The pie chart below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealands in 2003 and 2013

The pie charts depicts the informations regarding the online shopping discount event for commercial in New Zealand during the 2013-2003 year period, starting from 2003. From an overall perspective, it is readily apparent that the online sales for books and film or music witnessed slightly increase while the web discount for travels and clothes have tend to declined. In addition, film or music record the most significant data.
Concerning the online sales in 2003, the firgue for travel recorded the most significant data, composing 36%, followed by clothes, recording 24%. Moreover, the figure for film or music recorded approximately twofold that for books, documenting 21%.
Regarding the online sales in 2013, the statistic of film or music registered the most considerable date, comprising 33%, followed by travel, registering 29%. Therefore, the proportion of film or music documented slighly boost comprised to 2003, registering 22% and the most modest data belongs to clothes, composing 16%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie charts depicts" -> "The pie charts depict"
Explanation: The verb "depict" should be in the plural form "depict" to agree with the plural subject "pie charts."
"informations" -> "information"
Explanation: "Informations" is a plural form of "information" that is not commonly used in English. The singular form "information" is appropriate here.
"for commercial" -> "for commercial purposes"
Explanation: Adding "purposes" clarifies the context and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"during the 2013-2003 year period" -> "over the 2003-2013 period"
Explanation: The correct sequence of years is 2003-2013, and "over" is more appropriate than "during" when referring to a period of time.
"it is readily apparent" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal and precise term than "it is readily apparent."
"witnessed slightly increase" -> "experienced a slight increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a slight increase" is grammatically correct and more formal than "witnessed slightly increase."
"have tend to declined" -> "have tended to decline"
Explanation: "Tended to decline" is grammatically correct and more formal than "have tend to declined."
"film or music record the most significant data" -> "film or music recorded the most significant data"
Explanation: The verb tense should match the past context of the data being discussed.
"the firgue for travel" -> "the figure for travel"
Explanation: "Firgue" is a typographical error; the correct term is "figure."
"composing" -> "comprising"
Explanation: "Comprising" is the correct term for describing the composition of a set or group, whereas "composing" is typically used for music or writing.
"approximately twofold" -> "approximately twice"
Explanation: "Twice" is a more natural and clear expression than "twofold" in this context.
"documenting" -> "documented"
Explanation: "Documented" should be in the past participle form to match the past tense of the verb "recorded."
"statistic of film or music registered the most considerable date" -> "statistics for film or music registered the highest figures"
Explanation: "Statistics" should be plural, and "figures" is more appropriate than "date" in this context, which is likely a typographical error.
"slighly boost comprised" -> "slightly increased"
Explanation: "Slightly increased" is grammatically correct and clearer than "slighly boost comprised," which is awkward and incorrect.
"the most modest data belongs to clothes" -> "the smallest proportion belonged to clothes"
Explanation: "The smallest proportion" is a more precise and formal way to describe the comparative size of data, and "belonged" is the correct verb form for past tense.

These corrections and improvements enhance the clarity, accuracy, and formality of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. It simply recounts the data mechanically, with no clear comparison between the two years. The essay also presents key features/bullet points, but inadequately covers them. For example, the essay states that "the proportion of film or music documented slighly boost comprised to 2003, registering 22%" but does not provide any further details or analysis of this trend.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that "the most significant change between 2003 and 2013 was the increase in online sales of film/music, which rose from 21% to 33%." The essay could also provide more detailed analysis of the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay could explain why the proportion of film/music sales increased between 2003 and 2013.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data from the pie charts, the sequencing of ideas is not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the structure does not clearly separate different aspects of the data.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information with clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Improving the use of cohesive devices—such as linking words and phrases—will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear focus and that the overall structure flows logically will contribute to a better score. Lastly, proofreading for grammatical errors and clarity will improve the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about online shopping sales, there are noticeable errors in word choice and spelling (e.g., "informations," "firgue," "slighly boost," "composing"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message. Additionally, the use of phrases like "most significant data" and "most modest data" reflects a basic vocabulary that lacks sophistication and variety. Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the lexical resource is insufficient for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to the topic. They should also practice using synonyms to avoid repetition and improve the accuracy of word choice. Furthermore, attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy is essential; proofreading for common errors can help ensure clearer communication. Engaging with a wider range of reading materials can also help in acquiring more sophisticated language skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they are often inaccurate, leading to frequent grammatical errors. These errors occasionally hinder communication, particularly in the use of terms like "the informations" and "the most modest data belongs to clothes," which reflect a lack of control over grammar and syntax. Additionally, punctuation issues are present, such as missing commas and incorrect word forms, which contribute to a lower score.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex forms. Practicing the correct use of articles, plural forms, and verb tenses will help reduce errors. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation and clarity can improve overall communication. Engaging with more advanced grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also aid in developing a stronger command of English grammar.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts depict the information regarding online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand during the 2003-2013 period, starting from 2003. From an overall perspective, it is readily apparent that online sales for books and film or music witnessed a slight increase, while the web sales for travel and clothes tended to decline. In addition, film or music recorded the most significant data.

Concerning online sales in 2003, the figure for travel recorded the most significant data, composing 36%, followed by clothes, which recorded 24%. Moreover, the figure for film or music was approximately double that for books, documenting 21%.

Regarding online sales in 2013, the statistic for film or music registered the most considerable data, comprising 33%, followed by travel, which registered 29%. Therefore, the proportion of film or music documented a slight boost compared to 2003, registering 22%, and the most modest data belonged to clothes, composing 16%.