the pie charts below show the main reasons why students chose to study at a particular UK University in 1987 to 2007

The pie charts illustrate several explanations that lead students to choose to study at University in the UK from 1987 to 2007.
Overall, the priority of Quality of teaching, Suitable degree courses and close to parental increased while the quality of resource and teaching tended to decreased. Moreover, the suitable degree course was the highest, closely followed by quality of resource, close to parental, whereas the other ones were the least popular.
Regarding suitable degree courses, it always took the lead, slightly increasing from 35% in 1987 to 37% in 2007. Furthermore, the quality of resources constituted around 21% in 1987 then marginally dropped to 17% after 30 years but it remained the second highest choice of students.
When it comes to close to parental, it was 10% in the first year, and then skyrocketed to more than a half of it, 22% in 2007. Significantly lower, quality of resource and quality were 19% and 15%, with the plummeting to 6% and 8% respectively during the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie charts illustrate several explanations that lead students to choose to study at University in the UK from 1987 to 2007." -> "The pie charts depict various factors influencing students’ decisions to study at universities in the UK from 1987 to 2007."
Explanation: Replacing "illustrate several explanations that lead" with "depict various factors influencing" refines the language by using more precise and academic terminology. "Universities" should be plural to match the context.
"Overall, the priority of Quality of teaching, Suitable degree courses and close to parental increased while the quality of resource and teaching tended to decreased." -> "Overall, the priorities of quality of teaching, suitable degree courses, and proximity to parental homes increased, whereas the quality of resources and teaching facilities tended to decrease."
Explanation: "Priority" should be plural to match the list of items. "Close to parental" is vague and incorrect; "proximity to parental homes" is more specific and formal. "Increased" and "decreased" should be parallel; "increased" and "tended to decrease" are more appropriate for describing trends.
"Moreover, the suitable degree course was the highest, closely followed by quality of resource, close to parental, whereas the other ones were the least popular." -> "Moreover, the most popular reasons were suitable degree courses, followed closely by quality of resources and proximity to parental homes, while the other factors were the least preferred."
Explanation: "The suitable degree course" should be "suitable degree courses" for agreement with the plural context. "Close to parental" is replaced with "proximity to parental homes" for clarity and formality. "The other ones" is informal and vague; "the other factors" is more precise and formal.
"Regarding suitable degree courses, it always took the lead, slightly increasing from 35% in 1987 to 37% in 2007." -> "Regarding suitable degree courses, this remained the dominant factor, with a slight increase from 35% in 1987 to 37% in 2007."
Explanation: "It always took the lead" is informal and imprecise; "this remained the dominant factor" is more formal and clear. "Slightly increasing" is vague; "a slight increase" is more specific.
"Furthermore, the quality of resources constituted around 21% in 1987 then marginally dropped to 17% after 30 years but it remained the second highest choice of students." -> "Additionally, the quality of resources accounted for approximately 21% in 1987, then marginally decreased to 17% over the 30-year period, remaining the second most popular choice among students."
Explanation: "Constituted around" is less formal; "accounted for approximately" is more precise and academic. "Marginally dropped" is informal; "marginally decreased" is more formal. "After 30 years" is vague; "over the 30-year period" is clearer and more formal.
"When it comes to close to parental, it was 10% in the first year, and then skyrocketed to more than a half of it, 22% in 2007." -> "Regarding proximity to parental homes, it was 10% in 1987, and then increased significantly to 22% in 2007, exceeding the initial figure by more than half."
Explanation: "Close to parental" is incorrect and informal; "proximity to parental homes" is correct and formal. "Skyrocketed" is informal and dramatic; "increased significantly" is more measured and academic.
"Significantly lower, quality of resource and quality were 19% and 15%, with the plummeting to 6% and 8% respectively during the period." -> "Substantially lower, the percentages for quality of resources and quality were 19% and 15%, respectively, which decreased to 6% and 8%, respectively, over the period."
Explanation: "Significantly lower" is informal; "substantially lower" is more formal. "Quality of resource" should be "quality of resources" for agreement. "Plummeting" is informal and dramatic; "decreased" is more neutral and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "close to parental" skyrocketed to more than a half of it, 22% in 2007. This is not accurate, as the percentage increased from 10% to 22%, which is not more than half.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The writer should also avoid making subjective statements, such as "significantly lower" or "the plummeting." Instead, the writer should focus on presenting the data objectively.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to address the pie charts, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some inaccuracies and overuse, particularly in the phrases "quality of resource" and "close to parental." Additionally, paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay lacks clear topic sentences and logical transitions between points.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas with a logical progression. This can be achieved by using appropriate cohesive devices more effectively and avoiding redundancy. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details. Additionally, ensuring that all references are clear and consistent will help improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the pie charts, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "close to parental" instead of "proximity to parents" or "closeness to parental support"). Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "decreased" instead of "decreased" and "quality of resource" which lacks clarity. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms related to the topic. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, focusing on correct word forms and collocations will improve clarity. For example, phrases like "proximity to parental support" or "availability of quality resources" would demonstrate a better command of vocabulary. Lastly, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will help eliminate errors that impede communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "close to parental increased" and "quality of resource and teaching tended to decreased" exhibit grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of "skyrocketed to more than a half of it" is awkwardly phrased. Overall, the communication is mostly effective, but the errors are noticeable and may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentences while ensuring they are grammatically accurate. Practice constructing sentences that clearly convey your ideas without ambiguity.
Proofreading: Take time to review your essay for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. This can help catch errors before submission.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that your ideas are clearly articulated. For example, rephrase awkward constructions to improve readability and coherence.
Expand Vocabulary: Use a broader range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely, which can also help in constructing more complex sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate several explanations that led students to choose to study at a university in the UK from 1987 to 2007. Overall, the priorities of Quality of Teaching, Suitable Degree Courses, and Proximity to Parents increased, while the Quality of Resources and Teaching tended to decrease. Moreover, Suitable Degree Courses was the most popular reason, closely followed by Quality of Resources and Proximity to Parents, whereas the other reasons were the least favored.

Regarding Suitable Degree Courses, it consistently took the lead, slightly increasing from 35% in 1987 to 37% in 2007. Furthermore, the Quality of Resources constituted around 21% in 1987, then marginally dropped to 17% after 20 years, but it remained the second highest choice among students.

When it comes to Proximity to Parents, it started at 10% in the first year and then skyrocketed to more than double that figure, reaching 22% in 2007. Significantly lower, Quality of Resources and Quality of Teaching were at 19% and 15%, respectively, with a decline to 6% and 8% during the period.