The pie charts show the devices people in the 18 to 25 age group use to watch TV in 2 different years.

The pie charts describe the devices that people in European country in 2007 and 2017.
Overall, in 2007, conventional TV have the highest percentage of uses while tablet have the least. In 2017, this change dramatically when flat screen TV is the most uses and conventional TV is the least.
In 2007, the conventional TV have the highest percentage of uses which is 34%, next was laptop with 20%, deskop computer have 18%, under a bit is mobile phone was 15%, 8% for flat screen TV and the last one is tablet with 5%.
In 2017, it changes dramatically. Flat screen TV become the highest mobile device used by Europeans in a country with 27%, under a little bit was mobile phone only less than 1%. Tablet also rose from 5% to 19%, next is laptop and desktop computer with the same percentage was 12 % and the lowest is conventional TV with 4%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"people in European country" -> "people in European countries"
Explanation: "European country" should be pluralized to "European countries" to correctly refer to multiple countries in Europe, aligning with the plural form used in the context of the pie charts.
"conventional TV have the highest percentage of uses" -> "conventional TVs had the highest usage rate"
Explanation: "conventional TVs" should be plural to match the plural context of the data, and "had the highest usage rate" is more precise and formal than "have the highest percentage of uses."
"tablet have the least" -> "tablets had the lowest usage"
Explanation: "tablets" should be plural to match the plural context of the data, and "had the lowest usage" is more formal and precise than "have the least."
"this change dramatically" -> "this change was significant"
Explanation: "was significant" is a more academically appropriate phrase than "dramatically," which is too informal and emotional for academic writing.
"the conventional TV have the highest percentage of uses" -> "conventional TVs had the highest usage rate"
Explanation: Corrects the plural form and uses "had the highest usage rate" for consistency and formality.
"under a bit is mobile phone was 15%" -> "just below was the mobile phone with 15%"
Explanation: "just below" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the ranking, and "with 15%" is grammatically correct.
"under a little bit was mobile phone only less than 1%" -> "just below was the mobile phone with less than 1%"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "just below" is more precise and formal than "under a little bit," and "with less than 1%" corrects the grammatical structure.
"it changes dramatically" -> "there was a significant change"
Explanation: "there was a significant change" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "it changes dramatically."
"Flat screen TV become the highest mobile device used" -> "Flat-screen TVs became the most widely used"
Explanation: "became the most widely used" is more precise and formal than "become the highest mobile device used," which is awkwardly phrased.
"under a little bit was mobile phone only less than 1%" -> "just below was the mobile phone with less than 1%"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the earlier correction to maintain consistency and formality.
"next is laptop and desktop computer with the same percentage was 12 % and the lowest is conventional TV with 4%" -> "next were laptops and desktop computers, with a usage rate of 12%, and the lowest was conventional TVs with 4%"
Explanation: "were" corrects the verb tense to match the past context, and "with a usage rate of 12%" and "with 4%" are more precise and formal expressions.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is recounted mechanically. The essay presents some key features/bullet points, but it does not adequately cover them.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points in a more comprehensive way. The essay could also be improved by using more appropriate language and grammar. For example, the essay could use more precise language to describe the changes in the data, and it could avoid using informal language.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data from the pie charts, the transitions between ideas and years are abrupt, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some inaccuracies and repetition present. Additionally, paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay lacks clear separations between different ideas and years, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using clearer transitions between sentences and paragraphs. They should also ensure that each paragraph has a distinct central topic, ideally dedicating one paragraph to each year. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding repetition will help create a more polished and cohesive essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will improve the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the pie charts, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice and grammatical structures, such as "the highest percentage of uses" instead of "the highest usage percentage," and "the least" without specifying what it refers to. Additionally, there are spelling errors (e.g., "deskop" instead of "desktop") that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not sufficiently convey precise meanings and lacks the sophistication required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise terms related to data description. Incorporating synonyms and varying sentence structures would improve the fluency and flexibility of the language. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors will help ensure clarity and accuracy in communication. Engaging with a wider array of vocabulary through reading and practice will also contribute to a more sophisticated lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at more complex forms. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ("conventional TV have" instead of "conventional TV has") and incorrect word forms ("most uses" instead of "most used"), detract from overall clarity. Punctuation errors are also present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Subject-Verb Agreement: Ensure that verbs agree with their subjects in number (e.g., "conventional TV has" instead of "have").
Variety in Sentence Structure: Incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as subordinate clauses, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to avoid errors and improve clarity, particularly in separating clauses and lists.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors and improve overall accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts describe the devices that people in a European country used to watch TV in 2007 and 2017. Overall, in 2007, conventional TV had the highest percentage of usage, while tablets had the least. In 2017, this changed dramatically, with flat screen TVs becoming the most used device and conventional TVs being the least.

In 2007, conventional TV had the highest percentage of usage at 34%. Next was the laptop with 20%, followed by desktop computers at 18%. A little lower was the mobile phone at 15%, while flat screen TVs accounted for 8%. The last was the tablet, with only 5%.

In 2017, the situation changed significantly. Flat screen TVs became the most used device by Europeans in this country, with 27%, followed closely by mobile phones, which increased to just under 1%. Tablets also rose from 5% to 19%. Next were laptops and desktop computers, both at 12%, while conventional TV dropped to the lowest percentage at 4%.