The problem of increased screen time has significant impacts on health and social interactions, making it crucial to understand its causes and find solutions to reduce its effects. The root causes are numerous, including easy access to technology, the popularity of streaming services, and changing social habits. Solutions should be adopted by both governments and families to address this trend.

The problem of increased screen time has significant impacts on health and social interactions, making it crucial to understand its causes and find solutions to reduce its effects. The root causes are numerous, including easy access to technology, the popularity of streaming services, and changing social habits. Solutions should be adopted by both governments and families to address this trend.

The problem of watching TV and playing video games in a prolonged period have significant impacts on individuals and potentially the society. Thus, it is crucial to understand the causes of these problems and identify the solutions to mitigate their effects. The root causes of spending more time watching TV and playing video games are numerous, including but not limited to the addictiveness and the relaxation that these activities grant. Solutions should be adopted by individuals to mitigate the effects of this trend.
To commence with, the advancement of technological such as gaming platforms and streaming services have encouraged people to spend more time on entertainment media, which has contributed to an inactive lifestyle. Additionally, advancements in gaming technology and graphics have resulted in highly immersive gaming experiences. Finally, mobile devices have enabled people to use entertainment media anywhere, anytime. For instance, people can watch videos and play games in their free time no matter if they are at work or home. As a result, people spend more time doing these activites, resulting in a more sedentary lifestyle as they can fufill their entertainment desires. Moreover, the lack of physical activity has exacerbated the problems associated with excessive screen time.
To soothen the detrimental impacts of excessive screen time, it is crucial for us to devise and implement effective measures as soon as possible. At the macro level, governments should implement policies such as public health campaigns in order to raise awareness about this issue and invest in infratructures that associates with the increase in physical activities. At the micro level, the responsibility of each family and their members should be limiting screen time and scheduling physical exercise. An good example for this is parents ensuring their children play outside and ban phones and other smart devices during dinnertime. With prompt action, the adverse health consequences of excessive entertainment media consumption can be mitigated to secure the well-being of all citizens.
In conclusion, excessive screen time is an urgent issue, stemming from the advancement of technology and sedentary lifestyles. However, solutions still exist, like public health policies and individuals’ effort in an attempt to halt their use of smart devices. It is important for the government and citizens to take action immediately to address this problem and stop the potential risk of an escalation in such matter.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "watching TV and playing video games in a prolonged period" -> "watching television and playing video games for extended periods"
   Explanation: "Prolonged period" is somewhat awkward and less precise in this context. "Extended periods" is more commonly used and fits better in academic writing.

2. "have significant impacts on individuals and potentially the society" -> "have significant impacts on individuals and potentially society"
   Explanation: Removing "the" before "society" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.

3. "The root causes of spending more time watching TV and playing video games are numerous, including but not limited to" -> "The primary causes of excessive television viewing and video game usage are numerous, including but not limited to"
   Explanation: "Excessive television viewing and video game usage" is more specific and formal than "spending more time watching TV and playing video games."

4. "the advancement of technological such as gaming platforms and streaming services" -> "advancements in technologies such as gaming platforms and streaming services"
   Explanation: "Advancements in technologies" is grammatically correct and more precise than "the advancement of technological."

5. "have resulted in highly immersive gaming experiences" -> "have led to highly immersive gaming experiences"
   Explanation: "Led to" is more precise and academically appropriate than "resulted in" in this context.

6. "mobile devices have enabled people to use entertainment media anywhere, anytime" -> "mobile devices have enabled users to access entertainment media anywhere, at any time"
   Explanation: "Access" is more specific than "use," and "at any time" is the correct idiomatic expression.

7. "people spend more time doing these activites" -> "people spend more time engaging in these activities"
   Explanation: "Engaging in" is more formal and appropriate than "doing" for academic writing.

8. "fufill their entertainment desires" -> "fulfill their entertainment desires"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "fufill" to "fulfill."

9. "To soothen the detrimental impacts" -> "To mitigate the detrimental impacts"
   Explanation: "Mitigate" is the correct verb for reducing the severity of negative effects, not "soothen."

10. "infratructures that associates with the increase in physical activities" -> "infrastructure that promotes physical activity"
    Explanation: "Infrastructure" should be singular, and "promotes" is more precise than "associates with."

11. "An good example for this is" -> "A good example of this is"
    Explanation: "A" should be used before a singular noun, and "of" is the correct preposition for introducing an example.

12. "ban phones and other smart devices during dinnertime" -> "prohibit the use of phones and other smart devices during mealtimes"
    Explanation: "Prohibit" is more formal than "ban," and "mealtimes" is a more general and formal term than "dinnertime."

13. "the adverse health consequences of excessive entertainment media consumption" -> "the adverse health consequences of excessive consumption of entertainment media"
    Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves clarity and flow, making it more suitable for formal writing.

14. "like public health policies and individuals’ effort" -> "such as public health policies and individual efforts"
    Explanation: "Such as" is more appropriate than "like" in this context, and "individual efforts" is grammatically correct.

15. "to halt their use of smart devices" -> "to limit their use of smart devices"
    Explanation: "Limit" is a more precise and appropriate verb than "halt" in this context, suggesting a reduction rather than a complete cessation.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the causes of increased screen time and potential solutions. It identifies key causes such as technological advancements and the addictive nature of entertainment media. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of social interactions, which is a significant part of the prompt. The mention of "individuals and potentially the society" is vague and does not delve into how screen time specifically affects social interactions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly discuss the impact of increased screen time on social interactions, providing examples of how relationships may suffer or change due to excessive use of technology. Including a more balanced view of both health and social implications would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that excessive screen time is problematic and requires solutions from both governments and families. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. For instance, the transition between discussing causes and solutions could be smoother, and the conclusion reiterates the need for action but lacks a strong, cohesive summary of the main points.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the main argument. Using clear topic sentences and transitional phrases can help maintain focus on the central thesis. Additionally, reiterating the main points in the conclusion with a stronger emphasis on the relationship between causes and solutions would enhance coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the causes of increased screen time, such as technological advancements and the allure of entertainment. However, some points, like the mention of "addictiveness," are not fully elaborated upon. The solutions are also presented but could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support their effectiveness.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or statistics. For instance, when discussing the impact of technology, citing studies or research on screen time effects could provide stronger support. Additionally, more detailed examples of successful public health campaigns or family strategies would enhance the persuasiveness of the proposed solutions.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on screen time and its consequences. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly unfocused, particularly in the transition between causes and solutions. The phrase "an good example for this is parents ensuring their children play outside" could be more directly linked to the previous discussion about solutions.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main topic of screen time. Using clear topic sentences and ensuring that examples directly support the preceding statements will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that all examples are relevant to the argument will strengthen the overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it can be improved by addressing all parts of the prompt more comprehensively, maintaining a consistent position, elaborating on ideas with specific examples, and ensuring a tight focus throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the problem and its causes, followed by detailed paragraphs discussing the causes and solutions. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is somewhat abrupt. The essay could benefit from clearer signposting to guide the reader through the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the causes, a phrase like "Having established the causes, it is essential to explore potential solutions" could provide a smoother transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis can help maintain focus.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph tackles a specific aspect of the topic. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. For instance, the second paragraph combines multiple causes without clear separation, making it slightly overwhelming.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on technological advancements and another on the resulting sedentary lifestyle. This would allow for more in-depth discussion and clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "moreover," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "to mitigate the effects" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "to mitigate the effects," alternatives like "to alleviate the consequences" or "to address these challenges" could be used. Additionally, employing devices that indicate contrast (e.g., "on the other hand") or sequence (e.g., "firstly," "secondly") can enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but with targeted improvements in logical flow, paragraph focus, and the variety of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "addictiveness," "sedentary lifestyle," and "public health campaigns." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "spending more time watching TV and playing video games," which could be varied to enhance the essay’s richness. The use of "entertainment media" is appropriate, but it could be complemented with synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "watching TV and playing video games," you could use "engaging with digital content" or "immersing in screen-based activities." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to health and technology could elevate the essay’s quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "the relaxation that these activities grant," which could be better expressed as "the relaxation these activities provide." The phrase "the advancement of technological" is grammatically incorrect and should be "the advancement of technology." Furthermore, "infratructures" is a misspelling of "infrastructure," affecting the clarity of the message.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Review phrases for grammatical correctness and clarity. For example, replace "the advancement of technological" with "the advancement of technology." Additionally, ensure that all vocabulary is spelled correctly by proofreading the essay or using spell-check tools.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "fufill" instead of "fulfill," "soothen" instead of "soothe," and "infratructures" instead of "infrastructures." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a break and then read it again to catch errors. Additionally, using spelling and grammar checking tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Regular practice with spelling exercises or flashcards can also reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource, showcasing a broader and more precise vocabulary while maintaining spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "To commence with, the advancement of technological such as gaming platforms and streaming services have encouraged people to spend more time on entertainment media" showcases a complex structure. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, phrases like "the root causes of spending more time watching TV and playing video games are numerous" could be restructured for variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence beginnings, such as using adverbial clauses or introductory phrases. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "the advancement of," try beginning with "Due to advancements in technology,…" or "As a result of increased access to entertainment,…" This will help create a more dynamic flow and keep the reader engaged.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "the problem of watching TV and playing video games in a prolonged period have significant impacts" should use "has" instead of "have" to agree with the singular subject "the problem." Additionally, phrases like "the addictiveness and the relaxation that these activities grant" could be more clearly expressed; "the addictiveness and relaxation these activities provide" would be more concise. There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences and incorrect article usage, e.g., "an good example" should be "a good example."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial. Furthermore, reading more academic texts can help internalize correct structures and punctuation usage. Consider using tools like grammar checkers for an initial review before finalizing your essay.

By focusing on these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria for IELTS Task 2 essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The problem of **watching television and playing video games for extended periods** has significant impacts on individuals and potentially society. Thus, it is crucial to understand the causes of these issues and identify solutions to **mitigate their effects**. The root causes of excessive television viewing and video game usage are numerous, including but not limited to the addictiveness and relaxation that these activities provide. Solutions should be adopted by both governments and families to address this trend.

To commence with, the **advancements in technologies such as gaming platforms and streaming services** have encouraged people to spend more time on entertainment media, contributing to an inactive lifestyle. Additionally, improvements in gaming technology and graphics have led to **highly immersive gaming experiences**. Finally, mobile devices have enabled users to access entertainment media anywhere, at any time. For instance, people can watch videos and play games during their free time, whether they are at work or home. As a result, **people spend more time engaging in these activities**, fulfilling their entertainment desires and leading to a more sedentary lifestyle. Moreover, the lack of physical activity has exacerbated the problems associated with excessive screen time.

To **mitigate the detrimental impacts** of excessive screen time, it is crucial for us to devise and implement effective measures as soon as possible. At the macro level, governments should implement policies such as public health campaigns to raise awareness about this issue and invest in **infrastructure that promotes physical activity**. At the micro level, the responsibility of each family and its members should be to limit screen time and schedule physical exercise. A good example of this is parents ensuring their children play outside and **prohibiting the use of phones and other smart devices during mealtimes**. With prompt action, **the adverse health consequences of excessive consumption of entertainment media** can be mitigated to secure the well-being of all citizens.

In conclusion, excessive screen time is an urgent issue, stemming from the **advancements in technology** and sedentary lifestyles. However, solutions still exist, such as public health policies and individual efforts **to limit their use of smart devices**. It is important for the government and citizens to take action immediately to address this problem and prevent the potential risk of escalation in such matters.