The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an argument that preventive measures of illness is more crucial than medical treatment and therefore, the national budgets should prioritize spending on the former. Personally, I totally disagree with this point and I think that there should be an equal spending on both fields.
There are several reasons why the government’s spending need provide a financial assistance for precautions. First, many ailments require exorbitant costs to access treatment services. Instead of that, funds for prevention processes icluding clinical trials so as to find optimal preventive solutions happen to be cost-effective more funding for cure . As a result, this might not only mitigate the pressure on both the state’s funds and residents’ budgets, but also help people steer clear of detrimental ailments, in which people need to suffer from pain afflicting both metal and physical health . In adition, If the goverment do not put emphasis on prevention schemes to a certain extent, human might be subject to the severe damage of several fatal diseases. To illustrate, regarding the harmful repercussions of Covid 19, this contagious pandemic engendered a multitude of deaths and financial requirements due to recovery altogether . This is why human in post-Covid period was confronted with the lack of workforce and financial crisis, thus adversely hindering nation’s economic background in further development.

On the other hand, the government’s expenditure on treatment and medicine is also necessary. There are some common cases that hospitals or healthcare centres do not encounter the financial stability given the government’s unfair subsidy for other aspects. This leads to cutbacks in funding for healthcare necessities, comprising the lack of either workfore or basic medicines and antibiotics and even hospital infrastructures construction. As a consequence, this make a drastic decrease in the quality of the general treatment systems, bringing about difficulties in cure for patients. Moreover, deadly diseases,such as cancers, can only treated by the intervention of state-of-the-art equipment and revotutionary medicine research.To responde, the highly demanding finance are taken into account and none other than the government’s funding is the foremost determinant to make it into action.

In conclusion, despite compelling argument of prevention priority, i disagree with this point and believe that the state should take the equality in allocating funds for preventive approaches and treatment services.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"preventive measures of illness" -> "preventive measures against illness"
Explanation: Adding "against" clarifies the direction of the preventive measures, enhancing the precision of the phrase in an academic context.
"Personally, I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "Personally" is redundant in this context, and "totally" is informal. "Strongly" is more appropriate for academic writing, maintaining a formal tone.
"the government’s spending need provide a financial assistance for precautions" -> "the government’s spending should provide financial assistance for preventive measures"
Explanation: "Need" is incorrectly used here; "should" is the correct modal verb for expressing obligation or recommendation. Also, "precautions" is vague; "preventive measures" is more specific and appropriate.
"funds for prevention processes icluding clinical trials" -> "funds for prevention processes, including clinical trials"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error "icluding" to "including" and adds a comma for proper punctuation.
"happen to be cost-effective more funding for cure" -> "are more cost-effective and require less funding for treatment"
Explanation: "Happen to be" is awkward and unclear; "are more cost-effective and require less funding" is clearer and more direct. Also, "cure" is too broad; "treatment" is more precise in this context.
"help people steer clear of detrimental ailments" -> "help individuals avoid detrimental illnesses"
Explanation: "Steer clear of" is informal and slightly colloquial; "avoid" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. "Ailments" is less specific than "illnesses," which is more commonly used in medical contexts.
"If the goverment do not put emphasis on prevention schemes" -> "If the government does not emphasize prevention schemes"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "government" and changes "put emphasis on" to "emphasize" for a more formal tone.
"human might be subject to the severe damage of several fatal diseases" -> "humans may be susceptible to severe damage from several fatal diseases"
Explanation: "Human" should be plural "humans" to match the subject. "Subject to the severe damage of" is awkward; "susceptible to severe damage from" is more natural and precise.
"This is why human in post-Covid period was confronted with the lack of workforce and financial crisis" -> "This is why humans in the post-Covid period faced a shortage of workforce and financial crises"
Explanation: Corrects "human" to "humans" for subject-verb agreement and "was confronted with" to "faced," which is more direct and formal. Also, "lack of workforce" should be "shortage of workforce" and "financial crisis" should be "financial crises" to match the plural subject.
"make a drastic decrease in the quality of the general treatment systems" -> "result in a significant decrease in the quality of general treatment systems"
Explanation: "Make a drastic decrease" is awkward; "result in a significant decrease" is more formal and clear.
"deadly diseases,such as cancers, can only treated by" -> "deadly diseases, such as cancer, can only be treated by"
Explanation: Corrects the comma splice and adds "be" for grammatical correctness. Also, "cancers" should be singular "cancer" as it is a general term.
"the highly demanding finance are taken into account" -> "the substantial financial resources are considered"
Explanation: "Highly demanding finance" is unclear and informal; "substantial financial resources" is more precise and formal.
"none other than the government’s funding is the foremost determinant" -> "only government funding is the primary determinant"
Explanation: "None other than" is verbose and informal; "only" is more concise and appropriate for academic writing. "Foremost" is also replaced with "primary" for clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the importance of preventive measures and the necessity of treatment and medicine. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, which is that funding should be equal for both areas. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The argument for prevention is presented, but the counterargument for treatment could be more robust and balanced.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, providing more detailed examples or data to support the claims about the costs of treatment versus prevention would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against prioritizing prevention over treatment. However, there are moments where the phrasing could lead to confusion, such as the use of "totally disagree" which may come across as overly strong. The transition between discussing prevention and treatment could be smoother to reinforce the overall stance.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for a more nuanced expression of their position, perhaps by using phrases like "I believe" or "I contend" instead of "totally disagree." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly links back to the main argument will help maintain a consistent position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the importance of both prevention and treatment. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration. For instance, the mention of Covid-19 as an example is relevant, but it could be expanded with more specific details about the economic impact or the lessons learned regarding healthcare funding.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve discussing specific preventive measures that have been successful or citing statistics about healthcare costs. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next will enhance the overall clarity and persuasiveness of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate between prevention and treatment. However, there are instances where the language becomes convoluted, making it difficult to follow the main argument. For example, phrases like "this make a drastic decrease in the quality of the general treatment systems" could be clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the argument. Simplifying complex phrases and avoiding overly complicated structures will help keep the writing clear and on topic. Additionally, using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and coherence. By addressing these aspects, the writer can enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the prioritization of preventive measures over treatment. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present reasons supporting both sides of the argument. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by abrupt shifts in ideas, particularly in the transition between the first and second body paragraphs. For example, the discussion of the financial implications of preventive measures could be better linked to the subsequent paragraph about the necessity of funding for treatment.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer internal structure. For instance, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more effectively organized into separate sentences or even sub-points.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic, and conclude with a sentence that reinforces the paragraph’s main point. This structure will help maintain focus and clarity within each paragraph, making the argument more persuasive.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first," "on the other hand," and "moreover," which help to link ideas and paragraphs. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is either repetitive or awkward. For example, phrases like "this is why" and "to illustrate" could be varied to avoid redundancy and enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "first" and "moreover," consider alternatives like "initially," "additionally," or "in addition." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity; for example, ensure that the device used accurately reflects the relationship between ideas (e.g., cause and effect, contrast, addition). This will enhance the readability and coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on the organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will significantly improve coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "preventive measures," "exorbitant costs," and "state-of-the-art equipment." However, the vocabulary used is sometimes repetitive, and there are instances where synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the text. For example, the phrase "financial assistance for precautions" could be better expressed with alternatives like "funding for preventive initiatives" to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could help diversify word choice. Additionally, practicing writing with prompts that require different perspectives can encourage the use of varied vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise terms, there are notable instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "the government’s spending need provide a financial assistance for precautions" is awkwardly phrased and unclear. The phrase "steer clear of detrimental ailments" is somewhat vague and could be more specific about the types of ailments being referenced. Furthermore, "the lack of either workfore or basic medicines" contains a spelling error that detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. Instead of using vague terms, they should aim to specify the types of ailments or preventive measures being discussed. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and coherence can help ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "icluding," "adition," "goverment," "workfore," "revotutionary," and "responde." These errors not only detract from the professionalism of the writing but can also lead to misunderstandings of the intended message.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should incorporate regular spelling practice into their routine, such as using flashcards for commonly misspelled words or engaging in spelling quizzes. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools before submission can help catch and correct errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling that could enhance the overall quality of the writing. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. While there are some complex sentences, such as "Instead of that, funds for prevention processes including clinical trials so as to find optimal preventive solutions happen to be cost-effective more funding for cure," the overall sentence construction tends to be repetitive and lacks sophistication. For instance, many sentences follow a similar subject-verb-object pattern, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing that detract from clarity, such as "this might not only mitigate the pressure on both the state’s funds and residents’ budgets."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence types, including compound and complex sentences. Using introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, and varying sentence lengths can create a more engaging and dynamic writing style. For example, instead of repeatedly using "there are" or "this is," the writer could start sentences with adverbial clauses or use participial phrases to add variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity and coherence. For example, "preventive measures of illness is more crucial" should be "preventive measures of illness are more crucial" to agree in number. Additionally, phrases like "the government’s spending need provide a financial assistance" should be corrected to "the government’s spending needs to provide financial assistance." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect spacing (e.g., "deadly diseases,such as cancers"), also contribute to a lower score.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Additionally, practicing the use of articles (e.g., "a financial assistance" should be "financial assistance") and ensuring proper punctuation, especially with commas in lists and after introductory clauses, will enhance clarity. Regular grammar exercises and proofreading can help identify and correct these common errors.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies significantly impact the overall effectiveness of the writing. By diversifying sentence construction and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can improve their score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an argument that preventive measures against illness are more crucial than medical treatment, and therefore, national budgets should prioritize spending on the former. Personally, I strongly disagree with this viewpoint and believe that there should be equal funding for both fields.

There are several reasons why the government’s spending should provide financial assistance for preventive measures. First, many ailments require exorbitant costs to access treatment services. Instead of focusing solely on treatment, funds for prevention processes, including clinical trials, should be allocated, as these approaches are more cost-effective and require less funding for treatment. As a result, this might not only alleviate the pressure on both the state’s funds and residents’ budgets but also help individuals avoid detrimental illnesses that can cause suffering and negatively impact both mental and physical health. In addition, if the government does not emphasize prevention schemes, humans may be susceptible to severe damage from several fatal diseases. To illustrate, the harmful repercussions of Covid-19 resulted in a multitude of deaths and significant financial requirements for recovery. This is why humans in the post-Covid period faced a shortage of workforce and financial crises, which adversely hindered the nation’s economic development.

On the other hand, the government’s expenditure on treatment and medicine is also necessary. There are instances where hospitals or healthcare centers do not achieve financial stability due to the government’s unfair allocation of subsidies to other sectors. This leads to cutbacks in funding for healthcare necessities, including a lack of workforce, basic medicines, antibiotics, and even the construction of hospital infrastructures. Consequently, this results in a significant decrease in the quality of general treatment systems, creating difficulties in providing care for patients. Moreover, deadly diseases, such as cancer, can only be treated through the intervention of state-of-the-art equipment and revolutionary medical research. To respond to these challenges, the substantial financial resources required must be considered, and only government funding is the primary determinant for making these advancements possible.

In conclusion, despite the compelling argument for prioritizing prevention, I disagree with this perspective and believe that the state should ensure equality in allocating funds for both preventive measures and treatment services.