The pie chart shows different after-school clubs attended by pupils at oldtown school. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The chart illustrates what students embark on various activities after-school clubs at Oldtown School in 2020. The information is divided into seven different activities and shows the percentage of pupils who take part in each one.

The most popular activities that pupils choose are Sports, Choir and Art Club. The highest percentage of students, just over one fifth, join the Sport club. The second and the third one follow with the same percentage, only less than 1% is Choir and then less than 2% is Art club.

On the other hand, the smallest number of students adhere, 5%, choose Pottery. In addition, the second least common activity is Photography with only 6% of students doing that. However, 14% of pupils attend Drama club, while 9% participate in Book club.

Overall, pupils attend almost half of the Sports, Choir and Art club, while the other under a half choose Drama club, Book club, Photography and Pottery.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"embark on various activities after-school clubs" -> "participate in various after-school activities"
Explanation: "Embark on" is an informal phrase that suggests beginning a journey, which is not appropriate in this context. "Participate in" is a more precise and formal expression that accurately conveys involvement in activities.
"the percentage of pupils who take part in each one" -> "the percentage of pupils participating in each activity"
Explanation: "Take part in" is somewhat informal; "participating in" is a more formal and precise term. Additionally, "each one" is vague; specifying "each activity" enhances clarity.
"the most popular activities that pupils choose are Sports, Choir and Art Club" -> "the most popular activities among pupils are Sports, Choir, and Art Club"
Explanation: "Choose" is less formal and can imply a casual decision. "Among pupils" is a more formal phrasing that indicates a collective preference.
"just over one fifth" -> "slightly over one-fifth"
Explanation: "Just over" is informal; "slightly over" is more precise. Additionally, "one-fifth" should be hyphenated as it is a compound adjective.
"the second and the third one follow with the same percentage, only less than 1% is Choir and then less than 2% is Art club" -> "the second and third activities follow with the same percentage, with Choir comprising slightly less than 1% and Art Club comprising slightly less than 2%"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and unclear. Using "comprising" provides clarity and formality, and specifying "activities" avoids vagueness.
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Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the pie chart, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the highest percentage of students, just over one fifth, join the Sport club," but it does not provide the exact percentage. The essay also makes some comparisons, but these are not always relevant or accurate. For example, the essay states that "the second and the third one follow with the same percentage, only less than 1% is Choir and then less than 2% is Art club," but this is not accurate. The essay also uses some inappropriate language, such as "embark on various activities" and "adhere, 5%, choose Pottery."

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific information about the percentages and by making more relevant comparisons. The essay could also be improved by using more formal and academic language.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are noticeable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to categorize the clubs and provide percentages, the transitions between ideas are not always smooth, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, as seen in phrases like "the second and the third one follow with the same percentage," which lacks clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, as the ideas within paragraphs do not always connect logically.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer transitions between ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding repetition will also help. Structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that logically flow from one to the next, and a concise conclusion would improve overall clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the basic information from the pie chart, the vocabulary used is repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "adhere" instead of "participate" and "the second and the third one follow" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation, such as "Sport club" instead of "Sports club," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not meet the criteria for higher bands due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and synonyms to avoid repetition. Incorporating more precise and varied expressions would improve clarity and sophistication. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors would help in achieving a higher band score. Engaging with less common vocabulary and ensuring accurate word choice in context would also be beneficial.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they are not consistently accurate, leading to some grammatical errors that can cause difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the second and the third one follow with the same percentage" are awkwardly constructed. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation and clarity, such as in "the smallest number of students adhere, 5%, choose Pottery," which lacks proper structure.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences with correct punctuation. Additionally, ensuring that sentences are clear and logically structured will enhance overall communication. Practicing the use of varied sentence forms and reviewing grammar rules can help reduce errors and improve accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the various activities that students engage in at after-school clubs at Oldtown School in 2020. The information is divided into seven different activities and shows the percentage of pupils participating in each one.

The most popular activities among pupils are Sports, Choir, and Art Club. The highest percentage of students, just over one fifth, join the Sports Club. Following closely, both Choir and Art Club have similar participation rates, with Choir attracting slightly less than 10% of students and Art Club drawing in just under 20%.

Conversely, the least popular activity is Pottery, chosen by only 5% of students. Additionally, Photography ranks as the second least common activity, with only 6% of students participating. However, 14% of pupils attend Drama Club, while 9% take part in the Book Club.

Overall, nearly half of the students are involved in Sports, Choir, and Art Club, while the remaining participants are divided among Drama Club, Book Club, Photography, and Pottery.