The only important consideration when choosing any career or job having a high income. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a popular opinion nowadays that a job should only be chosen if it provides a high number of money for employees. I believe that we should consider it on a wider range. In this passage I will give out every reason to prove my mentioned opinion.
First of all, choosing a job is as difficult as doing one. It requires us to have a stable mind to give out the decision. Once it is made, there is no going back, you will neither see it rise or face a downfall in your own career, so you need to be careful. An important thing should not be chosen only by the salary you got in work. We all work for money, but it is not the only thing should be concerned.
In additions, other factors you might need to think about are the environment of the job, the attitude of the co-workers and the love you give to it. You may satisfy with money in your hand, but you actually have to pay more than that. A high income also comes with a deadly pressure and a bunch of mess waiting for you. Choosing your career only based in the money may be the worst thing you have ever heard in your life.
In conclusion, your salary is important but there are more things than just money and there are also things money cannot deal with. That is the reason why you need to choose wisely and do not dependency in only one thing.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is a popular opinion nowadays" -> "There is a prevailing opinion currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is more precise and formal than "nowadays," which is somewhat colloquial and vague. "Prevailing" also enhances the academic tone by implying a widespread and ongoing trend.
"a job should only be chosen if it provides a high number of money for employees" -> "a job should only be selected based on its high compensation for employees"
Explanation: "Selected based on its high compensation" is more formal and precise than "chosen if it provides a high number of money," which is awkwardly phrased and informal.
"I believe that we should consider it on a wider range" -> "I contend that a broader perspective should be taken"
Explanation: "I contend" is a more formal expression than "I believe," and "a broader perspective should be taken" is more precise and academically appropriate than "consider it on a wider range."
"give out every reason" -> "present all the reasons"
Explanation: "Present all the reasons" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "give out every reason," which is informal and slightly awkward.
"choosing a job is as difficult as doing one" -> "selecting a job is as challenging as performing one"
Explanation: "Selecting a job is as challenging as performing one" uses more formal vocabulary ("selecting" and "challenging") and avoids the colloquialism "doing one."
"It requires us to have a stable mind to give out the decision" -> "It necessitates a stable mindset to make a decision"
Explanation: "Necessitates a stable mindset to make a decision" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "give out the decision."
"you will neither see it rise or face a downfall" -> "you will neither witness its rise nor face a downfall"
Explanation: "Witness its rise nor face a downfall" is more formal and grammatically correct than "see it rise or face a downfall," which is awkwardly phrased.
"An important thing should not be chosen only by the salary you got in work" -> "A crucial factor should not be solely determined by the salary received in employment"
Explanation: "A crucial factor should not be solely determined by the salary received in employment" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "important thing" and "got in work."
"In additions" -> "In addition"
Explanation: "In addition" is the correct form, not "In additions."
"the love you give to it" -> "the dedication you bring to it"
Explanation: "The dedication you bring to it" is a more formal and appropriate expression than "the love you give to it," which is overly emotional and informal for academic writing.
"You may satisfy with money in your hand" -> "You may be satisfied with the money in your hand"
Explanation: "Be satisfied" is the correct form, and the phrase is grammatically complete and formal.
"a bunch of mess waiting for you" -> "a multitude of challenges awaiting you"
Explanation: "A multitude of challenges awaiting you" is more formal and precise than "a bunch of mess waiting for you," which is colloquial and vague.
"Choosing your career only based in the money may be the worst thing you have ever heard in your life" -> "Selecting a career solely based on financial gain may be the most detrimental decision you have ever made"
Explanation: "Selecting a career solely based on financial gain may be the most detrimental decision you have ever made" is more formal and uses precise language, replacing the informal and hyperbolic "the worst thing you have ever heard in your life."
"do not dependency in only one thing" -> "not rely solely on one factor"
Explanation: "Not rely solely on one factor" is grammatically correct and more formal than "do not dependency in only one thing," which is awkward and incorrect.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by arguing against the notion that high income is the only important consideration when choosing a career. The writer presents a clear counter-argument, suggesting that other factors should also be considered. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which is only briefly mentioned. For instance, the essay states, "We all work for money, but it is not the only thing should be concerned," but does not fully explore the implications of prioritizing income.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline the opposing view and then systematically refute it. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to discussing why some might prioritize high income, followed by a strong counter-argument that emphasizes the importance of other factors.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that high income is the sole consideration in career choice. The writer consistently supports this position throughout the essay, particularly in the second paragraph where they discuss job environment and personal satisfaction. However, the phrase "I believe that we should consider it on a wider range" could be more assertively stated to reinforce the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: Strengthening the introduction with a more definitive thesis statement would help clarify the position from the outset. For example, instead of saying "I believe," the writer could state, "I strongly disagree with the notion that high income is the only important consideration when choosing a career."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of job environment and personal satisfaction, but these points are not fully developed. For instance, the discussion about "the attitude of the co-workers" is introduced but not elaborated upon, leaving the reader wanting more detail on how this factor impacts job satisfaction.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate their points. For instance, discussing a scenario where a high-paying job leads to burnout could effectively support the argument against prioritizing income.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the idea that high income should not be the sole consideration in career choice. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For example, the phrase "you will neither see it rise or face a downfall in your own career" is somewhat vague and could be more directly tied to the main argument about income versus other factors.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the central argument. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing concrete examples or clearer explanations would help keep the discussion relevant and on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. With improvements in the areas of addressing opposing views, strengthening the thesis, elaborating on ideas, and maintaining focus, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the notion that high income is the only important factor in choosing a career. The introduction establishes the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the difficulty of choosing a job to the factors influencing that choice feels abrupt. The second paragraph introduces new ideas without a clear connection to the first, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should create clearer connections between ideas. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the argument. Structuring the essay with a clear outline before writing can also ensure that each point builds on the previous one, creating a more cohesive narrative.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the topic but lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. The second paragraph introduces multiple factors influencing job choice but does so in a somewhat disorganized manner, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of that paragraph. For example, the second paragraph could start with a sentence like, "In addition to salary, several other factors should be considered when choosing a career." This would provide clarity and focus. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea, supported by examples or explanations, will enhance overall coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all" and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, the phrase "you need to be careful" could be varied to maintain reader interest. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, such as in "the love you give to it," which could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "moreover," "consequently," "for instance," and "however." Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help the writer become more comfortable with their application. Furthermore, ensuring that cohesive devices are used naturally and appropriately will enhance the overall flow of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "popular opinion," "stable mind," and "deadly pressure." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "high income" and "money," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "money," alternatives like "financial compensation," "salary," or "earnings" could be used. Additionally, incorporating more varied expressions for "important" (e.g., "crucial," "vital," "essential") would enrich the text.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "give out every reason" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "present all the reasons." Additionally, "you will neither see it rise or face a downfall" is confusing; "neither" should be paired with "nor" for correct structure. The phrase "the love you give to it" is also vague and could be more precisely articulated.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Using phrases like "present my arguments" instead of "give out every reason" would enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing grammatical structures to ensure proper conjunction use (e.g., "neither…nor") will improve overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "additions" instead of "addition," "dependency" instead of "dependence," and "you might need to think about are the environment of the job" which should be "the job environment." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools, and proofreading their work carefully before submission. Additionally, reading more widely can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "It requires us to have a stable mind to give out the decision" shows an attempt at a complex structure. However, many sentences are quite simple or repetitive, which limits the overall range. Phrases like "you will neither see it rise or face a downfall" and "choosing your career only based in the money" reflect a tendency towards straightforward constructions that could be more varied.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "you," the writer could use introductory clauses or phrases, such as "While a high salary may seem appealing, it is essential to consider other factors." Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add variety. Engaging with more advanced grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences or participial phrases, would also enrich the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "a high number of money" is awkward and incorrect; it should be "a high income." The phrase "not be chosen only by the salary you got in work" is also grammatically incorrect; it would be clearer as "not be chosen solely based on the salary you receive." Punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, detract from clarity. For instance, "your salary is important but there are more things than just money" should include a comma before "but."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing with exercises can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors is crucial. The writer could benefit from reading their work aloud to catch awkward phrasing and missing punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in identifying and correcting errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant points, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality and potentially increase the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevailing opinion nowadays that a job should only be chosen if it provides a high amount of money for employees. I believe that we should consider it from a broader perspective. In this passage, I will present all the reasons to prove my mentioned opinion.

First of all, selecting a job is as challenging as performing one. It necessitates a stable mindset to make a decision. Once it is made, there is no going back; you will neither witness its rise nor face a downfall in your own career, so you need to be careful. A crucial factor should not be solely determined by the salary you receive in employment. We all work for money, but it is not the only thing that should be a concern.

In addition, other factors you might need to think about are the environment of the job, the attitude of the co-workers, and the dedication you bring to it. You may be satisfied with the money in your hand, but you actually have to pay more than that. A high income also comes with deadly pressure and a multitude of challenges awaiting you. Choosing your career solely based on financial gain may be the most detrimental decision you have ever made.

In conclusion, your salary is important, but there are more things than just money, and there are also aspects that money cannot address. That is the reason why you need to choose wisely and not rely solely on one factor.