cultivate job-relevant skills, including time management and problem-solving. This, in turn, enhances their competitiveness in the job market.

In conclusion, the growing competition between older and younger individuals in the job market brings about significant repercussions. It is imperative that proactive measures, such as legal interventions against age discrimination and participation in training courses, be embraced by both governmental bodies and individuals to effectively address these issues.