The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

The pie chart below illustrates the sales of shopping online for retail in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Overall, the figure for travel and clothes experienced a moderate decrease while the percentages for film or music and books had a minimal increase in the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
As presented the pie chart shows books are the lowest percentage about 19% in 2003. The figure rose slightly by 3% in 2013. In addition, a similar pattern is seen in the film and music. In particular, this region witnessed a significant growth in the percentage from 21% in 2003 to 33% in 2013.
In the last two fields, the figure for clothes witnessed a marked reduction from 24% to 16% in 10 years. In 2003, travel was the most developed field with 36% of all charts which after that became the second field when the percentage declined to about 7% in 2013.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"the sales of shopping online" -> "online retail sales"
Explanation: "the sales of shopping online" is awkward and redundant. "Online retail sales" is a more concise and appropriate phrase for describing sales conducted over the internet.
"experienced a moderate decrease" -> "experienced a slight decline"
Explanation: "moderate decrease" is imprecise and doesn’t accurately convey the magnitude of the change. "Slight decline" is a more precise term for indicating a small decrease.
"had a minimal increase" -> "exhibited minimal growth"
Explanation: "had a minimal increase" is somewhat passive. "Exhibited minimal growth" is a more active and descriptive phrase that conveys the idea of slight increase more effectively.
"As presented the pie chart shows books are the lowest percentage about 19% in 2003." -> "As depicted in the pie chart, books accounted for the lowest percentage, approximately 19%, in 2003."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and structure. The suggested improvement provides a clearer presentation and grammatically correct structure.
"a similar pattern is seen in the film and music" -> "a comparable trend is observed in the film and music sectors"
Explanation: "a similar pattern is seen" is somewhat colloquial. "A comparable trend is observed" provides a more formal and precise description of the situation.
"witnessed a marked reduction" -> "experienced a significant decrease"
Explanation: "witnessed a marked reduction" is slightly awkward. "Experienced a significant decrease" is a more straightforward and clear way to convey the idea of a notable decline.
"the most developed field" -> "the dominant sector"
Explanation: "the most developed field" is not the most appropriate term here. "The dominant sector" better conveys the idea of the sector with the highest proportion of sales.
"with 36% of all charts which after that became the second field" -> "accounting for 36% of total sales, which then dropped to the second position"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The suggested improvement provides a clearer presentation of the information and maintains proper grammar and syntax.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the Task 1 prompt, providing a clear overview of main trends, differences, or stages, such as the moderate decrease in travel and clothes, and the minimal increase in film or music and books. It successfully presents and highlights key features of the data from the pie charts, including percentage changes between 2003 and 2013. However, while the response includes relevant details and makes a genuine effort to illustrate the data’s key features, there’s a room for more comprehensive development to fully extend the response. For example, providing more detailed comparisons or insights into the significance of these trends could have enriched the analysis.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band, the essay could further elaborate on the implications of the data, such as why certain sectors experienced growth or decline. Including more comparative analysis between the years for each category could also provide a more rounded understanding of the data. Additionally, ensuring precision in language to avoid slight inaccuracies and working on presenting the information in a more structured manner could help in fully extending the response, moving it closer to a Band 8 or 9.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information in a somewhat coherent manner with an overall progression, as it introduces each category and discusses its changes over time. There is a clear attempt to organize ideas logically, though some instances lack clarity, leading to minor inconsistencies. The use of cohesive devices is evident, albeit with occasional faults or mechanical usage. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks consistency and logical flow.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on maintaining a consistent logical flow throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical sequence of ideas. Work on using cohesive devices more effectively to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, refine paragraphing to ensure a clearer structure and logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering various aspects of online shopping sales. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "witnessed a marked reduction" and "experienced a moderate decrease," indicating some effort to vary lexical choices. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more sophisticated and precise, such as in the repetition of phrases like "significant growth" and "similar pattern." Some errors in word choice and collocation are noticeable, such as "figure for clothes" which could be better expressed as "percentage of sales for clothes." Additionally, there are occasional errors in word formation and spelling, such as "fields" instead of "categories" and "all charts" instead of "all categories." These errors do not significantly impede communication but could be improved for clarity and precision.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource, focus on expanding the range of vocabulary used and strive for more precise and sophisticated word choices. Utilize a variety of synonyms and avoid repetitive phrases to enhance fluency and flexibility in expression. Pay attention to collocation to ensure words are used appropriately together. Additionally, proofread carefully to correct errors in word formation and spelling, ensuring accuracy and clarity in communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to use varied structures, but some errors in grammar and punctuation are noticeable throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication. The essay communicates the main ideas effectively, albeit with some inaccuracies and occasional awkward phrasing.

How to improve:

Work on sentence structure variety by incorporating a wider range of complex structures.
Pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce errors.
Aim for clearer and more precise expression of ideas to enhance overall coherence and cohesion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts depict the online retail sales in New Zealand for the years 2003 and 2013.

Overall, there was a moderate decrease in the sales percentages for travel and clothes, while the figures for film or music and books witnessed a slight increase during the same period.

In 2003, books constituted the smallest portion, accounting for approximately 19% of online retail sales. This percentage experienced a minor uptick of 3% by 2013. Similarly, the category of film and music saw a notable surge, rising from 21% in 2003 to 33% in 2013.

Conversely, the sales percentage for clothes experienced a significant decline, dropping from 24% to 16% over the span of a decade. In 2003, travel dominated the market with 36% of total sales, but its share plummeted to about 7% by 2013, relegating it to the second position.

Overall, the charts provide a clear picture of the shifts in online retail sales across different sectors in New Zealand over the specified time frame.