The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world.

The three graphs offer insight into water utilization in San Diego, California and the remainder around the globe, categorized by purposes of usage. Overall, while the city and the state consume the predominant volumes of water for domestic and manufacturing purposes, agriculture emerges as the main water usage worldwide.
In detail, if the primary consumption of water in San Diego caters for residential purposes, accounting for more than a half of the total. In contrast, farming dominates the water used around the world, which is nearly 70% of the usage. Conversely, 17% constitutes the utilization for agriculture in San Diego, while households contribute the least to the water usage globally. Additionally, industrial purposes make up approximately one-fourth in both the city and the rest of the planet.
Regarding California, the figures for the three categories are fairly balanced, with 39% for home usage, followed by industry with one-third, and agriculture comprising 28%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The three graphs offer insight into water utilization" -> "The three graphs provide insight into water utilization"
Explanation: "Provide" is more precise and academically appropriate than "offer" in this context, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.
"the remainder around the globe" -> "the remainder globally"
Explanation: "Globally" is a more concise and formal term than "around the globe," which is slightly more colloquial.
"categorized by purposes of usage" -> "categorized by purpose of use"
Explanation: "Purpose of use" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "purposes of usage," which is redundant and slightly awkward.
"the predominant volumes of water" -> "the majority of water"
Explanation: "The majority of" is a more standard and formal expression than "the predominant volumes of," which is awkward and less commonly used in academic writing.
"if the primary consumption of water in San Diego caters for residential purposes" -> "the primary water consumption in San Diego is for residential purposes"
Explanation: "Is for" is a clearer and more direct way to express the purpose of consumption, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"accounting for more than a half of the total" -> "accounting for more than half of the total"
Explanation: "Half" is a more standard numerical term than "a half," which is less commonly used in formal writing.
"farming dominates the water used around the world" -> "farming dominates global water usage"
Explanation: "Global water usage" is a more precise and formal way to refer to the worldwide use of water, enhancing the academic tone.
"which is nearly 70%" -> "which accounts for nearly 70%"
Explanation: "Accounts for" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "is," aligning better with academic style.
"constitutes the utilization for agriculture" -> "constitutes agricultural utilization"
Explanation: "Agricultural utilization" is a more concise and formal way to describe the use of water for farming purposes.
"households contribute the least to the water usage globally" -> "household usage is the least globally"
Explanation: "Household usage is the least globally" simplifies and clarifies the statement, making it more direct and formal.
"industrial purposes make up approximately one-fourth in both the city and the rest of the planet" -> "industrial purposes comprise approximately one-fourth in both the city and globally"
Explanation: "Comprise" is a more precise verb for describing the composition of categories, and "globally" is more formal than "the rest of the planet."
"Regarding California, the figures for the three categories are fairly balanced" -> "In California, the figures for the three categories are relatively balanced"
Explanation: "Relatively" is a more precise adverb than "fairly," and "In California" is a more direct and formal way to introduce the topic.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in water usage in San Diego, California, and the rest of the world. The essay highlights the key features of the data, such as the dominance of agriculture in global water usage and the high proportion of water used for residential purposes in San Diego. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed comparisons between the three locations.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed comparisons between the three locations. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of water used for agriculture in San Diego is significantly lower than the proportion used for agriculture in California and the rest of the world. The essay could also provide more specific information about the different categories of water usage, such as the types of crops that are grown in California and the types of industries that use water in San Diego.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner and shows a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details about water usage in San Diego and globally. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where clarity is compromised. For example, phrases like "the remainder around the globe" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, while the essay attempts to use paragraphing, the organization within paragraphs could be improved for better logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Improving the clarity of references and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help. Additionally, restructuring some sentences for clarity and reducing redundancy will contribute to a more coherent overall presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common lexical items, such as "utilization," "dominates," and "emerges," which shows an effort to enhance the lexical resource. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the remainder around the globe" which could be more clearly expressed as "the rest of the world." Additionally, there are some awkward phrases like "the predominant volumes of water for domestic and manufacturing purposes," which could be simplified for clarity. Errors in spelling and word formation are present but do not impede overall communication.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and accuracy. This includes refining word choices to avoid awkward phrases and ensuring that less common vocabulary is used correctly. Additionally, practicing spelling and word formation will help reduce errors. Engaging with a variety of texts can also enhance vocabulary and improve the natural flow of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is appropriate for a Band 6. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they do not significantly hinder communication. For example, phrases like "the predominant volumes of water for domestic and manufacturing purposes" and "the figures for the three categories are fairly balanced" show an attempt at complexity. However, there are grammatical inaccuracies, such as "if the primary consumption of water in San Diego caters for residential purposes," which should be revised for clarity and correctness. Overall, the essay maintains a clear structure but lacks the variety and accuracy needed for a higher band score.

How to improve:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a broader range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately. This could involve using more subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings.
Proofreading for Errors: Carefully review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors. For instance, ensure that subject-verb agreements and prepositions are used correctly.
Clarity and Cohesion: Work on making sentences clearer and more cohesive. For example, rephrasing awkward constructions can enhance readability.
Practice with Complex Sentences: Engage in exercises that focus on creating complex sentences correctly to improve grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The three graphs offer insight into water utilization in San Diego, California, and the remainder of the world, categorized by purposes of usage. Overall, while the city and the state consume the predominant volumes of water for domestic and industrial purposes, agriculture emerges as the main water usage worldwide.

In detail, the primary consumption of water in San Diego caters to residential purposes, accounting for more than half of the total. In contrast, farming dominates the water used around the world, constituting nearly 70% of the total usage. Conversely, 17% of water utilization in San Diego is for agriculture, while households contribute the least to global water usage. Additionally, industrial purposes make up approximately one-fourth of water usage in both the city and the rest of the planet.

Regarding California, the figures for the three categories are fairly balanced, with 39% for domestic usage, followed by industry at one-third, and agriculture comprising 28%.