The picture below shows how to manufacture instant noodles

The given image below illustrates how instant noodles are mass produced in a food factory.

Overall, this process is a time- consuming production with 8 mechanical stages, beginning with flour transported to the storage silos and finalizing with labeling cups and launching them on the market.

Initially, flour- the main ingredient- is transferred to huge metal storage silos by the truck. Secondly, flour is mixed with other ingredients like water, oil with standard proportion in a mixer in which the mixture, through the rollers, is transformed into dough sheets. After, they are mechanically cut into strips when going through a mechanism with rollers.

Subsequently, dough strips are shaped into round figures and became noodle discs. Next, they are fried in oil by automatic frying machine with suitable temperature and time. Then they are dried and cupped on a conveyor belt by mechanism. At this point, vegetables and spices are added in cups before labelling and sealing step. After that, cups are packaged carefully to make consumers assured of the product's quality when they use them. Finally, resulting products are delivered to the wholesalers in order to demand for mass household's consumption

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"time- consuming production" -> "time-consuming manufacturing process"
Explanation: Replacing "production" with "manufacturing process" provides a more specific term that is commonly used in industrial contexts, enhancing the formality and precision of the description.
"beginning with flour transported to the storage silos and finalizing with labeling cups and launching them on the market" -> "initiating with the transportation of flour to storage silos and concluding with labeling and packaging, followed by market distribution"
Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the sequence of events and uses more formal language ("initiating," "concluding," "packaging, followed by market distribution") to better align with academic style.
"flour- the main ingredient-" -> "flour, the primary ingredient"
Explanation: Removing the hyphenation after "flour" corrects a typographical error and using "primary" instead of "main" enhances the formality of the description.
"huge metal storage silos" -> "large metal storage silos"
Explanation: "Huge" is somewhat informal and vague; "large" is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.
"truck" -> "trucks"
Explanation: "Trucks" should be plural as it refers to multiple vehicles.
"mixer in which the mixture, through the rollers, is transformed into dough sheets" -> "mixer where the mixture, passed through rollers, is transformed into dough sheets"
Explanation: Replacing "in which" with "where" and "through the rollers" with "passed through rollers" improves the sentence structure and clarity.
"mechanically cut into strips when going through a mechanism with rollers" -> "mechanically cut into strips as they pass through a mechanism with rollers"
Explanation: "As they pass" is more precise and natural than "when going through," enhancing the flow of the sentence.
"dough strips are shaped into round figures and became noodle discs" -> "dough strips are shaped into round figures, which then become noodle discs"
Explanation: Adding "which then become" clarifies the sequence of actions and corrects the grammatical structure.
"fried in oil by automatic frying machine with suitable temperature and time" -> "fried in oil by an automatic frying machine at a suitable temperature and time"
Explanation: Adding "at a" before "suitable temperature and time" corrects the prepositional phrase, and using "an" before "automatic frying machine" is grammatically correct.
"mechanism" -> "mechanism"
Explanation: The article "the" should not be used before "mechanism" in this context, as it is not a specific mechanism previously mentioned.
"vegetables and spices are added in cups" -> "vegetables and spices are added to the cups"
Explanation: "To the cups" is the correct prepositional phrase for adding items into containers.
"labelling and sealing step" -> "labeling and sealing process"
Explanation: "Process" is more specific and formal than "step," aligning better with academic style.
"cups are packaged carefully to make consumers assured of the product’s quality" -> "cups are carefully packaged to ensure consumer confidence in the product’s quality"
Explanation: "Ensure consumer confidence" is more precise and formal than "make consumers assured," and "packaged" should be "carefully packaged" to maintain the previous adjective.
"demand for mass household’s consumption" -> "demand from mass households for consumption"
Explanation: Correcting "household’s" to "households" fixes a possessive error, and reordering the phrase improves grammatical structure and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the process, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the dough strips are shaped into round figures and became noodle discs. This is not accurate, as the dough strips are cut into noodle discs.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the process and by ensuring that the details are accurate. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the mixture, through the rollers, is transformed into dough sheets," the essay could say "the mixture is passed through rollers to create dough sheets."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents a coherent overview of the process of manufacturing instant noodles, with a clear overall progression from one stage to the next. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical phrasing. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped to enhance clarity.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "after" and "next," consider alternatives like "following this," "subsequently," or "thereafter" to create a more natural progression.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear central topic and that related ideas are grouped together. For instance, the stages of production could be organized into separate paragraphs for clarity.
Clarify References: Use clearer referencing to avoid ambiguity. For example, instead of saying "they are dried and cupped," specify "the noodle discs are dried and cupped" to maintain clarity about what is being referred to.
Reduce Mechanical Language: Avoid overly mechanical phrasing by varying sentence structure and incorporating more complex sentences to enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "mechanically cut," "frying machine," and "packaged carefully," but there are inaccuracies and awkward phrases that detract from clarity. For example, "became noodle discs" should be "become noodle discs," and "demand for mass household’s consumption" is awkwardly phrased. There are also some errors in word formation, such as "time- consuming" which should be "time-consuming." While these errors do not severely impede communication, they do affect the overall impression of lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This can be achieved by:

Practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated vocabulary to replace basic terms.
Ensuring correct word forms and grammatical structures, particularly with verb tenses and noun forms.
Paying attention to collocations and common phrases in English to improve fluency and naturalness in expression.
Proofreading the essay to catch and correct any spelling or grammatical errors before submission.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the main ingredient- is transferred" (missing space after the hyphen) and "became noodle discs" (should be "become"). These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a broader range of complex sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy.
Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical and punctuation errors.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that all ideas are clearly expressed and that transitions between stages are smooth and logical. This will enhance coherence and cohesion in the writing.
Practice Advanced Grammar: Familiarize yourself with advanced grammatical structures and practice using them accurately in context.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given image below illustrates how instant noodles are mass-produced in a food factory.

Overall, this process is a time-consuming production with eight mechanical stages, beginning with flour being transported to the storage silos and concluding with the labeling of cups and their launch into the market.

Initially, flour—the main ingredient—is transferred to huge metal storage silos by truck. Secondly, flour is mixed with other ingredients, such as water and oil, in standard proportions in a mixer, where the mixture is transformed into dough sheets through rollers. After this, the dough sheets are mechanically cut into strips as they pass through a cutting mechanism with rollers.

Subsequently, the dough strips are shaped into round figures and become noodle discs. Next, they are fried in oil by an automatic frying machine at a suitable temperature and for the appropriate duration. Then, they are dried and cupped on a conveyor belt by a mechanized system. At this point, vegetables and spices are added to the cups before the labeling and sealing step. After that, the cups are packaged carefully to assure consumers of the product’s quality when they use them. Finally, the resulting products are delivered to wholesalers to meet the demand for mass household consumption.