The pie charts below show the age groups of the users on different social media platforms in Australia in 2011.

The pie charts compared the proportion of Australians’ favourite social media apps (Facebook, Twitter, Linkedln, Google, and Pinterest) between 2011 and 2013.
Overall, it is evident that Facebook remained the most popular app used by people in Australia throughout the period. Another notable trend is the increasing usage of four other social media platforms (Twitter, Linkedln, Google, and Pinterest), whereas the proportion of Facebook users experienced a decline.
In 2011, the rate of Twitter users accounted for a fifth, followed by a small increase to 25% in the year 2013. Similarly, LinkedIn and Pinterest started at 10% and 5 %, respectively, then both saw a modest increases, reaching 15% and 8%by the end of the period. Remarkably, from 2011 to 2021, the share of Google users increased twofold, it then witnessed a gradual growth to 14% by 2013.
In contrast, the proportion of people using Facebook experienced a slight decline, dropping from 59% to over a third between 2011 and 2013. Despite this decline, Facebook still was the leading social media platform among five different apps.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"compared the proportion" -> "compared the proportions"
Explanation: The verb "compared" should be pluralized to "proportions" to match the plural subject of the pie charts, enhancing grammatical accuracy and formality.
"Australians’ favourite" -> "Australians’ favorite"
Explanation: The possessive form "Australians’" should be followed by the American English spelling "favorite" to maintain consistency in the use of American English in the context of the pie charts.
"it is evident that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: The phrase "it is evident that" can be replaced with "it is clear that" for a slightly more formal and concise academic tone.
"the most popular app" -> "the most widely used platform"
Explanation: Replacing "app" with "platform" broadens the term to encompass the broader range of social media services beyond just applications, aligning better with the context of the pie charts.
"Another notable trend is" -> "Another notable trend emerges"
Explanation: "Emerges" is more precise and academically appropriate than "is," as it suggests a development or appearance over time, fitting the context of the data presented.
"the rate of Twitter users accounted for a fifth" -> "the proportion of Twitter users was approximately one-fifth"
Explanation: "Was approximately one-fifth" provides a more precise and formal expression than "accounted for a fifth," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"a small increase to 25%" -> "a modest increase to 25%"
Explanation: "Modest" is more formal and academically appropriate than "small," enhancing the tone of the analysis.
"started at 10% and 5 %" -> "initiated at 10% and 5%"
Explanation: "Initiated" is more formal and precise than "started," fitting the academic style better.
"then both saw a modest increases" -> "then both experienced modest increases"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "saw," and "modest" should be unmodified to maintain parallel structure with "increases."
"the share of Google users increased twofold" -> "the proportion of Google users doubled"
Explanation: "Doubled" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic contexts to describe a change in proportion, replacing the less formal "increased twofold."
"it then witnessed a gradual growth to 14%" -> "it subsequently experienced a gradual increase to 14%"
Explanation: "Subsequently" is more formal than "then," and "experienced a gradual increase" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing than "witnessed a gradual growth."
"the proportion of people using Facebook experienced a slight decline" -> "the proportion of individuals using Facebook decreased slightly"
Explanation: "Decreased slightly" is more formal and precise than "experienced a slight decline," and "individuals" is more formal than "people."
"over a third" -> "more than a third"
Explanation: "More than a third" is a more precise and formal way to express a proportion greater than one-third, aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the share of Google users increased twofold from 2011 to 2021, but the data shows that it increased from 5% to 14% over the period 2011 to 2013.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the key features of the data and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information about the trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of Facebook users declined by 26% between 2011 and 2013, rather than simply saying that it dropped from 59% to over a third.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a slightly mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity. For example, the discussion of trends could be more clearly separated into distinct paragraphs for each social media platform to improve readability.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from clearer paragraphing that distinctly separates different ideas or trends. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between sentences are smooth and logical would enhance the overall flow. Providing clearer references to the data in the pie charts would also strengthen the coherence of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items such as "proportion," "notable trend," and "modest increases." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the rate of Twitter users accounted for a fifth," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and punctuation, such as "Linkedln" (should be "LinkedIn") and spacing issues (e.g., "5 %" should be "5%"). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring precise word choice. They could practice using synonyms and more sophisticated phrases to convey their ideas. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and punctuation will help eliminate minor errors. Finally, incorporating a wider variety of less common lexical items with correct collocation would elevate the essay’s overall quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "5 %" (which should be "5%") and "twofold, it then witnessed" (which should be separated into two sentences or connected with a conjunction). These errors occasionally hinder clarity but do not significantly impede communication. Overall, the essay shows a reasonable command of grammatical structures but lacks the consistency and accuracy needed for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on reducing grammatical and punctuation errors by proofreading their work. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of complex sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free would help elevate the score. Practicing sentence variety and reviewing grammar rules can also contribute to improved accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts compare the proportion of Australians’ favourite social media apps (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google, and Pinterest) in 2011 and 2013. Overall, it is evident that Facebook remained the most popular app used by people in Australia throughout the period. Another notable trend is the increasing usage of four other social media platforms (Twitter, LinkedIn, Google, and Pinterest), while the proportion of Facebook users experienced a decline.

In 2011, the rate of Twitter users accounted for one-fifth, followed by a small increase to 25% in 2013. Similarly, LinkedIn and Pinterest started at 10% and 5%, respectively, and both saw modest increases, reaching 15% and 8% by the end of the period. Remarkably, from 2011 to 2013, the share of Google users increased twofold, witnessing gradual growth to 14% by 2013.

In contrast, the proportion of people using Facebook experienced a slight decline, dropping from 59% to just over a third between 2011 and 2013. Despite this decline, Facebook remained the leading social media platform among the five different apps.